Begin day by jumping on bed several times, just to make sure everyone is awake enough to feed you. Keep your eyes on them if they should get up. If they don't follow you, it might have been a sneaky quick visit to the bathroom, which means you will have to jump on the bed a few more times. Humans, they are so dense.
Visit with your humans as they try to have some private time in the bathroom. You know they are always thrilled to have you pacing back and forth in front of them, swiping at the errant towel tags mischievously peeking out just above your eye level. Whack them as many times as necessary with your tail so they know you are there.
Check that food bowl in case there are any morsels you have not inhaled. Look at your owners with pitiful eyes, letting them know they have been starving you. Again.
Now that you have the humans stirring around, it is nap time! Don't pet me. Don't bother me, I must have my restorative sleep. ::::purr::::
::::Wait! What's this? The house is completely quiet except for that tapity-tapity noise coming from the family room. She thought she would escape me, but I am on to her trying to hide from me. It is time to get back on guard duty. Must keep my eye on her every moment.::::
Remember, if she leaves the room and doesn't come back for more than five minutes, go find her.
No matter what they are doing, it is more important to give you attention than anything in the universe.
Stare at your humans whenever you want them to go to bed. This should begin early in the evening, and must be sustained until the dolts get the right idea. Do this for a good 20 minutes at a time. If they don't take the hint, lay down and take a snooze for a few minutes. Repeat as often as needed.
It is imperative that you help with such chores as bed making, floor dusting, turning down the covers on the bed, folding warm towels, etc. A piece of clothing is not complete without at least one cat hair on it.
When you know that your humans have completed a hearty meal, make sure to demand some lap time, and slowly creep up on their chest and stare into their eyes. This makes them so happy. Be prepared for quick launches off these high perches though. Launch yourself off their protruding tummy!
When you think your human should be toddling off to bed, begin quietly walking around the room, snaking in between their legs to make sure they notice, and give a few quiet snorts just to let them know how disgusted you are that they are not doing your bidding.
It is so hard to be patient. Will they never go to bed? Begin meowing plaintively with just a dash of accusation for emphasis. If they won't even turn their head and look at you, feel free to stand on your back legs and reach up and pat an arm a few times.
When you have finally herded your humans off to bed, prowl around the whole house making sure you haven't missed any stray crumbs, dust balls, or anything else that you might be able to ingest so that you can wake them in the middle of the night with loud obnoxious hacking noises.
Leave presents for them in plain sight. Your sight, not theirs. The middle of a dark hallway is preferable, but any open shoe will do too. Never barf up anything on a smooth surface. Always do it on the carpet. If you get really lucky, what you hack up will be the same color as the carpet and they won't see it for weeks!
Rest assured that you are the most wonderful cat on earth, and that you can do no wrong. Do this every day for your human and they will reward you with lots of tasty cat food, a few swipes with the cat brush, and their undying affection.
From The Cat's Guide to Human Ownership-(c) 2007 I. M. A. Catt, author 
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Comments: 25
I consider myself endlessly fortunate that my girls don't care whether I ever get up in the morning, probably because I make sure they have food right before I go to bed. They do, however, have some sort of infrared sensor that tells them about any and all achy or sore spots on my body, so they can stand on them. It's amazing.
What I'm waiting for is the big breakthrough in cat science: the solution to the Where Does the Water Go problem. Generations of cats have watched the water drain out of sinks and tubs and haven't solved it.
You can tell a true cat scientist by the ability to open doors that aren't latched by pushing or pulling depending on which is appropriate. They may be able to open drawers and cupboards too.
http://www.catsinsinks.com/
Enjoy :)
Lynn, that is just too funny. Of course there is a site for pictures of cats in sinks.
Of course David's cats are highly evolved and talented! Now if only they could be trained in real estate sales.......
My small weasel has rather unusually large thumbs for a cat, and she uses her little paws just like hands. It's kind of uncanny. I've watched her dismantle the sink, and it's the damnedest thing I've ever seen.
I'm a little worried about the sink dismantler. Sounds like there may be some things that haven't come to light yet.