Novel Excerpt: Ch. 1-- Almighty Whispers in My Soul

When my sister Lucy and I were little girls, we promised each other we would never let a man enslave us the way our Daddy had enslaved our Mama. I also promised Lucy I would always take care of her.

     I took over as Lucy's protector when she was four and I was six. She already couldn't bear the thought of standing still, and had invented some kind of crazy dance. Daddy was busy studying his catechism in his chair, when he stuck his boot straight out and Lucy went flying, and hit her head on the table.

     She started crying, and like any four year old, went to our Mama for comfort. Mama looked at Lucy's wound long enough to determine it was something that would heal on its own, and brushed Lucy away.

     "This never would've happened if you could behave yourself like Molly," she said.

     "She's just little, Mama," I said.  "She can't help it."

     "Molly Agnes McMillen, do you remember what the Bible says about honoring your mother and father?"

     "I do, Mama," I said.  "But Daddy was wrong."

     From then on, Lucy ran to me when she was hurt instead of Mama.  That particular episode landed both Lucy and me in our room.  Even though I was only six, I knew looking out for Lucy was the right thing. There was more than one way to tap into the Will of God. I could always look it up in the Bible, or check the catechism or even see the priest. Then there was the part I just knew. The parts I couldn't help but believe whether I had proof or not, the inherent sense of justice that moved through me like almighty whispers in my soul.

     I let Lucy lay her head on my lap as I noticed the purple mark swell around the bump on her forehead. I hated to see anything mar her. Lucy was pretty the way Daddy would've been handsome if her wasn't mean. They were both blonde, with a slight tinge of red to show their Irish heritage, only Daddy's hair was a little more red than Lucy's. They had the same green eyes, but while Lucy's danced, Daddy's terrified us most of the time. I wondered if they had ever been any different. I wondered if Mama used to see them dance like Lucy's back in the days he had more to look forward to than plowing the fields he inherited.

     Daddy had grown up in Leifton, but he left right after high school in 1957. He spent some time in Minneapolis, and eventually got a sales job so he could travel. He wound up in Missouri, where he met Mama. His Daddy had acquired the Leifton farm after World War II in 1945. His brothers, Liam and Kelly, were already sixteen and seventeen by then and were unwilling to trade their lives out East for a quiet farm life in Minnesota.

     It had always been understood that Daddy would take over the farm when he got married, and Mama was more than willing to follow him back to Leifton when she married him in 1960. He worked hard in the field; I can say that much for him. But he never liked farming and he resented the world and God for picking agriculture as the field he would fall into despite his attempt to escape.

     It didn't help either, that Lucy and I were girls. His only hope was that Mama could prepare us to marry nice strong catholic boys that could take over the land. We fell in love with Lutherans. Lucy ran wild with Denny Ferguson once she hit fourteen, and I was far too taken with Nate Halifax to tame them.

     I'd known Nate and Denny since kindergarten, and they both got to be a regular fixture in our lives once Daddy hooked up with Mr. Ferguson for their poker nights. Daddy didn't mind so much that he was a Lutheran because it meant he had a terrible bluff. "Ferguson is surefire money in my pocket," Daddy used to say.

     Ferguson was Denny's father, Steven Ferguson, who preferred his last name to his first. The other standby in Daddy's poker games was Larry Lutzen, Ferguson's main rival at the Mill, where Daddy took all the grain from the wheat field. The fourth man revolved, depending on who had cash to burn on a particular Friday.

     On a good night, the games met at the farm, and Mama dropped us off with Mrs. Ferguson in town. She never stayed, although Mrs. Ferguson tried to be sociable. "Would you like some coffee, Evelyn?" she asked once. Mama jumped; surprised that someone would call her by her first name.

     "No thank you," she said.  "Gotta get back and take care of the boys."

**

     Lucy started fidgeting, and I assumed it meant her head felt better.

     "Can't you be still for a little while?" I pleaded. "They can hear us downstairs."

     "But the angels are singing to me, Molly," she argued. "I have to dance."  

     "I know, Lucy, but you can't around Daddy, unless you want a bruise on your backside to match the one on your forehead. Mama's bound to set us free after supper. I'll take you out by the apple trees. You can dance all you want."

**

     Nearly twelve years later Lucy stopped dancing. She was almost sixteen, and she came, on foot to Nate's place where he and I made our home after we were first married. It was small, half of a side by side Nate's mom had rented from the widow who lived in the other side.  It had been plenty big for the two of them. His mom was hardly ever home anyway, and his dad had taken off when Nate was three.

      Nate's mom was back for the wedding, but she hadn't lived with Nate for several months. In February she had taken a trip up to Minneapolis to see her brother. He hooked her up with a friend of his and instead of coming home she called Nate to tell him she was staying in Minneapolis, and he was welcome to come up and join her. Nate was working part time at the Mill and figured he could scrape up enough to make rent and buy minimal food. The Ferguson's had been feeding him half the time anyway. He and Denny had practically been welded together from the time they were four years old, that was until I managed to wedge myself in more and more, and Denny finally realized Lucy wasn't so little anymore.

     The Ferguson's present to us both was to let Nate's mom and her boyfriend stay with them, although Nate's mom's room had stayed vacant since she left. It was our honeymoon, after all, even though we couldn't afford to go anywhere.  

     Lucy showed up barefoot in the yard at five in the morning. She had walked over along the dirt road all the way from the farm. Nate was the one who answered the door.

     "Denny isn't here, is he?" she asked.

     "No, he's not here. You want me to call him?"

     "No!" Lucy gasped. "Nate, you gotta promise you won't tell him where I am."

     "Lucy, if you're in trouble...."

     "Promise, Nathaniel!" she said.

     I'd been getting dressed when I heard Lucy's voice, and I put my hand on Nathaniel's shoulder to let him know I was beside him. He took a gentle grip on my fingers and dropped my arm back to my side before maneuvering his arm around my waist. "You better promise, Nate, at least until I can figure out what's going on." I told him.

     He nodded. "It's a sister thing, I suppose," he said. "I promise. I haven't seen you, Luce."

     Lucy could barely breathe. "Thank you," she managed.

     I looked at her face. It was dirty and bloody and swollen, and her legs and feet were scraped up, either from whatever happened or from walking the five miles from the farm. "You need anything, Honey? Some water, ice tea?"

     "You got anything stronger?" Lucy asked.

     "My mom gave us a bottle of wine. I can mix some with some soda if you want." Nate offered.

     "Nate, she's a minor!" I scolded.

     "Molly, she's obviously been through hell. I don't think a glass of wine is going to corrupt her."

     "Straight is fine," Lucy said. "Whatever you have, and a hot bath, if it's not too much trouble."

     "Towels are in the linen closet. I'll get you your wine-just a glass though. Go ahead and start the water, and I'll be in to help you."

     Lucy half-smiled. "Thanks, Mol," she said.  "You too, Nate.  Sorry to interrupt the honeymoon."

     Nate shrugged. I'm gonna lie on the davenport for a bit. Find me if you need me, ‘kay Babe?" He stopped his hand for a few extra seconds on my belly before pulling his arm away.

     "Love you," I told him.

     Nathaniel smiled. "Go take care of your sister," he said.

     By the time I got upstairs, the tub was half full of steaming water and Lucy was in it, soaking her washcloth over and over scrubbing vigorously and sobbing. I sat on a stool beside the tub, and she pulled the glass of wine from my hand and downed it in two swallows. She reached over and hugged me so tight I thought I was going to fall into the bathtub with her.

     I didn't say a word at first, but waited for her sobs to slow to whimpers.

     "You want me to wash your hair?" I asked.

     She nodded, and I used her empty wine glass to ladle the warm water over the top of her head.

     "Was it Daddy?" I asked as I squirted a quarter-sized dollop on strawberry shampoo into my hand and worked a lather into my sister's hair.

     "I missed curfew," she said.

     "You were with Denny?" I asked.

     Lucy nodded, but she wouldn't look at me. She kept her eyes focused on her knees.

     "Lucy," I repeated. "You were with Denny. He didn't pressure you, did he?  Make you...."

     "No, not him," she said. "Denny's an angel. God bless the angels." She made the sign of the cross. Lucy hardly ever did anything religious. I joined her instinctively.

     "Amen," I said.

     "Mama wasn't home when I got there. Daddy said she was looking for me. It was just Daddy and Larry.  The others had left already. You can't tell anyone, not even Nate. There's only so much he can keep from Denny, no matter how hard he tries."

     "Lucy, you can't hide all this," I told her. "People are going to see."

     "They don't have to know all of it," she said. "Jesus, it's common knowledge Daddy lets me have it from time to time."

     "Sweetie what happened?" I asked as I rinsed her hair with clean warm water from the tap.

     "Daddy held me down," she told me. "And Larry...."

     She was sobbing again. I helped her out of the tub and pulled a towel around her.

     "It was just a beating," she said, but I knew enough to piece together the untold story. I found her a nightgown and tucked her in the twin-sized bed where Nate and I had huddled together, and I lay beside her until she fell asleep. I had promised to protect her, and in my selfishness, I had failed.

     I left Lucy sleeping and went downstairs to join my husband. Husband, I could hardly believe it was true. I adored Nathaniel, but I couldn't help but tell myself if I hadn't married him Lucy would not be upstairs sleeping in his childhood bed beaten and violated. Nate was groggy, but he woke enough to sit beside me.

     "You need your sleep, Molly," he told me. "You have to take care of yourself too, especially now. Did you tell Lucy about the baby?"

     "It didn't come up."

     "Did she tell you what happened?"

     "She started, but she wore herself out."

     "Wore you out too," he said. "Come here." Nate let me lay against his chest because he knew it calmed me to hear his heart beat.

     "We can't send her back there," I told him. Nathaniel hushed me, and told me I wasn't to worry about any of it for the next two hours. He lifted my head gently and gathered a sleeping bag so he could lie on the floor next to the davenport. It was silly, the extent we would go to be near each other, even forsaking other comfort. Nate's mom had given us the all clear to sleep in her double bed, but even as husband and wife neither of us could bring ourselves to do it. We hadn't shared the news of my pregnancy with anyone besides each other, and we hadn't had any real confirmation aside from my missed period and morning sickness. We didn't want to go through our wedding with everyone saying it was just shotgun.

     It was my morning sickness that tipped off Lucy. She woke up when she heard me in the bathroom, and I had to reassure her a little nausea was normal in my condition.

     "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

     "I was about to, really.  Nate and I wanted to savor the secret for a bit is all.

     "How far are you?" she asked.

     I still felt a little dizzy, but I was glad my situation was distracting her from hers.

     "About two months, I think," I said. "I know we should've waited, but I knew Nate was going to marry me."

     "Of course you did. He took all those catholic classes at St. Anne's. Nate's a great guy, and it got you out of the house. That's always a good thing."

     "Yes, but look what happened to you."

     "Molly, don't you dare blame yourself for this."

     "I promised I'd take care of you, Luce."

     Lucy held my hand and touched my stomach. "I think someone else is more important now," she said.

     "I can't let Daddy near the baby," I said.

     "Maybe they'll leave," Lucy suggested. "Do you think Nate would take over the farm? That's how he and Mama got it, remember? McMillen tradition, he took over when he got married."

     "I'll have to be sure Nate wants to do it. Daddy might not even go for it. You know how he is about Lutherans, and even though Nathaniel's converted he doesn't quite buy it.  He wouldn't even attend the wedding. He told me Nathaniel was no better than a bastard since his father walked out on his mother when he was just a little boy. He said that's what happens when you go through life with watered down faith, like Lutherans or Methodists or any of those godless Protestants that paid no attention to the Bible. They make the rules as they go along."

     I was caught in my own monologue, and I looked up and noticed Lucy shaking again.

     "You have to get him out of there," Lucy told me. "A man who would hold his daughter down while another man raped her is not safe around a baby.  You have to convince him. He's never liked farming or the cold winters. Maybe he and Mama would take off for somewhere warm."

     "Sweetie, I thought you said it was just a beating."

     "It was," Lucy said. "As far as anyone else is concerned that's the story."

     "But you could press criminal charges against Larry and Daddy," I said.

     "With Larry "King of the Mill?" I don't think so. It would pull the whole town into chaos; cost at least a hundred men their jobs, including Nate and Denny and his dad."

     "Are you at least going to tell Denny?"

     Lucy shook her head. "He'd kill them, Mol. At least Larry and maybe Daddy too. He'd make a mess out of his life.  I can't let him do that."

     Lucy was right. I hated to keep the secret, but there was no telling how Denny or Nate would react. The four of us, me, Nate, Lucy and Denny had been a fixture for so long that Lucy was almost as much of a little sister to him as she was to me.

     "Do you want me to call Mama, let her know you're safe?"

     Lucy shrugged. "If you want."

     "Does she know?"

     Lucy nodded. "She won't face it. I hid in my room at first after it happened, and Mama came and found me after she got home. She said she was sure nothing happened that I didn't deserve and I ought to pull myself together for the sake of the family and the community."

     "She's as bad as he is," I said.

     "Not quite. She's just faithful. Blind, deaf and dumb with devotion to Daddy."

     We heard Nate downstairs, and went to join him.

     "I thought you both ran away." he said.

     "Not a chance," I said. "I was telling Lucy our news."

     "Congratulations, Nate. You must be excited." Lucy said

     "Excited and a little scared," he admitted. "It's not like I have a lot of experience to go by."

     "Go by your heart, Dear," I told him. I brushed his brillo-y morning whiskers with my hand and kissed him. Nate blushed a little.

     "Damn," Lucy said. "Can't you two give it a rest?"

     "Don't curse, Lucy," I said. My seriousness surprised me, but suddenly I felt the need not only to protect her from Daddy, but from herself.

     Lucy didn't answer. She didn't apologize to me or the Lord. She didn't even tell me I had no business telling her what she could or could not say, which would have been most in character, if she hadn't been stuck in personal limbo.

     Nate broke the silence.

     "What would you ladies like for breakfast?" he asked, looking in the refrigerator and cupboards.  "There's eggs, and... I guess there's eggs."

     "I'll have some toast," I said.

     "You've got to eat better than that, Molly," he told me.

     "Nathaniel, what good is it going to do to stick something in my stomach that isn't going to stay there?  You can pour me a glass of milk to go with my toast if it'll make you happy."

     "I will have eggs," Lucy said. "Scrambled," she told him, knowing that was the only way Nate knew how to cook them.  Nate could cook three things well; scrambled eggs, toast, and venison stew. He made eggs for himself and Lucy, and toast for me.

     "Molly doesn't think you should go home, Lucy," he told her.  "I don't think you should either, but I'm gonna be honest here.  I don't know how we'll fit you in this little place once the baby comes. I don't understand why you're shutting Denny out. He loves you, Lucy."

     "I know he does, Nate.  That's the trouble.  Denny's too good for me."

     "Nonsense," I told my sister.

     "Lucy, listen to me," Nate said.  "Whatever happened with your dad, it wasn't your fault. Not this time, not any other time. A real man would not hurt his child."

     "Thank you," Lucy said. "But I'm not really a child anymore, and I can't say I'm innocent. I am grateful to both of you, though. Just so you know, Nate, it wasn't only my daddy letting into me this time. He and Larry ganged up on me."

     Lucy started to shake.

     "Nathaniel," I said.

     "It's okay, Molly, she said. I'm okay.  Don't worry. I'll figure something out before the baby is born, in the meantime, I appreciate the roof."