Relationships and Death

My father and I have never had a close relationship. I think it's fairly clear that he felt something just slighter than contempt when I was born. Now that's completely projection as my father never shows his feelings. But, how would you feel if you were 40 years hold, had 4 children, were struggling to make ends meet, only wanted 3 children to begin with but the 4th came along for a ride with the 3rd (twins) and now you find that your wife has lied to you in order to get pregnant again -- a preganacy she wanted, but you didn't? You have to start going to night school to learn a new trade in order to get a high-paying job to support 5 children -- 2 of which were never EVER in your life plan, but you rolled with the punches with number 4 since there was no choice.

Yes, I was lucky number 5. A child both dearly wanted and despised at the same time. I can't say if my father was more distant from me than my other siblings as I came 6 years after the youngest of the 4. But I know that I have no fond memories of him from my childhood. He may have been their physically, but he was never really available to me. Oh! Except for one time....I remember I was 3 or 4, maybe 5. To keep me occupied, he had me sort buttons and asked me how many I would have it I put two groups of buttons together. It was a fun game for me, and I attribute my love for math to that moment.

During my adolescence, I held nothing but contempt for the man. We constantly argued. I told myself that I wouldn't cry at his funeral, which bothered me, but I knew that was the honest truth.

Throughout the past 20 years, we have both mellowed. His mellowing came in the form of Alzheimer's. I rearranged my life in order to help my mom. My heart had softened for Dad, but my greater concern was helping Mom deal with the situation. I had come to a place of forgiveness for Dad and accepted that he did the best he could given his life situation.So I did have concern for him, too, but, by this time in our lives, it was too late for strong bonds.

For the past 2 years, my father has been in a nursing home. During the first year I visited twice a week. I learned even more compassion. That pledge of not crying at his funeral softened for a variety of reasons. One was the greater compassion and the other was that I knew I would feel a sense of relief that he was released from Alzheimer's and mom wouldn't feel so anxious in this period of waiting and watching with no control over the outcome.

Yesterday I learned that my father is in his last days. His heart has been slowing down even more drastically. They feel he will simply fall asleep one day and not have the strength to wake up.

I am away on a business trip in Canada. I have the ok from my company to go home if I need to, but...of course, they'd like me to stay if I can. We are in a major crisis with the project we are working on. While I am not proud of all of these emotions, this is what is coursing through me right now:

• I don't need to see my father again before he dies. There's nothing I need to say.
• It would cost cost over $1000 to fly to St. Louis from Canada. If I wait until he dies, I can get a discounted rate. Money is tight right now.
• I am fueled by being able to help a company get out of a jam.
• What will my siblings think if I don't go home?
• I agreed to spend the weekend in Canada so that I would be here Monday and Tuesday next week. I didn't have to agree to that and could have flown home over the weekend. So, maybe they would cover the flight to St. Louis for the weekend.
• My siblings have all come to Mom's aid. Maybe I should wait until my brother flies back to Ohio to go. She may appreciate my presence more then.
• I can't afford to fly to St. Louis now AND when Dad dies. My job would understand, it's my finances that would suffer.
• But...I only have one shot at this. Will I regret not making time, spending the money, to see Dad one more time?
• What will one more time give me/him? Yes, he still recognizes people and he can communicate sometimes. So, I'll never know what I missed.
• When I knew my brother was dieing, I wanted to be with him. I don't feel the need to be with my father as he dies.

Such torn thoughts/emotions. The song that has been running through my head since last night has the lyrics "Two hearts, living in just one mind. Living together, till the end of time." I do have two completely different hearts over this situation. I thought it would be very neat and tidy -- little emotion other than relief and a bit of sadness over the loss for a man I did finally come to understand and love for all he tried to do.

Sometime today I have to figure out if I'm going to book a flight for Saturday. Mom promised he would call with an update. That may give me my answer.

It's rainy and foggy today -- perfect for my mood.