Prince Makes History as First Baked Goods-Transvestite-American to Play Super Bowl

MIAMI, Florida.  As hordes of hired fans whooped out the last reprise of "Purple Rain", tears ran down the cheeks of Charles Bascomb, an Atlanta transvestite who had maxed out his credit cards to buy a ticket to Super Bowl XLI.

"This is such a defining moment for people like me," Bascomb said as he stifled a sob in the pounding Florida rain that wreaked havoc with his Betty Crocker-style hairdo.   "And I'm not even a football fan."

"Let's go crazy--and dress up like Poppin' Fresh!"

Sportswriters with ambitions of moving into hard news had spent the better part of the week writing about the historic meeting of two teams led by African-American head coaches for the first time in a Super Bowl, but they were caught off guard by the half-time show, which featured R&B performer Prince sporting an Aunt Jemima-style doo-rag.

Inspiration for the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.

"This is history, man," said James Mahoney, a native of Indianapolis who was dressed in a blue-and-white sailor suit as Sailor Jack, the boy who has appeared on boxes of Cracker Jack, the popular popcorn, peanut and molasses confection, for over a century.  "Now those of us who like to dress up as logos of consumer food products can come out of the closet, or the lazy susan where you keep the snacks and chips, or wherever."

Cracker Jack:  Surprised Chicago by throwing under deep zone coverages.

Prince, who has changed his name twice in his career and projects an ambiguous sexuality, hinted that he might consider a transformation into another food products icon when his new album is released this fall.

"Plain or peanut--it don't make no difference," he shouted to fans as he moved up the runway at Dolphin Stadium.  "I'm gonna melt in your mouth, not in your hands."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman