Procrastinating

I heard my alarm as soon as it started to make it's annoying chirping sounds this morning. Don't actually know why it was making annoying chirping sounds ...usually it makes extremely annoying beeping sounds - but oh well ... it worked. I thought a mouse or a squirrel or something had somehow snuck into the bedroom though - took a few before I figured out that it was coming from the alarm clock (and probably never would have if it hadn't been for the flashing green light that was in perfect time with the chirps).

 Anyway... so now I've been awake for almost an hour and I haven't changed my mother in law, or fed her either - she doesn't want to wake up enough to ~play~ with me this morning. Tried to at least give her a drink but she won't suck - don't know whether that's because she really is too out of it or because she's figured out that if I realize she's awake, over she goes. That would be a first though, so probably it's just that she's really sleeping. I usually do her ~stuff~ before i leave for school but hubby & I talked about it last night  - on Tuesday's my first class is an early one, so we agreed that I wouldn't worry about it; he could do it when he got up.

 So I could have left for school an hour ago already but instead I have been gathering - wandering through my people and reading new articles. Oh, and neopetting.... got my dailies, discovered that the powers that be - TNT - which stands for the neopets team for those of you who don't know - the majority most likely (but not the people that are in the Neopets group - they know what it means already of course!)

Could have had time to have breakfast & read my paper, write my morning pages - oops...spelled that mourning pages the first time - which, given the whole palliative care, waiting for the end drama that's taking place in the middle of my living room - wouldn't be so wrong. But no ...I'm still sitting here - all ready to leave but for my shoes and I am procrastinating. Haven't read the book we're talking about in class today - first time EVER that I haven't prepared - that's probably why.

Or maybe it's because it doesn't feel right to start my day without at least that little bit of interaction wih ma.... mornings, lately, have been the only time she's really been awake much - talked a little; ate & drank well for me...  she's supposed to wake up when I check her temperature and fuss with her blankets. And then I feed her, and she eats all of her oatmeal and drinks all of her juice and I keep giving her more and more food and drink until she stops swallowing it and I can talk to her and she (sort of) answers and.... nothing. she's asleep, that's all...I can hear her breathing - except when I can't... seems like she's forgetting to do that - breathe - more and more often in her sleep.

Sleep apnea, the nurse said. It happens more and more as the end grows near.

I know that life needs to go on - even when it doesn't. I need to put my shoes on and get in my car and go to school even though ....

But honestly - the going is so much harder than the staying home and taking care of her. I am a caregiver.

What am I going to do - be - when she is gone?