Bongo Mirror started his own Advice Column this evening, and I thought that was possibly the most inspired effort I've seen here in quite some time. I will acknowledge, with all due credit, the Now Write! group formed by Travis B. as another commendable new development, but it has one drawback: for that group, we must go in search of inspiration. For example, the Wedding Photo exercise requires that we seek out an actual wedding photo upon which to center our fictional account. What? Hunt for a photo? And then figure out how to post it here? Too much effort.
Bongo's Advice Column idea is easier: offer to provide advice. That means the questions and issues come to the author, all that is needed is a reply. Or two.
I am taking this one step farther: I am not even going to offer advice anyone wants to hear. I have been getting a great deal of practice in this regard, ever since my son moved back home. He is struggling with a desire to rekindle a relationship that anyone but he can see is doomed. I have discovered, as a result, my deep well of ruthless and harsh maternal wisdom. To wit:
"Forget it. If she agreed to move in with someone else, she obviously considers your relationship ended."
"No, texting you when her beau is at work is not a sign of enduring love for you. It is a sign that she still doesn't know what 'commitment' means. Stay away from her."
"Thinking about her constantly is not proof of true love, it is a sign of obsession or of having far too much idle time on your hands. Go shovel the driveway."
As one might imagine, my warm maternal words of wisdom are received with some resistance and perhaps a modicum of resentment. Nevertheless, we treasure our little talks.
So, why not earn a few comment points from this timeless wisdom? If you have a question, bring it here. I will tell you exactly what you don't want to hear; I appear to have a knack for this sort of thing.
Also, by putting Hedgehog into the title, I can submit this to the newly-formed All Things Hedgehog group, and promote a little traffic for our favorite mammal.
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Comments: 84
I'm a man in late middle age and find myself still having to field the question "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Since my immediate plans don't include growing up, I at a loss to think of a response.
Please help.
Yours,
Arrested D
Is there any financial risk involved in failure to answer the question? (For example, is this person going to put you in their will, with a 'maturity required' clause?) If not, why answer at all? Have another beer.
If you stand to lose money by failing to answer, then the problem is that they assume you will eventually grow up, right? If you have a Man Card, show that to them. I understand a card-carrying Man is exempt from growing up.
And the other response is, "the same thing I am doing now, except for listening to your dumb questions."
I am mystified as to why this article is rated less than a ten by anyone. Can you solve this mystery for me?
Sincerely,
Nancy, former Gather Goddess, current Gather skeptic
It sounds as if the meds you have already taken are powerful enough. Don't worry about it. When they wear-off, call and see if your pharmacy delivers.
People have been asking me strange questions lately, like are you a man or a woman, and how do we know if you are sick enough to deserve special consideration if you don't complain. I'm not sure how to answer the first question, if being a mother and grandmother isn't enough proof and the second one is actually making me sicker. Do you think that's the point?
Confused (but not so much as others it seems)
Sandy
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." MLK
In Bangkok, "Number One" was high praise indeed. I am certain whoever blessed me with that 1 was a friend of mine from elementary school. It certainly reminds me of elementary school behavior.
That, or someone actually *read* the article and gave it a fair rating. Who knows? Stranger things have happened on this site.
http://usconservatives.about.com/od/theconservativephilosophy/p/social.htm
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976854808
I have this friend..We'll call her Danielle to avoid any embarassment. She is so lazy she won't even post an article to my group for writing exercises. How would you deal with this kind of person?
Struggling for words,
Travis
A writing exercise group was started by a doobie-smoking hippie, but I was not invited. Should I be insulted?
-Waiting to be Insulted in Tucson
Strange questions indeed.
As to whether you are a man or a woman: unless your interrogators are very wealthy and proposing marriage, it doesn't matter what they think you are. If they are, in fact, wealthy people proposing marriage, I would let them believe you are whatever it is they seek until the ink is dry on the license and you can start gainful divorce procedures.
About the need to complain, in order to prove 'valid' illness, and thus receive special consideration: this is multifaceted.
1) is the special consideration actually special enough to strive for?
What's the payoff? More comments of the 'friendly' kind? Do you already receive the same number of comments anyway? They all bring the same value, so if it's only about getting kind words in those orange boxes, it amounts to this: consider the source. I would rather have a harsh but truthful comment than a sweet but insincere one.
2) which brings me to the second issue: illness.
Illness is a private topic. Nobody here should have to 'prove' they are ill to anyone else here -- this is not a site where folks should be seeking or receiving medical advice. This is not a site where you can be evaluated for medical benefits or insurance.
This is a site for interaction, and it might make you ill to read some of these interactions, but the only cure available here is laughter. That's medicine for the soul.
My advice is to laugh at whoever is asking these stupid questions.
Do you know where I can score some heroin?
Mindless in Massachusetts.
Dear Vicki: Don't wait until Spring.
Dear Travis: I suggest you send that sluggard a wedding photo so she doesn't have to find one for herself. Lazy bum.
Dear Jackie: Wait until Travis passes out and join his group anyway. Then write a better article than he did.
Bart: check Travis's pockets.
Despite the fact that I uploaded several photos for use she still won't save it to her machine and upload it with a new article. Should I just shut her out of my life at this point or take the high road and use what is in my pocket?
Travis
Thanks for your answer. Your responses are much better than "F**k you," the one I've been using.
How can I become a card carrying Man? Is there a medical examination? How much is the fee? I'm pretty sure I have at least one Y chromosome per cell.
Your grateful disciple,
Arrested D
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976895318
You would think that someone with such high standards would do this.
http://usconservatives.about.com/od/theconservativephilosophy/p/social.htm
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976854808
Please Hedgehog, make me understand.
Dear Nippy: I don't swear, so the response you use hadn't occurred to me. It does have the advantage of fewer syllables for faster response. On the other hand, it lacks originality. It's good to have options.
I have only heard of the existence of Man Cards, but -- being female and all -- I haven't actually looked into the acquisition of one. If my son shows up tonight, we can ask him. It was his uncle who first informed us of this useful document.
In that vein: my advice is to ignore both articles. Completely.
And, I need to leave now and write a stinkin' Wedding Photo article so Travis will stop bugging me.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-11-06-celebs-elections_x.htm
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976833408
http://www.townhall.com/columnists/LawrenceKudlow/2006/09/30/facts_over_democrat_fantasy
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976831510
Where can I find that ditch with the Such-As-It-Is career? Don't you think it's cool that you can sit around watching PBS while working!
Ready in RI
Why is La Lady Lisa so cool? Do you think she'll be my bridesmaid?
Curious about Plagiarism
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976841988
EB, I've been looking for that King of Hearts for years -- can't find it.
Plagiarism and satire are apparently things many people have trouble understanding. Maybe we need some lessons from the Hedgehog?
Why hasn't Jackie joined my new group yet? I sent her an invite and an email that contained a URL that I took time out of my schedule to copy and paste. Do you think she is jealous of my writing skills or just pissed that I haven't been stalking her in a manner that befits a womenz of her stature?
Doing a martyr swirlie,
Travis
Travis only pretended to have sent me an invite, and instead sent me a url- not a
hyperlink, but a url. I'll have to cut and paste, and hit "enter"! Should I consider his acts hostile, and lash out at him?
-Finicky About Stalker Behavior
Here are the list of articles paired up with their twins.
article about others
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976841988
1.
http://conemaugh-pa.blogspot.com/search/label/War%20on%20Terror
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976838037
2.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/012/934pzlak.asp
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976836625
3.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-11-06-celebs-elections_x.htm
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976833408
4.
http://www.townhall.com/columnists/LawrenceKudlow/2006/09/30/facts_over_democrat_fantasy
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976831510
5.
http://usconservatives.about.com/od/theconservativephilosophy/p/social.htm
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474976854808
How can I be sure that you have the competence and wisdom to respond to my problems?
Your advice seems to come from a dark burrow underground, and you seem a bit prickly.
Otherwise, the advice column is a great idea.
My mother wanted me to grow up and be a frogman. I didn't do either. Now she's wanting me to be a concert zitherist. If I do this, will it affect the liquidity of the rupee vs. drachma derivative markets?
Sincerely,
Hedging in Hoboken
I hope "Ask the Hegehog" earns enough Gather points for a new computer and DSL line.
Waving to Hedgehot.
Danielle just e-mailed me.
There has been a flood in the lower burrow, snow has covered the cache of winter provisions, the nest has grown too crowded with the hedgehog offspring returning home, and they have all grown "prickly with one another.
The Mistress of Hedgehog Wisdom invited me to take the discussion to another Article page, but I am reluctant to do that because she is the best at this.
Still waving to Hedgehot!
Dear Hedgehog, I joined an new group recently on Gather. The last 4 notifications were for stories that did not belong in that group. What should I do? It annoyed me very much to go there ready to read and critique only to find the posts off-topic. Please help me.
I want to be a-twitter, too.
Can you please tell me why someone as smart as Donna would have notifications for groups? Hasn't she learned by now, much like the Trixx bunny, that directions are for kids? How do you even begin to deal with someone so stupid headed as to believe group content could be moderated by its members?
Sprialling in a conundrum,
travis
In the absence of the hegehog master, could you please explain why Travis' pipe creates the appearance of gender confusion?
Is this what has happened to Sandy?
She puffed so long on that pipe that people accuse her of acquiring Y chromosomes?
I am not certain what has caused Sandy's affliction since it seems to be more than smoking a pipe and related to gender specific definitions and multiple personality disorders. Although for the record I believe she is entirely one woman---except that I don't have visual knowledge of that so I cannot confirm it.
Ask the Mirror (or a Hedgehog)
Look Into the Mirror
I've Got Your Advice Right Here, Pal
Should be re-read by everyone.
Dear Hedgehog: Would you consider holding a séance?
Yes, yes, let the Hedgehog hold a seance!
I come from the future hoping someone can tell me why I feel compelled to give advice to Gather management. Clearly I am delusional, yet there is no pipe, no heroin and no meds in my immediate possession.
Also, isn't possession illegal?
For that matter, isn't there is no meds ungrammatical? I am truly in deep doo-doo.
It is because no meds is plural. If it were no medication then it would be correct.
Love the grammar fairy.
Dear Grammar Fairy
How do I make a list of singular and plural objects without actually making any effort?
Signed
Caring But Lazy In Flat.