One Day

So … one day that changed the course of my life. That is an interesting question. The more I think about it, the more interesting it is. Is there ever really one day that stands alone in changing the course of a life? Mostly, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think there really is. Like, take my life for example – well, don’t, actually! I’m kind of attached to it – but you know what I mean.

            There are all sorts of days that I could tell you about. Big things happen; big decisions get made; can I say shit happens? Ok. Anyway, back to what I was saying…when you first asked the question, I thought of the day I decided to quit being a social worker type and go back to school. It felt like a big decision that came out of the fact that I was having one of those days. Someone I didn’t know had died and I was supposed to go into a meeting and support a whole bunch of people I didn’t know in dealing with it. And I’d had a meeting earlier that day with one of my clients and she was whining and moaning about the fact that her doctor wanted to increase the dosage of antidepressants she was on. I was being paid to support her and here I was already on twice the dosage of the same medication! I remember thinking how twisted it was that I needed more antidepressants that my clients just to be able to keep getting out of bed in the morning to go support them. Something just wasn’t right about that. And then I got the phone call about the suicide right after that, and I agreed to go be supportive. I drove up to the community centre that the support group meeting was going to be held at and I was way early. So I sat on a planter – I remember that – sitting on the edge of a concrete planter. It was a big square thing, and it had been planted with petunias – pink and purple plants in rows. Ten plants per row, alternating colours, six inches between each plant. Honestly! It looked like someone had gone out there with a ruler and planted the poor things. So rigid. Anyway! Sorry; I went off track again; I do that.  Anyway…I sat out there on the edge of the way too rigid and hard planter and I didn’t have a book to read because I wasn’t planning to go anywhere after my other session, so instead I started writing. Bad idea; its really hard to ignore your own thoughts when you write them down. Well, for me it is anyway. That is why the more I need to journal, the less likely I am to actually do it.

            Anyway….I didn’t mean to start journal writing; I was just writing to pass the time but my pen got away from me and before I knew it I was writing about how much I did not want the clock to get to 6:30 because I so did not want to go into that building. I didn’t want to deal with other people’s pain any more. No one gave a damn about my pain – well, that’s not true – my kids did, but only when it got in the way of something they wanted. I just had nothing left to give. Burned out, angry, depressed….done! Really really really DONE! So that was the day I decided to go back to school and do something that didn’t involve dealing with people. I didn’t know how I could possibly make it work, but I decided anyway, and I did it – well sort of; I took computers, but I do work with people.  Still, they’re not the sort of people that call you up in the middle of the night and tell you they’re going to slice their arms to ribbons or kill themselves or…whatever. I never have to deal with that sort of pain now.

            So, okay – maybe that was the day. But really, it wasn’t, was it? Because of course I didn’t really burn out that day, or even that year…. It was something that had been building ever since Mike Harris won the election and within a few days, announced that he was getting rid of my job, which I happened to love. Oh, and by the way, from now on, if you’re mentally ill, bugger off and come back when you’re seriously mentally ill.  Then, we will put you on a waiting list, and if you are still breathing by the time your name comes up, we will beat our heads against the wall trying to help you recover everything you lost while you were becoming seriously mentally ill. I hated not being able to help people until it was too damn late. Stupidest common sense I ever heard of! So maybe the day that changed the course of my life wasn’t the day I decided to go back to school, but rather, it was the day that Harris won the election to become the leader of the common (non)sense revolution.

Or maybe it was the day that I had my car accident. That was the day, although I didn’t know it at the time, that my career as a Child and Youth worker ended. I loved my job, loved my kids, loved what I did – and not only that, I was damned good at it! But the car accident left me a total mess and there was just no way I could go back to working with acting out kids. My doctors actually didn’t think I’d be doing much of anything after the accident actually – to hell with that! Not working for four years nearly drove me into the loony bin as a patient, not staff.  So I switched from the children’s mental health system to the adults’. Similar skill set; but not the same. Working with kids fed me; it was my passion, my fire. Adults just burned me out.

            Anyway – oops, sorry; I know I say that way too much! When I write stuff I do a search for it to make sure I’ve got all the anyways out. Sorry! Anyway – my point was that whenever I look at one particular day that might count as a day someone’s life completely changed, its never really a stand alone day, at least I don’t think so. Works the same for every scenario I’ve thought of, even big things like 9/11. Which was The Day? The day the planes hit the towers? The day the terrorists agreed to fly into them? The day so and so scheduled a meeting there? The day Bin Laden was born? Which day is The Day? Shit happens, and people respond to it based on who they are, what they believe, and what shit happened to them already – and then you go on from there. Ummmm ….I didn’t really answer your question though, did I? Sorry – shall I start again?