NBA Takes Steps to Halt Birthday-Related Violence

NEW YORK.  An altercation between Los Angeles Lakers' center Kwame Brown and a man outside a night club last week has NBA officials' worried that birthday-related violence may set back efforts to make the league more customer-friendly by reducing the frequency of player-on-fan attacks.

Turiaf:  "He said it's his birthday--well it's my birthday too, yeah."

"Ever since the Pistons-Pacers fight, we've been on our guard," said commissioner David Stern.  "It's a National Guard, however, so it only meets once a month."

Stern:  "A chocolate cake?  Sounds like fun!"

The incident occurred at a Hermosa Beach nightclub following the Lakers win over the Orlando Magic on January 12th, when members of the team were celebrating small forward Ronny Turiaf's birthday.  Alexander Martinez, a 5' 9" man who was celebrating his 30th birthday with his wife and friends, emerged from the club at around 2 a.m. holding a $190 chocolate cake.  Brown grabbed the cake and threw it, hitting Martinez in the back.

Jackson:  "Kwame, hit the guard with an outlet pass, not a chocolate cake!"

"That is not something I want Kwame doing," Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said at a press conference the next morning.  "Just give the cake to a guard and let him bring it up the floor."

"This is gonna kill your turnover-to-assist ratio."

Brown said that he meant to hit Turiaf, who had been watching the Martinez party throughout the evening with a mixture of sadness and envy.  "Ronny grew up in France, where they give you these little bitty birthday cakes that look like a croissant or a brioche.  He kept repeating the line from the Beatles' song--'They say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too, yeah.'  I told him he's a Laker now, and Lakers have big honking birthday cakes."

Artest:  Just wants in on the fun.

NBA officials say they will add extra security for Sacramento Kings' home games for the foreseeable future as small forward Ron Artest has recently grumbled about goodie bags given to children who attend birthday parties at the "Kings Kids Klub" before games.  "Those kids get Airheads, Silly Suckers and Pistol Pete Maravich Pez dispensers.  I've been good--I haven't gone into the stands for a long time.  How come I don't get one?"

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman