In the early pitch-blackof the cloudy night the faceless man billows silently down the
lonely alley. The grimacing shadow of a man now strangely finds himself stopping long enough to listen to the nightly sounds of the city. An erupting hiss of steam explodes from a city works cover as the gnawing scratch of a rat clawing its way up a dumpster that was somehow forgotten
for many weeks by the overpaid trash collectors on this ignored dead end alley. These pleasingly unnoticed sounds were now causing him some unfamiliar happiness deep inside his dark and faceless body. Continuing to roll his murkinessover everything in his determined path, this impenetrable entity continues to move slowly and diligently forward.
He stops his slow forward motion for a short moment as he smells the scent of a young
uncaring man and determined young woman enjoying a passionate embrace inside an old 67
Chevy. A true evil hatred for them surrounds his every thought and his need to rid these feelings becomes uncontrollable. A hate unknown by the common man and the disgust felt by the impenetrable fog takes control as this shadow pictures the two enjoying one another's embrace and there was no way it could be ignored any longer.
He has felt this disgust several times, as he traversed the mostly abandoned city streets at night. He wanted this feeling to end. A darkness like a swamp bubbling up from the dark mist of the everglades had suddenly appeared and was now surrounding the unsuspecting couple inside the blue Chevy Impala. Still being unnoticed by Tony and Ginger while they were embraced in a desire of flesh and lust, this darkness engulfed their night.
Like a tornado appearing on a lovely calm and serene summer day, the anger was starting to boil from within and without notice began a powerful surge that now caused all four doors to be
ripped smoothly and completely from their hinges and sent them flying through the air.
And the pain, the tormentof the screams that he was feeling was deep inside and wailed from the sweaty, naked bodies of the young couple. The thoughts running through his head were as sharp and cutting as knives carving their way out from within. He just had to have this agonyto withdrawand stop haunting him, and he knew how to make it go away.
The unknown master of the dark must end the suffering from his tortured mind and soul. He
must stifle the unrelenting screams of the two young partially unclothed bodies. The
sorrow and misery of their thoughts are too much for him to ignore any longer. A black weightless hand reaches from beyond the darkened shadow touching the side of the car where just seconds before there was a door. The metal crumbles like a cracker crushes in a hand as he grasps the door frame, and as Tony and Ginger helplessly trip over one another to escape. The hand seizes both by their throats while effortlessly crushing their voice boxes and the last sound anyone will ever hear is the snap of cartilage and a gurgle, before they fall in a mound of human particles upon the back seat of the now motionless 67 Chevy.
The unknown master of the dark stops, and lets a wail of a deathly scream that is not unlike that of an ocean liner’s fog horn. A release from the shadows that creates his being has pierced the night’s silence. At the same moment in a far off pasture the cows wake as the deathly scream reaches them. The black shadow wavers like a soul without a cause, and then starts its onward covering of the now lifeless street.
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Comments: 3
If this is the way that the character sees the world, then make sure you stay in his point of view. He doesn't know Ginger and Tony's names, and he doesn't care about them as long as their passion/pheromones/sounds stop stimulating him. He might hear the crunch of their vertebrae, but we shouldn't hear it unless he does.
For example, you only need to mention the blue Chevy Impala once for me to see it. I saw a '57 with turquoise trim--is that the one you meant? Is the color, the make, the model important to the story? If not, leave it out. does the POV character note the kind of car before he rips it apart?
I think that you are trying to build some sympathy for the murderer, which can be very tricky. There has to be some reason, some motivation for his madness that we can understand and recognize, even if we want him to be hunted down and killed for his crimes.
If you are working on the effect of horror, then you probably don't want to tell it from the monster's point of view, but that of a bystander who is too close to run away and fears being caught up himself. The man does not feel the horror of what he is doing, but only the relief of killing. Readers need to feel some kind of connection to the point of view character. It's very hard to relate to a person who can rip off car doors and crush spinal columns.
I echo JennyBean's suggestion to do a lot of reading as well as writing. Poe's "Tell Tale Heart" would be good for being inside the head of a mad man, and there are lots of folks writing horror, but I really can't reccomend one, as that is not my genre.
Also, write down the one sentence that states the point of the story as if it was a TV guide summary. That helps you focus on the effect that you want to make and helps to characterize it for later publication.