Feb. 13, 2007
After a week of determined undercover work, digging through dumpsters and dirty laundry, downloading file after file of porn videos, and forcing himself to stay awake for minutes at a time, one of Gather’s top News Reporters has discovered the only man in the world who has NOT slept with Anna Nicole Smith!Irony abounds in this discovery, as the person in question is named “Randy” (last name withheld by request) and he lives alone in the small town of Intercourse, PA. When interviewed, Randy, 37, reported that although he had seen Anna Nicole on many occasions before her mysterious demise, he had never actually met her.
“I seen her on many occasions”, he said, “but I ain’t never actually met her. I touched her pictures a lot and got some stuff on them, but I never once slept with her. Not when I was awake, anyways.”
“Randy” has filed a paternity suit for custody of Smith’s infant daughter. “What the hell,” he says. “Everybody else is doin it. It’s the American Way.”
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Comments: 36
ten-o-rootie
I have stage fright and cannot think of one witty thing to say.
But at least I'm here.
I shall overcome.
Mojo: I'm ducking and covering as we speak.
Kappy: I totally agree. But remember, I am not the reporter here. Just the reporter of the reporter's report, in the time-honored Gather way.
Dave: Believe it or not, there is more than one randy "Randy" in the world.
Charles: Laughing, tenning...either way, it can't be verified. Just like all the news around here, it's mostly second-hand conjecture.
Stevo: I heard about that. It's truly devastating that Gather has lost still another brilliant voice.
Jody: I believe there is a class action suit in progress for that very ailment.
Sandy: Surely you don't mean our Little Twinkling Star?
"I worked on it until pretty late last night. But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman."
At this stage of the game we still can't rule out parthenogenesis. Happens in the best of families.
I have no memory of having sex with or providing semen to ANS. I have no memory of a lot of things.
I heard that Roman is the baby's Daddy.
I was going to toss my cute hat into the Baby ring, but I could not decide whether to use the blue one, the white one, or the black-n-white polka dotted garden hat.