Dadventure: Parenting at a Funeral

My mother-in-law is presiding over one of the most unique and touching raffles that I have ever seen.  Spread out on a table in front of her are about fifty pieces of costume jewelry (necklaces, bracelets, earrings, scarf pins, and even a coveted pocketknife).  Each item is accompanied by a numbered slip of paper.  The table is surrounded by a dozen or so eager children, ages two to ten.  All these kids have one thing in common: they are the great-grandchildren of the owner of these things.  And she has passed away.  In accordance to her wishes, these pieces are to be given to the children.

Funerals inevitably raise difficult questions for parents.  Should we go?  Should we bring the kids?  How do we balance our need to honor the deceased and to support our family with our desire to insulate our kids from grief and painful reality?  When do we take the kids to a funeral, and when should they stay home?

The issues of mortality enter the household along with a child's first goldfish.  The fact of death is relatively easy to talk about with younger kids.  For the pre-schooler, the abstract permanence of death doesn't make a bit of sense.  Or maybe it just makes complete sense.  The death of a goldfish even provides a good opportunity to talk about your belief system with your child. 

Grief is different.  Grief is harder to explain, but much easier for the child to comprehend.  Grief, more than death, is the thing I feel compelled to shield my children from.  Although grief may be a part of healing, although grief may be a natural part of life and of loving that children should know about, my instinct is to hold them back just a little longer.

There are a few considerations for any parent contemplating taking a child to a funeral.  Will there be an open casket?  Do you worry about the lingering visual image that might result?  What was the person's age and the circumstances of his or her passing?  Can you get a sense for how intense the grieving will be?

We've decided to bring our three kids along with us to the funeral of their great-grandmother.  It wasn't that hard of a decision, really.  My wife's grandmother had led such a beautifully lived life.  She had presided over an extended and happy family into her 90th year – an extended family that gathered from all over the country for the funeral.

The cousins of all ages are pawing the displayed jewelry, even the boys, like pirates over pieces of eight.  The raffle begins, and the pocketknife goes early – to my sister-in-law's four-year old daughter. (She takes after mother.  The girl waited until the raffle was nearly over and swapped the knife to my son for his whole load of loot.  She had to cart away her legacy in the front of her dress.)

I am momentarily upset by the image of these kids playing so carelessly with the departed woman's precious things – an earring falls and the clasp is crushed underfoot – but the lesson soon sinks in.  I can almost hear Rommey say, "Oh, those silly things.  That's nothing.  Look at them smiling. Look at that.

"Oh, my, yes."

Clay Nichols, Health Correspondent:
Clay’s column, Dadventure, published twice monthly to Gather Essentials: Health, is a sure-fire field guide to raising flawless, perfectly behaved, and always obedient children.  Yeah, right.
 
Clay is the co-author of Filmmaking for Teens: Pulling Off Your Shorts, an award-winning playwright, and the Chief Creative Officer at DadLabs.com, a fatherhood website.

You can find all of Clay’s Dadventure articles at http://gather.com/dadventure

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