Poetry So Bad, It's (Almost) Good

Dear "Poets,"
We want to (sort of) thank you for another batch of some of the worst love poems we've ever seen. Paired with the absolutely atrocious weather today in Manhattan, we can quite honestly say that the combination has, thus far, provided us an equally atrocious Valentine's Day.

Thank you to every poet who submitted, you've all done an atrocious job. Actually, some of these poems were so terrible they were almost good, which is actually bad for the poet, because good poems don't win this contest. So sorry to those of you who are so bad you're good.

So congratulations to first-place winner Brett Mclaughlin, whose haiku on impotence, inebriation and indifference takes the cake as the Worst Love Poem Ever - for this year at least. Brett wins a handful of poetry titles (that are actually good) from WW Norton, including Nathaniel Bellows' most recent release, Why Speak? We promise to ship them express, because if Brett's poetic skill and vision is as profound as his romantic, there is little doubt that he'll be spending Valentine's day alone, and will need something to do.

Congratulations to our runners up. Sorry, you don't win any books, but you win our affection, which will last much longer than those new roses you just received, or, well, most types of love. Really, we promise.

Happy Valentine's Day,

The Masochistic Editors of VoidMagazine.com

-FIRST PLACE-

Brett Mclaughlin - This is a Haiku

I can't get it up
I drank way too much whiskey
Please leave my house now.

-HONORABLE MENTION-

Mary Cassells - Untitled

My life's in commotion with all my devotion.
Old cupids dart went straight to my heart
And I knew from the start that I could just part
The waves on the ocean with my hot emotion
Your lips when in motion are full of love potion

Your wonderful eyes are like blueberry pies
And the size of your thighs
Gets sighs from the guys
And makes them all mellow like strawberry jello
You made my heart glow when you whispered hello
Then I felt something rise and point to the skies
And I knew right away I was one lucky fellow

Madison Veronica - Untitled

A Black, Black Train Wreck (My heart is like)
My heart has sallow'd and been pummelled/propelled/pounded into combustion
My obsession can no more revamp my gumption
But if you turn deep inside, black ash all you c'n see
Not know when, nor how, nor whom, t'will ever returnith my glee

The effects of me loss, oh, let me count the ways
Ingrowin' my toenails in perpetual, apathetic haze
Yea, you have driven me to'ward, to such incessant despair
Yea, I'm resorting to playing Color Me Badd (over and over) in my lair

T'was a wondrous thing, This T-H-I-N-G we once had
B'fore you punched me out, bruised with'a hook
Bing, Bam Look..!
Now I'm a'just a'hanging chad

My lad, why, o'why, o'why why 've you escaped to the west
My teared eyelids droop almost as far down as my breasts
Only my wish that you could be'a'returnin, to catch me once a'gain in your lure

I's ain't mistaken, the train ain't a'whistling, ain't ever coming back, eh, no more