the truth?

I think it's really important to be honest with the kids. If he can't do it, then someone has too, and you're up. In a world where there's already rampant hatred of all things different, starting off things with a lie is just asking for trouble. Perhaps talk to him, and call a family meeting to discuss it openly with the kids. If he's not up for that, then the family meeting continues, sans dad.

If your daughter is anything like my 12 year old, she already knows more then she is letting on and is waiting for someone to open the conversation. Most important is to let them know that he's still their dad, and that he loves them. (I'm assuming this is true, of course. heh.)

It's not going to be an easy conversation, by any means, but it'll be much better then a few years down the line when she discovers the lie and gets really pissed about it, ya know? Loving another man will pale completely in the "you LIED to me" sense of betrayal.

And if he's not man enough to be honest, it is up to you to be so. Don't be drawn into his lie. It's your business to do what's right for your kids.

She will eventually find out. I would keep it simple: emphasize he will always be her father and love her but that you and he are going to live separately, at least for a while, and because of that the bed she saw was not yours.

Gee, this is a tough one. The fact is that if you do not tell her then she may resent that you were not honest with her when she finally does find out. On the other hand, I am not sure how mature your 11 year old daughter is either. It may be too tough for her to handle. Sorry I am not much help. Would be better to get this advice from a professional, I think. Be discriminatory about whom you choose to help you with this. It's fine to get others' opinions but you are the one with all the pieces to the puzzle, and I've seen people give advice without knowing all the facts. It can be disastrous. Good luck with this.

There are so many ways that he is not man enough, that would fill many articles. He has done some rotten, insensitive, and hurtful things. Most importantly, he has neglected the kids. I am not sure if you noticed, but I took her to visit him. However, he does love the kids. He is just emotionally retarded, and does not know how to show it. He told my teen son by text message with no conversation or consideration of his feelings. I had a conversation with my son, but there were so many questions that I could not answer for my ex. When asked, he is not forthcoming with this information. He will avoid the question.

My plan is to be honest with her if she asks me. I just want to know what other people think about this. I enjoy hearing your comments and insights.

Having already lived the situation let me tell you what I did. My x started dating men immediately after we split (yes, because I found out he wanted to be gay but wasn't quite ready, I cut him loose before he was ready). The man he started seeing seriously is a wonderful guy named Bill. Anyway lies only lead to trust issues and parents should never lie to their kids even if it means we look dumb or have to admit mistakes.
My daughter was younger probably about 9 when she spent the night at her dads and he did not come home until morning. Her sister Allison said nothing but Pam then found a card from Bill to her dad and read it. At this point she decided something was a bit funny. She asked me if her dad liked boys and I told her yes. We discussed it immediately when she was about 11 and point blank asked me if her dad was gay. I said yes. In these situations you only answer the questions truthfully and do not offer explanations. Telling them to discuss it with the dad is ridiculous because if he had been a man of character he would have not given into the selfish desires and finished being a parent to the child first then persued another lifestyle.
I think you have to decide how you feel about "Gay" as a moral issue for yourself first. Do you want your child to accept this as appropriate behavior or not. Children learn by what they see more than by what they hear. How you handle the situation will be far more convincing than your words.
Personally I did not want my daughter spending the night at his home with another man in his bed no matter how much I admire his significant other. I think learning about sexuality to begin with is difficult without compounding the situation. She never stayed overnight once they became live together partners. Her dad came and saw her every other Saturday until she was 19.

I really do not agree with the idea that as long as it makes Daddy happy your daughter should try to understand. She is too young and that can be interpretted to suite any other situation. Dad smokes pot? Dad sleeps with people he meets?

I think you must define how you feel about gay relationships. I personally believe when a man is married he has an obligation morally to stay until the kids are raised and not give in to his self fullfilled prophecy about being gay. It is totally selfish to bring children into the world and then abandon them for sex whether it is with a woman or a man.

Jeanne thank you for sharing. It is nice to know that I am not the only one to have to experience this. Your insight is most helpful. I think my daughter is at the point that she thinks something is funny, but she has not come right out and asked me.

I was not comfortable, nor is she spending the night at his house prior to this revelation. You have given me some things to think about. Thanks again.

Sue, my brother came out of the closet several years back after 20 years of marriage. He had two daughters. He was honest with them about it. They were upset about it at the time, more so about their parents' divorce. But over time they came to understand and now it's no big thing. Everybody knows gay people now. It is not the secret that it used to be.

Don't lie to your daughter, but if your husband is not willing to tell her the truth share it in a way that is compassionate towards him and her well-being also. It does not help her to feel that there is something "wrong" with her dad. Medical science has found a link now to genetic differences in gays rather than a moral problem.

Homosexuality is not just about sex as has been written. Homosexuals are humans with emotional needs just like straight people. They don't have orgies all day and live to have sex. There are as many straight sexual addicts as there are gay ones.

I am a minister. I have seen the Bible misinterpreted to show prejudice against gays, blacks, women, and even married people. The most important teaching of Jesus was to love God and to love others as we love ourselves.

Carla - Loving others as we would love ourselves does NOT mean that you enable people to do what God has declared wrong. Would you enable me to keep stealing just to show you love me? Of course not. Yet the Bible is very clear about no stealing and no homosexuality. I don't understand how it can be misinterpreted on these points.

Sue - Please consider republishing this to the Prayer Chain group. Prayer is the best way to deal with this because God knows what needs to be done! All your friends can help you with this - just ask!

Thank you Carla. I always want to view this with compassion. I really do not want to be hateful or judgemental.

On this issue I must interject a memory from childhood. On my very first day of kindergarten my mother and I stood holding hands while she chatted with a woman who was holding her very handsome son's hand. While our mothers were engaged in their conversation, that little boy and I fell in puppy love. We both had crushes on each other until he moved out of state in the 5th grade. I have always been very attracted to boys in my youth and men in my adulthood. This is nothing that I ever planned. It is just the way I am. If someone were to tell methat it is wrong for me to be attracted to males and I had to change my preference to females I would not be able to do this. I can't help but think that gay people are also attracted to whom they are because that is just the way it is for them as well.

i am sure this has already been taken care of