Question for my Christian Friends

Cheryl -- I am not a practicing Christian, but I was in a similar situation to your son's when I was a teenager, though the church was not a good match for me. However, I think that forcing a teenager to go to church causes resentment against the church as an institution. If you feel that a big part of the issue is his shyness and lack of involvement with the other kids, could you maybe hook him up with a kid in the youth group who would kind of take the place of his sister? If you're involved with other adults in the church, I bet you could figure out, from other parents, whether there's another kid in the youth group that would be a good match as a friend for your son. Maybe he'd feel better about going if he didn't feel alone.

Thanks, David. I've been thinking this might be the way to go.

I would not force the issue. Let him take a break from church. I know that my oldest daughter broke from going to church for years. Now, she has decided to find a church to go to. I can only pray that she finds one she likes and sticks with it. I can't say much to her because I am not in a church at the moment either. My husband is a member of one church and I broke from the church I went to because of other problems. I do not like his church as it is the Church of Christ and I am more of Pentacostal, Non-Denominational type church goer. He is a truck driver so it will be real hard on us to find a church that we both like.

Hi Cheryl, I have to agree with David. I think if you find someone he feels comfortable in hanging out with, he will go. I think it's especially hard these days to connect to teenagers so there needs to be something (like seeing his sister) that will make him want to attend. Good luck, Cheryl!

A person's relationship with the Spririt is so personal, please allow him the freedom to feel it out for himself or else he will never think of it as anything but an authoritarian demand and he will miss out on what it is meant to be. He will put a wall up and that is not what you want

I was forced to go to church as a child and teenager. I also rebelled as I wanted to do my own thing. Now with what I am going thru it has brought me back even closer to the Lord. My sister bought me a book by Stormie O'Martian entitled "The Power of a Praying Parent which not only helps with kids still at home but teaches you how to pray for your adult children as well. I have only read a little of this book so far but another book of hers "The Power of a Praying Wife has helped me out greatly.

He doesn't have to go to church to know God and to worship him. But with his being so shy, I worry about him falling into the influence of some kids going down the wrong road. Not that kids who attend church don't do wrong, but I am saying that I think he needs guidance.
Another thing that has popped up in my head, doesn't he see his sister during the week? Maybe she could work it into her schedule to have dinner at your home once a week or take him to a movie just the two of them.

I feel sure that the problem could well be peer pressure. At the age of fifteen, a boy being seen out with mom by schoolfriends can bring ridicule from them unless they, too, are churchgoers.

Forcing the child to go will only cause more and greater rebellion. He will not concentrate of the spiritual things and will most likely deliberately shut his ears to any sermon.

I think you should just make sure that you keep to your Christian way of life so that he is living in the atmosphere of Christianity and hopefully he will see the benefits.

Kids today see through hypocritical actions clearer than you could imagine and we do have to face the fact that not all churchgoers actually "live" Christian lives, even if they are regular churchgoers.

I have seen that the teenage years are the most difficult for parents as the kids are becoming independent and want to do their own thing.

As far as "forcing" a teenager, nah, there's no reason to "force" him. I believe it depends on what you go for. If someone goes to church because they think they are doing there "duty", or even because it has cool music, I think, (just my opinion), but I think they are going for the wrong reason. If you think the boy would benefit from it, by all means, you should force him. It is actually better if the child is raised knowing the family will be going to the church unless of course illness. That way there will be no, well, do we go, or do we not go. I believe that if you are a christian, then you go to church to sing to God, and pray to Him, and to learn about what we can do to be better servants for Him. It does say in the Bible to "not to forsake the assembly". Translate that however you want, I believe it means that He wants us to worship, and sing, and learn about Him WITH others of the same mindset. I have heard that others think it's not needed to "go to church" . If that is the xase, why do we even have "churches"?... Why go at all?... I have also heard about they say, "well, people are such hypocrites, it's funny, those same "hypocrites" probably go to the grocery stores, or the movies, or other places, does that keep those people out of those places too?... LOL, nope, sure doesn't. Anyways, nah, I wouldn't "force" him. Let him just stay home and do whatever. Kinda wondering though, if it wasn't against the law for a child not to go to school, would you still make them go to school if they didn't want to, and why, or why not?.. Good luck.

Perhaps "force" is the wrong way of looking at all of this. I would lean towards David's suggestion. I have a 15 year old son, myself. I hear you loud and clear. He needs outlets, and supplying him with connections away from Sunday morning is "the" strategy. At his age, he's mortified to be seen with you without the support of sibblings. He needs some slack here. However, he needs to see that your encouragement to participate as part of the family has its rewards. Find that reward. Ours is a bakery trip each Sunday before service. Our son never wants to miss out on his croissants and hot chocolate. Make Sunday a "meal out after service" day (which does not mean you bring him a take out meal if he's home with his video games). :0) He needs to find the tangible (non just spirtual rewards) because that's the way a kid of his age thinks and reacts to. Encourage; don't force. Make Sunday a day that he'll feel sadly left out of more than just church if he opts out. He'll come around, I bet. Not to mention, he'll have the spiritual rewards as little seeds that you didn't force. I refer to our Sundays as "food" that fills the belly and the spirit.

I think David has hit towards the answer. Teens like socalizing with peers without the parent(s). If you could help him develop a friendship with someone from the church, it would/could help alot. His shyness, and not really knowing anyone there hinders any activity paticipation, untill he can grow comfortable with someone his age to 'hang out' with- but than if he could join in with some group,there's also the greater chance of him wanting to go more often. It can be a difficult time, but it will snowball into a power strugle, if you DEMAND. Wish the best, Cheryl

cheryl,

first of all christians come in all brands fundamentalists, to the extreme liberal, so you may get a very diverse opinion here,

but I will take as a christian and therapist,

from a christian point of view, I do not believe in shoving christianity down anybody's throat. To embrace God and church and prayer and devotion has to come from the heart or it is totally worthless.

To force your child to go when he doesn't want too may actually do more harm that good - therapist point of view. Children tend to hate the things they are forced to do.

You mention your son is shy, and he finds church boring, is there anything that can be done about it?

Can you talk to the pastor explain the situation and have him offer suggestions. Perhaps they can arrange for the kids to speak to him, and try to befriend him,

perhaps there a youth groups etc, that he does not know about that would help him integrate into the church.

also if you answer this comment please email me because I do not have the time to come back to stories I have read, just too much on my plate including getting my second book published.

thanks hon.

And if he decides he does not want to go to school, will you let him stay home? If he decideshe will not do his chores, will you let him get away with it?

Is the duty to go to church different?

If he starts to think that he does not have to do certain things, are you setting him up for problems when he has a career?

It sounds like your son was the same as I was when I was younger. I honestly think focing church on him might backfire, rather than help. I tried going to church youth groups, but ended up feeling miserable because I felt so out of place. And believe it or not there are cliques in church, just as there are in high school. I wasn't part of those groups, so it wasn't very enjoyable for me. If your son is overall a good child, I don't think that I would press the issue to much. It sounds like he will come around. I also think that you don't necessarily have to attend a brick and morter church to be a true christian. I don't attend a brick and mortar church ( I listen to Sherphard's Chappel on t.v), it is church at home and I feel just as close, if not closer to god than I would going to a brick and mortar church. I will be praying for you and your family in this time of need. Good luck.

Thank you, everyone....for the great comments. I got something from each and every one of them.

Carolyn M and Dorine...I see what you're saying in comparing going to church and going to school. Its just that I know quite a few people who were forced to go to church at my son's age and it has turned them totally away from not only church, but God. It isn't that I see church as any less important than school. Quite the contrary. And I don't really see going to church as a duty. I see it as a privilege.

Heather....I love your idea of doing something fun after church...like having dinner.......as an added incentive. This may work with him. Thanks!

Cheryl, Yes, I see being able to Pray to God, and sing to Him, and worship Him with others a privilege also. But, still a duty too. How about this, your married, do you see being a wife to your husband a privilege, or a duty?.. As far as the kids who were "forced" to go to a church, and then rebelled. Is that the parents fault for "forcing" something on a child they thought was right, or the church's fault, or the child, for rebelling?.. I am equally sure that there are kids who were "allowed" to be their own person", seems a popular term, and didn't even go to church, I'm sure some have morals, and others don't. I guess it all winds up to what exactly you believe church is for. No, just because you sit in a pew everytime the church doors are open, doesn't make you a christian. The most important thing for a christian is to do what God wants, right?.. This is getting too complicated, actually, you just wanted an answer to your question. Most people have a happy-go-lucky attitude, or mentality about "church" nowadays. Maybe, later, something will move your son to be saved, but by not trying to place a higher value on him going, the chances for that happening, with the way people think nowadays, I wouldn't count on it. I have seen a church close by to where we live have frequent "carnivals" and "fun" things, "gimicks" if you will, maybe that's the kind of church your looking for to better entice your son. Another thing I'm curious about is, if "christians" don't believe that they "have" to go to church, what about being a boy scout, can a boy or girl scout say the are "scouts" without going to meetings?.. Maybe they can be, just wondering. I'm betting that the kids who totally turned away from church because they were made to go, maybe didn't have parents who were the best role models to begin with, another opinion. I can see a bit of rebellion, but not totally for people that are actually living a christian life, no, I don't mean just going to church, I mean people who are the same, in church, and out, and while yes, people do make mistakes, there is a difference between someone telling their child not to do certain things that are wrong, and then for that child to see his parents go out partying, coming home drunk, dad flirting with the babysitter, mom toking on weed and cursing a blue streak, etc... Being a christian has a lot of privileges, and duties. If going to church is seen as just a duty, I don't think it does any good, if it is seen a just a privilege, I think it doesn't do any good. Balance.

Carolyn...thanks for the comment. I agree with you that there are a lot of factors that come into play that can turn a child either toward church or away from church. And I also agree that hypocritical parents are a huge factor in confusing a child who sees them one way at church and another way at home.

I think the problem with me when it comes to making a teenager go to church is that God gave us all free will. He doesn't force any of us to love him. So in forcing a teenager to go to church, especially when he is trying to get to know himself, seems to be in direct contrast to what God would do. God gives us choices. We may choose His way or not. God does not want anyone to come to Him unwillingly. In making a teenager go, it seems to me it would only make him want to go in the exact opposite direction....simply because he is trying to prove to the world that he is his own person with his own way of doing things. I know, in raising my first two children....if there was something I wanted them to do, I could pretty much count on them wanting to do the exact opposite. But if I acted like something was no big deal and left the choice to them, many times they would choose my way.

Its a difficult question and I know there are people on both sides of the fence. I think each family just needs to decide for themselves. The important thing is to lift the situation up to God in prayer and allow Him to intervene in whatever way He sees fit. In the end, God is in control anyway.

It's not Church that he is rebelling against.

I don't think that you can force church on anyone. He might go with you but not in spirit and it becomes a waste of time and not spiritually fulfilling anyway. I would explore why it is that he will only go with his sister. What is it about his sister that changes his outlook?

Joe...My son was used to being the youngest of three, and he is used to his brother and sister being around all the time. He misses them since they have both moved on to their own places. He doesn't get to see them everyday like he used to.

Just a thought, our children learn more by seeing our lives and the way in which we live them then they do anywhere else!

Thanks, Louis. My daughter does actually go with us when she doesn't have to work. And he will usually go then. The youth group is something that will take some doing. But with God, nothing is impossible.

Okay, you probably won't care for my thoughts but here goes. I have raised four children and only one of them might be a strong Christian but I am not sure. He is now 34. He liked church and drove himself too. The next three hated church, were the type of personalities that Dr. Dobson wrote the strong willed child for and I stopped enforcing church by age 13. I tried the youth group but found they were getting more sex education there then on the street so I threw that out too.

A personal relationship with Jesus Christ is all you want for your 15 year old. I would recommend letting go of church there and asking your son to sit with you and read one (not 5) devotionals with you on Sunday that the two of you discuss its meaning and let it go. Gods word never falls void. Pray for someone to come into his life that will help him reconnect. Never let a day go by that his salvation is not the first request and last request of your day to GOd. It may take years but the day will come because God is faithful to give us the desires of our heart.

Teens expecially learn by what they see, not by what they hear. You and your husband are the example and he will return. Its tough to be a Christian and be hormonal at the same time, thats why marriage was at 13 way back when.

When you cant see His hand, trust His heart. Do not force God upon him because again its all in Gods plan for each of us to be saved. He will be. Keep praying Mom.

Jeanne....I do like what you have to say, and I agree with you. My son is always in my prayers and I pray for God to open his heart to whatever God has for him, and I know that God will do this. I think I more or less wanted some comfirmation that I was doing the right thing by not forcing him to go, since I know those that do force their teenagers to go. Its kind of funny, but every week, I will just ask him in a matter of fact way if he is going to church with me. Most of the time, he says "no" or "I'm too tired" or some other excuse. I went a couple of weeks and just didn't ask....to see if he would notice. And he did. He asked me why I didn't ask him to go. I said, "Oh...I just didn't figure you wanted to go since you haven't been coming. I was letting you sleep in." And he responded, "Welll...I would have gone today if you'd asked."....lol. So I ask now each week, and sometimes he goes. He does love God.....and that's the most important thing.

I would think a heart to heart talk with your son about this situation is the best thing. He can tell you why he does not like going to church or maybe it is just he does not like who attends that church and feels weirded by it or something. You may have to switch churches to find one your whole family enjoys..

Here in this house... everyone goes to church ...

Trish...I have talked to him about it. But I get the typical teenage response, which doesn't really answer my questions. This is actually a new church for us. We started a year ago, and when he does go, he really enjoys it. I think it's just a matter of getting acclamated and making new friends....

Hi Cheryl. I just came across your article and wondered how things were going now? My suggestion, if the situation still stands, is to enlist the support of other parents with kids his age. If you can get him introduced to some other kids and they invite him and get him involved it may make him feel more like going. If your son is shy, as you say he is, it is probably hard for him to try to break into the cliques. And, even in church Sunday schools, there are cliques. Let us know how things are going.

Thank you, Carla. Things seem to be going a bit better now. He has actually been going with us and seems to enjoy it. He really likes the minister...and the music...so that helps.

That's great to hear, Cheryl. I don't believe that you have to go to church to be a Christian, but young people can really benefit by being with others of their own age who are on the right track.

I agree with Trish: Here in this house... everyone goes to church ... --Joe

Cheryl, my son got involved in a cult for 2 to 3 years, and we were only able to get him completely out several months ago........he is now living at home again....something so bad happened to him, but he cannot/will not share, and I don't feel it's right for me or hubby to "pry" or push........since he's gotten out, he has not gone back to church at all.......when he was with "them," he was going to church like 3, 4 and 5 times a week.......it was an obsession.
I think, Cheryl, you just have to let go and don't push him to go to church......Adam knows that I go each and every Sunday (well, most every week), and he knows he's invited, but chooses not to......I just keep praying that God will bring him around.....and all my friends in my church keep him in prayer as well.....eventually he will come around...just give him time and space....believe me, it IS hard, but I know that I have to, as well.
If you want/need to talk, please feel free to contact me!