Bow down ye wretched of gather and worship Me!
I am a wrathful god. I tire of graven images and even not-so-graven images. It behoovest thee to bend thy knee, yea verily even both knees and even thy ankles, before me.
Harken unto me, ye wretched of the Internet! Here's what thou gettest if thou choosest me over other gods.
If thou choosest Moi, I will in turn choose thee. Thou canst therefore call thyselves Chosen of Charles. (Nice alliterative ring, eh?)
But wait, there's more, How about this: everyone else who is not chosen goes to hell!
I know, they all say that, but do they really follow through in the end? The other gods pay lip service to compassion and what compassionate god could really send the souls of innocent children or even innocent nubile young women to an eternity of torture just because they hadn't had a chance to worship correctly.
I'll keep my promise. If you're not chosen, it's into the fiery furnace. Forget about it.
What else would you like. How about this? Simplicity! Did you know that Jews actually have hundreds of commandments beyond the big ten? And Christians, Jesus! Where does it say in the big ten you can't masturbate or use profanity, to name just two extra prohibitions?
With Me there's just the one. Worship me and the rest will take care of itself.
Of course I will smite thine enemies. If thou worshipest me I'll give a nasty case of boils to anyone who flags your articles. And drive-by ones get, I don't know, snakes in their beds? Something baroque. You know they deserve it for messing with THE CHOSEN of CHARLES!
Now we just have to come up with a name for our religion. Charlsianity? I like the thought, but the execution leaves something to be desired. I mean, it's kind of based on Christianity, but there are lots of other models. Catholics, for example are supposed to be catholic (how many of you know what that is?). Jews? Where does that come from? Muslims? You got me. Hindu? Equally obscure. Bahai? Give me a break.
We could just pick some letters, like Exxon did, but I'd like the name to remind people of me or of my one point program. How about One-ists?
Think about it, get back to me. I listen to prayers between 11:00 and 6:00 EST. Answers, optional.
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Comments: 177
However, one question. If I worship you, do I still get to worship my husband?
Fig leaves? Stuff? Sure, I don't plan to prohibit anything, so sure. In fact, let me look favorably upon figleaves and stuff. In fact, I bless running around in fig leaves and stuff.
Joanne, thou shalt not have false gods before ME. But after me, sure, why not.
John, just happens I'm looking for a high priest. Will you be okay not being THE high priest so much as A high priest. I like the idea of many high priests and priestesses and I don't really care how they get high. (I'm that kind of god.) But you can be the only high priest allowed to call himself Champ Chosen of Charles. I really look favorably upon that title. You've done well, my son.
Lydia - We smile upon drive-by tens and bless the perpetrators.
Loving but wrathful, that's me.
Sandy - Dost this mean thou dost indeed choose Moi? This pleases ME immensely. Indeed yea, verily I say unto thee, thou hast chosen wisely. But in the future watch out for door number three!
Hey, I like that "thou only thinkest thou thought three," That's even better than The Chosen of Charles for alliteration. I think I'll make alliteration a hallmark of my reign.
And if thou thinkest of ME whenst thou leave drive by tens, thou shalt find favor in the eyes of thy Charles!
But, no, it is not true that if someone worships me and I worship you, therefore they worship you. That's a syllogism, true, but not a true syllogism.
Lennox - thou art good and humble and I bless thee for thy perspicuity. (Worship ME and improve thy vocabulary.)
Or COC, for short.
Charles -- if I just say "Oh my God!" is that good enough? What about OMG?
Secondly: "catholic" = "universal"
(Today's episode of "ask the catechist" brought to you by accident!)
Unfortunately, that wasn't the question. The question about "catholic" was: how many of you know what that is?
Since this article was aimed at all of gather, the "you" here refers to registered gather users. And the answer, coincidentally, is 42!
But wait! It looks like somebody oned this article! Woe unto him, a sinner (or her a sinner)! I shall smite her or him! Boils shall they have! Snakes in their beds! Death of the first born is too good for them - that'll bring too much sympathy! They shall have flees and bedbugs both. They shall be stuffed when they are about to eat and hungry all the rest of the time. The road shall fall away from them giving them sore feet like crazy! And that's only the beginning!
(re: "the "you" here refers to registered gather users. And the answer, coincidentally, is 42!")
Since I told all 42 Gatherers what "catholic" means, it is merely proof of his veracity, just in case one among us is a Doubting Thomas.
Charles knew the Answer would be Revealed to All.
What I'm waiting (impatiently) for is his Book.
I'm inspiring like crazy right now, who's going to pick up a pen? Let me encourage you by pointing out a few things. A Holy Book does not have to be accurate, believable, or even consistent. In fact, it probably helps to avoid all those attributes if you want it to be taken seriously.
Now write!
Great Charles, I have done as bidden, gone forth, and written. Truly you are an inspiration to us all.
(But the *real* good news is that I got Lisa's Word Challenge to publish properly tonight! yee ha!)
You can use it all you like though.
Dannielle - blessings on thee for going forth and spreading the word, or at least a word, or, actually a bunch of words. Good words too.
You are pissing off my fiance, you might want to retract your article before it is too late. ;-)
Melissa, I didn't know. When was the wedding? Mazel tov!
Melissa, is Satan a girl? If so, are you coming to Massachusetts for the wedding? (I'm so proud of my state!)
Hey Travis....I have an idea. And no one will get hurt.
We can throw some BACON in the fire!!! Bacon is food of the Gods. Though it smites the arteries.
But if Charles is the god.....perhaps he can smite the smitity that little issue!?!
And what exactly is the fun in that?
*forces pool boys to their knees*
Do you prefer toasted, burnt, or hot chocolated.
hmmm....you are from MASS....you might like fluffnuttered
I walked away after that last comment and realized I had experienced a Charlesite revelation. (Does that mean I get to write a book?) "A couple more merged."
Trinities! What we thought were individual members were truly trinities? Could it be?
(If this makes no sense to you it's because I'm typing in tongues.)
Wow Sandy....I am thinking that you must be my spiritual leader.
Travis, this would be a good time for you to plan my martyrdom. See if you can come up with something less gross (and less painful) than crucifixion. How about old age?
La, I'm new to this whole marshmallow thing, but hot chocolated sounds good. However, I never look a sacrificed horse in the mouth.
Temples! Vesta Virgins! Marshmallows! The perks of this job keep increasing.
He may never survive that....he could be martyred in perky way.
Male/female
sick/well
virgin/prostitute
I will find myself on Gather.
OH my Charles........you are MY spiritual leader, Sandy.
Thank you for confirming one. You will be my best friend forever. Sister does mean female. Whew. I thought mother and grandmother confirmed that long ago, but apparently not for those who worry about "bi-sexual" names like Sandy. Sister has to be the key.
Do you know anything about my health? I mean, more than the fifty or so doctors who came up with these diagnoses?
Unholy Sandy,
full of spit,
blessed art thou among womenz,
blessed art your typing tongue
blessed is the juicyfruit gum in your pocket
be with us now in the moment of our virginous prostitution.
The lake of Charles cures all that ails you....instantly smiting the ones that make you ill.
So these doctors...are they cute?
Now I lay me down to bed
I pray that God and/or Charles don't smite my head
If I die before I wake
I pray the Lord throw me in a firey lake.
All men.
And Timothy.....don't forget the born agains.
Timothy, I was virgin once.
Is there no ban on the good food, like pizza?
What kind of self respecting deity doesn't lay some daily misery on worshipers?
I ask this humbly,of course, in thy name.
And by stuff, I am quite sure my interpretation of that meaning all men must wear kilts is the TRUE and ONLY RIGHT interpretation.
Umm, yeah, the 11:00-6:00 thing doesnt work for me. Do you have a royal prayer answering service, or mayhaps voice from above mail, where I can just leave a message? I really want to worship, but I dont wish to be inconvienianced either.
Diane, my good and faithful servant - I am an easy god. Wrathful and easy that's ME. I