Recently, a spate of “you hurt my feelings, so I’m going to leave” articles have appeared here, instantly followed by long comment threads of ass-kissing pleas to stay. Immediately thereafter, the poor beleaguered “leaver” relents and, with virtual wrist to cyber-forehead, agrees to return. Sometimes, this is done under a brand new screen name, known only to special friends and Gather members smart enough to recognize a distinctive “writing” (read: misspelled doggerel) style. Other times, the defector comes back because “everybody” was so sad to see him/her leave that he/she felt compelled to ease their broken hearts and so produces an “I forgive you, even though my life will never be the same” article. This is a “martyr article”, hereinafter known by the portmanteau word “marticle”, or “martyrcle”, depending on your country of origin.
In my ongoing effort to keep Gatherites educated and well-informed on current trends, herewith are various sub-groups of the genre. Use them in good health.
1) THE BIOLOGICAL MARTYRCLE
Popular refrains:
“I endured 47 hours of labor for you, and this is the thanks I get!”
“I haven’t eaten in four days because I don’t want to have a mouthful if you happen to call.”
“Don’t bother. It’s not the first hip I ever broke.”
2) THE MARTYRCLE-IN-LAW
Recurring themes:
“I sacrificed my WalMart career for that kid, then (s)he brings that tramp (slut, bum, lowlife, freeloader) into my life.”
“You’re calling his/her mother ‘Mom’?!”
“I haven’t lost a son. I’ve gained a hundred pounds.”
3) THE STEP-MARTYCLE
Suggested topics:
“Why can’t those kids show a little gratitude, after all I did to break up their parents’ marriage?”
“I’ve bought them everything in the store, and they still don’t respect me.”
“I know they love her best, but I forgive them”
Any or all of the foregoing will serve as the basis of martycles guaranteed to bring high pity ratings, many commiserating comments and lot of gatherpoints to the writer. Poor grammar, punctuation and spelling earn extra sympathy and possible canonization.
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Comments: 47
I was raised by a bona fide, 100% pure Biological Martycle. Thank God for drugs and therapy.
Kenneth, you are not dull or normal.
Kathleen, that and 2,000 connections who will write to Gather to complain about anyone you don't like will not only guarantee readers, comments, and points, it will also move you to the front page.
Auntie, I'll thank you not to thank G. in my presence. It offends my Atheist sensibilities and may force me to write a Religious Martyrcle in response.
Sandy..So that's how it works! Guess I should start accepting all those requests to join my network. Eeeew.
How about the poetic marticle:
"How anyone could not see the emotional pain I suffered whilst straining the waste water from my Rainbow vacuum in search of the baby teeth that went missing simply HAS NO HEART! In an effort to help such fiends grow a little empathy in their garden of dross, I will plant the seeds of my vision here. With plenty of fertilizer."
"How anyone could not see
the emotional pain
I suffered
whilst straining
the waste water from my Rainbow vacuum
in search of the baby teeth that went missing
simply HAS NO HEART!
In an effort to help such fiends
grow a little empathy
in their garden
of dross,
I will plant the seeds of my vision
here.
With
plenty
of
fertilizer."
Of course, I never wrote it. It was too good for that. But I could just *hear* people critiquing it the minute the topic came up. I'm sensitive that way.
Really, don't mind me. No one will notice if I'm gone. The light bulb burned out three days ago, and I'm just sitting here, typing in the dark.
"It's Been 14 months Since My C-Section And I'm All Out Of Vicodin (But I'm Sure Dame Ruth Needs It More Than I Do)"
"I was raised by a bona fide, 100% pure Biological Martycle. Thank the Divine FSM for drugs and therapy."
The new identity seems like a good idea. How about Kappy Nitz?
Would you please post this to Gather Martyrs?
I violated myself for you so you would not be a violator too.
And: always delete your loco-in-the-cabeza comments so that the other comments addressing your comments help you come across as extra Victimlicious/Martyriffic.
Testicle: An article written by a test pilot named Dick.
Practicle: An article written by an empirical person
Specticle: An article written by an exhibitionist wearing glasses.
Particle: An article about Quantum mechanics written by a golf expert.
Martyrdome: The superbowl of martyrs. First team to die, wins.