YOU'RE GONNA CUT OFF MY...WHAT???

Mozart has a very unusual medical problem – the kind that would women giggle and wannabe studs green with envy. Mozart has an erection that has lasted for over a week; it just won’t go down. It is one of those unsolvable medical mysteries. Doctors have tried everything, but nothing works – including, perhaps, Mozart’s organ: he has been too dazed to try it out. There seems to be only one final solution. Doctors have reluctantly agreed that they will have to amputate Mozart’s penis.

The above is not some fantasy of a perverted imagination. It is a true story. Oh, perhaps I should clarify that I have not just returned from a quick return visit to heaven, to interview the great composer. My Mozart is an iguana at Aquatopia in Antwerp, Belgium.

Funnily enough, Mozart is quite at ease with his new found notoriety. As he posed for photographs on the shoulder of his keeper; and television cameras focused on his red, swollen erection, he appeared to be positively preening. Maybe he figures this make him top lizard among the female iguanas. Uh, buddy, they are going to cut it off, remember? No sweat: he has two of them. You heard me right. Male iguanas have two penises – and the spare one is in fine working order. Talk about having the best of both worlds.