I Would Really Like to Know – I Think
I have a bad habit of dashing off articles on the spur of the moment. That may be OK for light-hearted random musings, but not for memoirs, or historical pieces. I think I have botched up my article “Ladies From Hell” pretty badly. The content may be interesting, but not the way I presented it. I want to delete it and rewrite it to be posted again when a decent interval has elapsed. Ever since I published this article, I have been going back to make changes. After more thought it seems to me I should delete it and start over from the beginning. I need help!
From reading articles by other Gatherites, I am under the impression that many of you are teachers, or at least have college educations, that gave you a better understanding of English and the process of writing than I have. My formal education ended with high school, except for special courses concerned with my employment. The excellent quality of writing I have encountered by some authors on Gather, make me know there is a lot I don’t know about writing. I can put words together in a folksy way that is enjoyable to some people, but I also want to do pieces close to my heart with more class and correctness. I repeat, I need help!
The first thing I think needs doing to improve this article about Donald, the Black Watchman, is to eliminate all I have written about my first husband. It isn’t meant to be his story. Was it necessary for me to write so much about my first husband, or should that be in a separate article if I want to write one? My article is intended for the story of Donald and now I believe all that about the bar and my husband’s illness and our declining relationship should not be in the article at all. I could cut it back to saying I met Donald in a bar; I don’t have to say it was my husband’s bar. In fact maybe the whole story should be treated in the third person as fiction. I have never tried fiction. Also, there is more history of the Black Watch and the British Commandos that could be added, but I think one big flaw in the article as it stands, is that it is too long for posting here in one big gulp. Adding more history could make it longer, even if I delete the part about my first husband.
My article, “Ladies From Hell” is now back in the stored material beyond the three articles posted up front. I will really appreciate it if someone will go back and critique it, and suggest improvements. What do you think? I would appreciate some criticism and suggestions. I’ll try not to get my feelings hurt. Donald and my first husband deserves better article than what I have published here.
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Comments: 19
The very first article I did for Gather was "The Legacy of Mrs. Peckham". Carol Voights made a comment that I really had three stories in one. I t was a good point and since then I try to be aware of that aspect as I write. I feel as the same is true about the Donald story.
Adding or subtracting information about the 1st husband depends on what perspective you want for the story. If it's your perspective about how you went through these experiences, then the 1st husband matters. If you are telling a story about what Donald was like as a person, then perhaps you don't need that part added.
There is no "right" length; each story has its own details, and if they are important to include, then taking them out to shorten the story would ruin it. If they are just "nice to have" background, then you can safely eliminate them.
Several authors here on Gather are telling stories in chapters, so if you feel the length is too long for one piece, you might want to break it up that way.
Similarly, style is something that is unique to each writer. "Folksy" is actually quite a good style for recounting personal history, but if you want to make it more formal, that will work too. The potential problem there is that it might feel awkward to you, and that would make the writing awkward as well.
One technique that might help you is to write 4 or 5 paragraphs, and then ask for readers to "rewrite" them for you in their style. That would help you get a sense of several different ways to write the same information, which would in turn help you find "your voice" in writing style.
I hope this helps!
Here's the thing about critique...first of all you filter it, you don't accept what everyone says. They are suggestions and not demand.
I'll give you a "for instance". Ok David R, on here is a grand editor, I know I can trust him, he's accurate, honest, but also kind and equally as quick to help correct as he is to criticize. Well there was something he pointed out in one of my stories, it was about a time clock. Here where I live, it is not uncommon to have a "punch" clock. Even in office jobs etc. HE, living where he is hadn't seen one in many MANY years, so he felt that something I talked about was outdated.
He simply stated that, then I responded and it turns out that for me it is not out dated. I chose to leave it the way it was.
If I had just accepted what he said and changed it, I would have lost part of "my voice" my story my experience.
I don't know if this is making sense, I hope it is.
Another thing, when you put something up here, write "critique welcome" or "critique wanted" in the tag line, it gives people more freedom to comment
Part of my problem is that Donald was a complex man who never revealed his secrets to me. I don't know if he was a hero or a con man, or a little of both. I was afraid of him the last year of his life, and I made living and sleeping quarters for myself in the shell of our big pickup. But I still cooked and cleaned for him as much as he would let me. I left out a lot of bad things because I feel they were symptoms of what ailed him. I still loved him for the basic good person I think he was. Or was he?
All special ops guys are part con men because they can never tell you the whole truth about their lives. By definition, they "compartmentalize" their two worlds and do not mix them. If you watch TV at all, try to catch "The Unit" on CBS on Tuesdays. It's about a Ranger unit that is covert, so the personalities might bring back memories for you.
But you have developed an interesting voice. Keep on developing it. don't be someone else's voice.
HGM - Reading aloud sounds like a very good idea. I often fail to type in a lot of little words. and don't notice until quite a while after I've posted the article. I will appreciate it if you read the article and give me your opinion, not about content, but the way I constructed the story.
I better not give an opinion on your writing, ever since I've been on gather I've been learning from you.'' But I will anyway'', I personally loved the way you told the story of the Black Watch at times through Donalds eyes at times through your own. Unless your doing a complete history report,I agree with Lynn about the styles,you have a Folksy' discriptive style of writing that makes your writing very pleasurable to read , I felt all the way through''Ladies From Hell'' how close Donald became to what ultimately became his family. The Black Watch . I think Jennifer makes the best point all day you can't learn your extrordanary tallent for writing and story telling in college. I say don't change your style or shorten anything,I dont even realise the length of an artical you have written so engrosing are your stories.
Darcey
Each time you edit that article or other articles, read through the journal, does the word already appear, or does that grammar rule already appear? If not, write down these new errors. But if so you are making repetitive mistakes and need to work on those. Good luck.
This idea is from my daughter's Journalism teacher back in high school.