Some time ago, a woman with a gun in her hand demanded of me and my companions that we provide good reasons why life is worth living. Otherwise she was going to terminate us.
I thought to myself: "This is the very question that I've struggled with for so long and now I am being forced to provide a definitive answer. Do I make up some fancy reason and thus escape with my life? But if I lie, then my life is not really worth pursuing.
"How many times have I dreamed and read about this kind of a life-and-death situation and convinced myself that I thoroughly understood it, assumed that I knew exactly what it felt like. And now finally it has happened for real and this time I cannot wake up nor close the book.
"I realise that we all have to go some day, but what a pity it would be to go on a brilliantly sunny day like this, when the whole world is pulsating with life and every cell of my body is screaming out with the desire to live. How much more fitting it would be to leave on a cloudy, sunless day with the sky shedding cold tears.
"No, this doesn't feel like the right time to die! But when is the right time to die? How can one tell that one has accomplished all that one can accomplish on this Earth?
"To make the most of my existence, I really should try to cram it all in, all of my life, into these last few remaining minutes, the way that I used to try to squeeze in all of the information just before the start of the exams. Now is the time to live my life to the fullest degree, like I never bothered to before.
"Yet this fear of death that I am feeling right now is out of all proportion to the joy and satisfaction that life has brought me so far. Why does my life seem so dear and precious to me now? Is it because only now, on the threshold of death, does the vision of ideal life appear to me, life free of all the illusions that have previously brought me down, illusions that only the proximity of 'The End' can destroy?
"Is it because that only now can I see life as it really is, free of all the grime that besmirches its true visage, free of all the trivial annoyances that make life so hard to bear in day-to-day existence?
It is as if during the day of my existence, life concealed her features with dowdy garb and only now, as the midnight approaches, does she shed her frumpy dress and stands before me in all of her natural, radiant, shining glory."
In the distance, I saw my friends getting finished off -- obviously their answers weren't good enough. Almost certainly they all used the "My life is unique" defence and it didn't work.
"Should I make my reasons stand out from theirs? But I am a person just like them. Wouldn't making my reasons more striking imply that my life is more valuable? Surely we all live for pretty much the same reasons and so my answer should be identical to theirs.
"But what does the tormentor want from us? Honest, straightforward replies or singular, elaborate explanations? How can one justify one's existence? Where does one begin?
"I have no need nor reason to justify my past for it is already gone and she can't take it away from me. Nor can I justify my future for it hasn't yet occurred and is therefore of completely intangible and unknown nature. It follows then that I am only in a position to justify the now, the immediate moment during which I am alive."
I thought to myself: "This is the very question that I've struggled with for so long and now I am being forced to provide a definitive answer. Do I make up some fancy reason and thus escape with my life? But if I lie, then my life is not really worth pursuing.
"How many times have I dreamed and read about this kind of a life-and-death situation and convinced myself that I thoroughly understood it, assumed that I knew exactly what it felt like. And now finally it has happened for real and this time I cannot wake up nor close the book.
"I realise that we all have to go some day, but what a pity it would be to go on a brilliantly sunny day like this, when the whole world is pulsating with life and every cell of my body is screaming out with the desire to live. How much more fitting it would be to leave on a cloudy, sunless day with the sky shedding cold tears.
"No, this doesn't feel like the right time to die! But when is the right time to die? How can one tell that one has accomplished all that one can accomplish on this Earth?
"To make the most of my existence, I really should try to cram it all in, all of my life, into these last few remaining minutes, the way that I used to try to squeeze in all of the information just before the start of the exams. Now is the time to live my life to the fullest degree, like I never bothered to before.
"Yet this fear of death that I am feeling right now is out of all proportion to the joy and satisfaction that life has brought me so far. Why does my life seem so dear and precious to me now? Is it because only now, on the threshold of death, does the vision of ideal life appear to me, life free of all the illusions that have previously brought me down, illusions that only the proximity of 'The End' can destroy?
"Is it because that only now can I see life as it really is, free of all the grime that besmirches its true visage, free of all the trivial annoyances that make life so hard to bear in day-to-day existence?
It is as if during the day of my existence, life concealed her features with dowdy garb and only now, as the midnight approaches, does she shed her frumpy dress and stands before me in all of her natural, radiant, shining glory."
In the distance, I saw my friends getting finished off -- obviously their answers weren't good enough. Almost certainly they all used the "My life is unique" defence and it didn't work.
"Should I make my reasons stand out from theirs? But I am a person just like them. Wouldn't making my reasons more striking imply that my life is more valuable? Surely we all live for pretty much the same reasons and so my answer should be identical to theirs.
"But what does the tormentor want from us? Honest, straightforward replies or singular, elaborate explanations? How can one justify one's existence? Where does one begin?
"I have no need nor reason to justify my past for it is already gone and she can't take it away from me. Nor can I justify my future for it hasn't yet occurred and is therefore of completely intangible and unknown nature. It follows then that I am only in a position to justify the now, the immediate moment during which I am alive."
"Should I appeal to her humanity, her compassion? But what is morality, what is conscience but some intangible, nebulous substance that we can only hope has found a safe refuge in the breast of fellow man."
It was now my turn. I came in and faced the interrogator. In a voice devoid of any tone she commanded me to present my case.
"Life is hard, really hard sometimes", I replied to her, "and a lot of times I don't want to go on struggling against the unyielding, overpowering forces. Yet I want to continue living. That is all I can say. I want to live."
The interrogator gazed at me with an empty look, a look lacking any human expression, deciding on her answer.
Just as she was about to make her pronouncement, I woke up to life.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 29
I have been given many, many second chances at life, Boris.
I dont really know why all of the sudden I have finally found life's true value, the value of each moment, each moment of course as you say here being what life is.
"I have no need nor reason to justify my past for it is already gone and she can t take it away from me. Nor can I justify my future for it hasn't yet occurred and is therefore of completely intangible and unknown nature. It follows then that I am only in a position to justify the now, the immediate moment during which I am alive."
This is what life is.
Life isnt yesterday or tomorrow.
Life is the gift in each moment.
Deciding that is the truth, changed the way I live my life, how I see life, and the value I put on life.
It changed the way I live my life.
GREAT ARTICLE.
Well said Boris.
"I realise that we all have to go some day, but what a pity it would be to go on a brilliantly sunny day like this, when the whole world is pulsating with life and every cell of my body is screaming out with the desire to live. How much more fitting it would be to leave on a cloudy, sunless day with the sky shedding cold tears.
truly amazing writing . . .
and:
"Is it because that only now can I see life as it really is, free of all the grime that besmirches its true visage, free of all the trivial annoyances that make life so hard to bear in day-to-day existence?
It is as if during the day of my existence, life concealed her features with dowdy garb and only now, as the midnight approaches, does she shed her frumpy dress and stands before me in all of her natural, radiant, shining glory."
YES and no kidding . . .
This is a thought provoking write and one of strength. So happy to see you here.
Very nice write!
"Some time ago, a woman with a gun in her hand demanded of me and my companions that we provide good reasons why life is worth living. Otherwise she was going to terminate us."
I wouild read easier as, "Some time ago, a woman with a gun in her hand demanded that me and my companions provide good reasons why life is worth living, otherwise she was going to terminate us."
Try not to begin sentences with a conjunction (and, but, etc.). Technically, it is correct, but it is difficult for the reader.
"Life is hard, really hard sometimes". I would use the word "difficult". The word "hard" has several meanings. "Difficult" does not.
"and a lot of times". I recommend "many times". Also, try not to continue the phrase after the speech tag. This can easily be two complete sentences.
This is actually excellant and I gave you a 10. Think more like your heritage and use words that are unambiguous. Relax and write what comes to you, as it comes to you.
You've spoken english for many years now. Write like you would speak, please.
It's funny how we are in a similar but reverse situations in regards to languages isn't it?
for me i have very different takes in response to several of your statements and thoughts, so the idea that all human beings think in the same way isn't quite how I would say it, yet I also come down to some of the same conclusions as you have. for one - i do want to go out on that beautiful day. sure when i am miserable i "feel" like life just may not be worth it or like i wish i could die - but when i think in that moment about dying, that is not the time i want to die. i would prefer to go out on a day like today - bright, warm, a fresh breeze and feeling good like spring is opening me up to re-emergence. i recognized this once when i was watching an old movie - the cowboy gets shot and knows he is going to die - with a little movement he has a beautiful view of a stunning valley in late afternoon light before him and he knows the reason he is dying is because he did something good for someone else. yup that's how i want to go, feeling good about what is going on in the world around me. - altho may be my version would be a little different, that's the idea and i trace that idea back to recognizing it in that moment of ah-ha. everything was in place and that moment brought an awakening in me. you got an ah-ha moment out of a cowboy movie? yup. as you point out it is not where or how your ah-ha moment arrives, but that it does arrive.
another thing i suspect is that in the moment of dying all the dross of life slips away. all the unimportant things that we may have been concerning ourselves with in life fall away. what remains are the important things. i hope these are beautiful things. i believe they will be. so in effect another line from another movie: "Today is a good day to die." Or " this today is a good moment of now to die." in effect every day is that day. in effect every moment is that day.
Will I be able to believe and understand this when it is my moment of death? I don't know, may be, may be not, but it is what I believe and understand in this moment. This moment is my moment of life. my belief in this moment of life helps me to live this moment of life the way I live it.
as far as i can tell, those who die do not return to this earth in the form they left. To me this means the only time the i that is the me of this life (or more accurately of this now moment of this life) - the only time i, will be in this life, is this life. i want to do this life all the way until i am done, then death me.
death as far as i can tell is like all endings, also a beginning. the moment of now that is an ending is also the moment of now that is a beginning. in the nows of life i want to do the best that i am able to do. In the nows of death I also want to do the best that I am able to do.
this life does contain struggle. that is all i am required to do - struggle (another form of what i call searching) - the best i am able to do is all i can do in this struggle or searching. even if i know there is better, i can not do better than i do. i can choose however, to do the best i am able to do. i am human. not a perfect creature. Not a perfect being. it is with and against the struggle of life that i will have to make my effort to do the best that I am able to do.
that effort as you pointed out only takes place in this now. this forever now that we never leave. we are never any place else - not the now of the past or the now of the future - only the now of this moment. so it is important in this moment that i struggle to become the best i am able to do. this moment of now is it. It is the same moment of now that I will die in and the same moment of now that will be another beginning even tho I may not fully understand what that beginning is or will be or will mean. This moment of now is the moment of becoming. Which is what all moments of now are, moments of becoming. That is what I can choose – becoming, to become. What do I wish to become in this moment? I can be what I wish to become – that is what my choice is about in this and every moment of now, I can struggle or search to become what I wish to become, what I wish to be.
i think it does not always take an end of life belief or experience to open an awakening. that is one way an awakening can happen, yes, but not the only way. life desperation moments that are not an ending of life threat, can bring this kind of realization as well. even this is not the only way... there are other ways as well. those moments of ah-ha when the veils before our eyes drop are valuable no matter how or where they arrive. a tap on the forehead can do it. loosing a loved one can do it. loosing a pet or being lost or just walking down a path on a beautiful day can do it. cool on your version. cool on thinking about it. cool on searching and struggling to find your answer and your way to become. and of course cool on your now... for the rest of your now moment of life...
Thank you for your appreciation of my story and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Wrick,
Thank you for your detailed response. I will take a careful look at it and contact you, if necessary, with my comments on your response.
10 Stars my friend!
I think most of us just want to keep on living...What a strong question to ask, and have to answer.
Good that you are so aware and encouraging others to be the same!
Excellent work!
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
experience for a patient..and it is.. not much time to think at all either...
Working in the emergency room is the most dramatic situation but unlike television drama it requires focus, calm, clarity and effective action so there is only that happening in those moments...that is what is needed...I have been on both sides of that situation.
While my mother was dying over a three day period I did feel a strange quiet power fill the air and felt the largeness of her soul and knew without a doubt we do continue..for that awareness to happen one needs more time..sudden death I feel would be the most difficult and shocking... that one I would not look forward to. Again..very interesting story.
To be or not to be...
For every star there is a season
For everything there is a reason.
Mystical Judaism teaches that every man is a universe and the death of one a tragedy. Wake us up Boris G. Shine your light and show us the way!
What I sense going on inside the mind of the narrator is a clash between his conscious mind (Why is life so precious to me when the quality of my life is poor? Why should I be allowed to live as my friends die?), and his unconscious, animal-instinct mind, saying that he must live at all costs.