Bra 6, "the girls", and me

My dad is a technology freak. If it is new and is supposed to improve your life, he has it or is planning to have it in the future. I am my father’s daughter in every way except I lack the budget to get all the new technologies I would like to have. However, it is once again time for the semiannual Bra Sale at Lane Bryant.

I used to be strictly a Victoria’s Secret girl until I realized that Victoria’s dirty little secret was that she can subject her customers to not only poor and shabby treatment and charge you a dear price for it too. I would rather wear Kmart lingerie which if you are naturally or artificially endowed the choices are: the "prison matron lock down" style brassiere or the "Cross My Nips" Joe Boxer type bras. (Hint: What do men’s boxers have to do with women’s bras? Not a thing …..One is for 2 things that hang around…..until National Geographic becomes bathroom reading of choice, you should not buy a bra from a company who’s primary purpose is manufacturing a comfortable place for two things to hang around.) So…..if you are cute, little, and perky…..you can shop at kmart or anywhere, for that matter, without issue. But if you have more than a mouthful it will be a waste if you don’t provide a proper home and foundation for "the girls".

So back to Lane Bryant….where foundation meets function….and from there meets sexy and downright cute for the naturally or siliconically endowed girls with measurements of 36C on up! Whether you are into utilitarian bosom smashing, looking to lift and separate, want your bra to resemble icing on a voluptuous cake, or simply wish to allow the huddled masses (yearning) to breathe free….this is the place to shop. And if you are unsure of the dimensions of your mountain’s majesty especially if they are purple from lack of circulation because you are wearing the wrong size bra….just ask a friendly sales associate….and yes….they are actually friendly to perform a measurement on you. I especially like that if you request it, they are happy to measure you privately instead of in front of the whole store. (This happened to me in Victoria’s secret and I was mortified when she announced my breastically advanced state to my fellow shoppers.)

So back to technology….LB now has a new bra…..Bra 6! Not only does it appeal to my bra aesthetic but it currently has a patent pending….and that totally turns on my inner technology geek. Probably means nothing in the real world, but in my mind, it means something new to try.

First I wanted to know what was the "6" in Bra 6. So I consulted the LB website and this is what it said:

traditional configuration, strapless, cross-back, one-shoulder, halter style, or using the invisi-band insert in back.

I love that there is such a thing as a bra "configuration". So much meaning in one 25 cent word. Versatility is a big thing for me, so I was digging that, especially since designers are not thinking about how their "configurations" look on someone with much greater swelling at the site of their mosquito bites. It can be a challenge to get "the girls" to be compliant in various forms of finery. And many of you all know….a good strapless bra is worth its weight in gold. No…it is worth your breasts weight in gold. Speaking of gold….this bra costs $42. Yes. $42 dollars. So I had to buy 1….with a coupon of course. Since an ounce of gold is going for about $625….well…this is a bargain.

So I bought Bra 6 and took her home and I thought about giving her a name….but then thought better of it. It took me 15 MINUTEs to get it on. Instead of having one set of hooks, it has 2 . And they are not located in the usual places. They are located directly below each shoulder blade. Geeeez. I assume the reasoning for this is because you can remove the regular strap and put the "invisband" in its place for when you are wearing something low cut in the back. But let me tell you friends, I take my bra on and off more times than I wear something low cut in the back.

I strapped myself in finally and I was very pleased. My breasts were defying gravity. They were worshipping the sun as they are meant to do. My back did not hurt. It felt comfortable. No medieval throwback, like underwires, poked me anywhere. It was a Godsend.

But then I looked down…..there they were….the girls. Under my chin. Everywhere I went, I did not feel alone….because there they were. I probably could have looked down and kissed them. I asked the male residents in my home and they assured me that it looked good. AND I might have taken that as a self defense tactic….but I got the look that made me reach for the pepper spray. (hee….we are complex creatures….and they are so not.)

Then I took it for a test drive. I was really afraid someone was going to say….look!....she has floating boobs! But that never happened. I did feel more confident. I felt like my tummy looked flatter, feet looked cute….all was well down below…..but then again. I could not see down below "the girls" so all kinds of terrible things could have been happening…like a tarantula on the leg…and I would be none the wiser. So I guess you could say that the bra is a safety hazard.

I even got compliments….sort of. I went to the gas station and some guy offered to pump my gas. Well, he did not exactly offer his services to me personally, but to "the girls". Last I checked, "the girls" don’t drive or require gas, so as their guardian, I declined his kind offer and pumped MY gas. I even got a "nice chi chis" comment….which is weird to me. I have never walked up to a guy, talked to him in the direction of the "Cajones brothers and their tall uncle" and commented on their niceness. Odd. But whatever. So the moral of this is….the bra makes "the girls" look slammin’…..to creeps at gas stations.

That night I went to take the Bra off. Ladies, let me tell you. If you are into spontaneity, if you like to get to bed at a decent hour, if you are not double jointed….this may not be the bra for you. And guys…..If you thought you had trouble with 2 or 3 measley hooks…get ready….we have a whole new challenge for you. (Hint: bring the jaws of life….you guys *know* you like challenges)

All in all it is a great bra. I believe it is called Bra 6 not for the versatility but perhaps for the 3 hours it takes to get in to it and the 3 hours it takes to escape it. But generally speaking….it deserves a patent and the girls will like it too!