This is a very personal story that I am about to share and one that is close to my heart. Everyday I hear about children who are abducted and sexually or physically abused. Some of them are found and returned to their families. Others are not so fortunate. I grieve for all of them.
Most children who are sexually abused, are molested by people they know. It could be a family member, a neighbor, priest or child care worker, ect...ect...ect...
Before I started going to school, my Mom would send me to the backyard to play. My nineteen year old neighbor Joe, several times a week, would lift me over the fence. Before I begin telling you about what happened, let me describe Joe to you. He was a tall man with long dark hair down to his butt. He wasn't bad looking and he always had alot of girlfriends.
After he lifted me over the fence, we would go in the utility room off of his patio. He always had a joint rolled, and after we smoked that he gave me shots of vodka to drink. Now remember, at this time I was only five years old.
He was constantly telling me how beautiful I was, while stroking my hair. Each time I went there it would progress a little more. By this time, he had convinced me that he was in love with me. He talked about how one day we would get married.
One day he took me to his room and took all of my clothes off. He tried to penetrate me, but it hurt so much that I started screaming. He stopped, but not before breaking my Hymen. He never tried that again. Instead he showed me how to give him oral sex, and from then on, that is what I did.
He made me promise that I would never tell anyone about it. He said if I did tell anyone, that he would kill both of my parents. I believed him. I had seen him beat his Mom up a few times.
When I started the first grade, every morning he would be waiting for me before school. It was always the same routine. We would smoke a joint, then drink Vodka, in fact he would fill a baby food bottle with Vodka, and I took it to school everday. Then we'd go to his room. I hate to admit it, but I got to be very good at it.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with abuse. Some do drugs, some drink, and some develope eating disorders. I chose all of the above. I decided when I was six years old, that I wanted to be ugly. I didn't want to be beautiful anymore. If I was ugly, maybe Joe would leave me alone. I began eating as much as I could. I gained alot of weight.
Joe's Mom died of cancer when I was in the second grade, and he moved away. I continued to smoke pot and drink all the way through High School.
To this day, I have weight problems. I just don't know how to deal with all that has happened to me. Even though I know in my heart, that none of it was my fault, I still feel guilty. Whenever I lose weight, men start to hit on me. That scares the hell out of me, and I start eating again. It's just a never ending cycle.
Before I end this I would like to say something to every parent who happens to be reading this. Talk to you're children, tell them that they can tell you anything. Tell them that no one has the right to touch them in their privates. Make sure they know they can tell you about it if it happens, no matter who it is that did it. No matter if they threaten them, tell them that you will protect them.
Another thing I want to say is for you to believe them. If you're child tells you that someone is touching them, whether it is you're husband, boyfriend, brother or priest, believe them. Children very rarely make up stories about this.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I don't like to talk about it very often, but maybe this will help me to deal with it a little better.