by Serina Matteson
Member since:
December 20, 2005

SADNESS, PAIN, AND POVERTY

December 28, 2006 05:43 PM EST
views: 127 | comments: 30

SADNESS, PAIN, AND POVERTY

 

It is warm and toasty in my house today. I feel so chilly on the inside though. A chill I cannot shake. I suffer the familiar chill when melancholy taps into my soul. I do not know why but I am sad again. It hurts. I try to analyze it, my mind bombards me with hundreds of questions, and I am once again left confused and angry.

 

I feel that there is something significant in my life waiting for me other than staying sane. I have majestic hopes that guide my days but end up being nothing more than a desire and intention in my heart not carried out. Then the morose feelings I carry intensify because not only have I failed myself but others. In so many instances, I have come to face the fact that my dreams are just that. My dreams will remain unfulfilled. My life consists of a continfileId:3096224743990560;size:inter;ual story of shattered ideas.fileId:3096224743990539;size:inter;

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The hopeless feelings inside grow unbearable. The quilt rips at my heart. I want to bleed the disease from within me. I hurt myself so know one else can. They have a right to because I have let the world down. Another day I beg God to give me the strength not to do it. I feel his comfort and I will not act as I have before.

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Then I see the pictures of real pain. The forgotten, hungry, and the poor. I feel so much hate for myself now. The disgust I have for myself rolls up my throat. I may be poor in this country but I do not know poverty. I have never known hunger. I look at their eyes in these pictures and I see pain. I cannot stop the tears now. I know there is some way I can help. I must find it.

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Comments: 30

Raoul Duke II Dec 28, 2006, 5:55pm EST
..............very nice.
Martha Jette, Author/Editor Dec 28, 2006, 5:59pm EST
Dear, dear Serina, there are millions of people much worse off than we could even begin to imagine. Focussing on those less fortunate really does make our problems seem so insignificant. I'm happy you realize that. However, taking positive action to help others, even in the smallest way can help your spirit soar out of the pit you believe you are in right now. Have you considered perhaps volunteering in your community? It would give you something to focus on and help you feel better about yourself.
Serina Matteson Dec 28, 2006, 6:19pm EST
Thank you Raoul, Martha, and Liz. I have thought often about volunteering but never went through with it. But today something made me realize that it is the answer to ending the despair. I have often thought I have nothing to give. But I realize there is something inside me still left that I can give others much less fortunate than me. Thank you for your comments.
Aileen F. Dec 28, 2006, 6:23pm EST
Don't hate yourself, hate the thoughts. If you can find somewhere to volunteer it might be good. On the other hand, it might be draining enough to set off moods. I am a quilter and make quilts for charity, or for people who have lost loved ones. It fills a need, yet it keeps me from draining what energy I have to spare. It helps me keep my balance better.
Randy- Being true to myself Dec 28, 2006, 6:40pm EST
Serina, this is sad, but remember we can always find a way to help those who are less fortunate than us.
Spencer T. Dec 28, 2006, 6:42pm EST
Ruthlessly honest and touching the soul.
Tonia, who hugs trees G. Dec 28, 2006, 7:01pm EST
Serina - I understand your feelings of despair having flirted with them myself. I have found that action is the only solution, even it is the smallest thing. The advice to volunteer that has been suggested in the comments here is excellent. Get outside yourself however you are able.
Janet H. Dec 28, 2006, 7:27pm EST
Serina, don't be too hard on yourself. We are often our own worst critic, judging ourselves more harshly than anyone else would. Look for, appreciate, and expand on all your good qualities. Enjoy your successes. Pamper yourself. And, yes, reach out and help others through volunteering and you will be rewarded many times over. You will feel good about helping and will most likely make some very good friends who are caring and compassionate people. Also, if you are not currently taking an antidepressant or other medication to help you, perhaps some might help. You can ask your doctor about it.
Debbie H. Dec 28, 2006, 7:31pm EST
Serina~ Everyone here is right on with doing something like volunteering!!! There are many young children in this world today suffering with the same pain...you would have much to offer....As far as dreams being unfullfilled, that simply is not true....you simply have not found the opportunity yet!!! Many people do not find happiness with their dreams until much later in life....You are such a nice friend...your stories touch many and at times bring laughter...you give much of yourself without realizing....keep trying to push forward...something will have to give sooner or later!!!
Lydia O. Dec 28, 2006, 7:52pm EST
Serina, you need some older role models, honey. :) Everybody doesn't find their way at the same pace, or get to where they're going at the same time, and anyone who tells you they do is lying.

It's the time of the year when we look at our dreams and re-evaluate--and it's real easy to look at the things that haven't come true and say, "My dreams will never come true". Try, instead, thinking about if those are still your dreams. You've grown and changed. Probably your dreams have too.

There is nothing out there saying you can't dream a new dream. And nobody but you can say if your dreams have come true or not, or how. I see you as a success--you have two children who love you, you have people who care what happens to you, you have writing talent...but then, what do I know? :)
julian 'blighted karma' three Dec 28, 2006, 8:19pm EST
What a raw, powerfully emotional piece! It took courage to express it all, and the photos added a bruising, visceral impact. And so much good advice from all these compassionate people who care for you! It says a lot about you, that so many people care!
And : Even if you can only help ONE person - visit ONE nursing home, or ONE forgotten shut in, or whatever - remember that every change in the world happens one heart at a time.
wishing you all the best - j
Terry S. Dec 28, 2006, 10:46pm EST
Aileen said it well
Jennifer F. Dec 28, 2006, 10:49pm EST
The photos were hard to look at but I bet your emotions are hard to feel right now. I'm sorry Serina. The holiday season is difficult for many people. I hope that you feel better soon. We are here for you!
ghostie g. Dec 28, 2006, 11:30pm EST
My Lord, Serena, I recognize this. Feeling responsible for everyone on the planet, believing I am worthless because I cannot help them all... When anyone hurts, we hurt. It is beyond understanding of people who do not suffer this. It is wonderful that you are sharing in such an effective way. Do not blame yourself, I know it is easy to say and nearly impossible to do, but, Serena, you deserve what you have and more. I want every child to have food, education, play, pleasure, but I cannot provide for everyone on earth. And I feel hopeless because of it. The mania causes us to feel like we can save the world, and when we fall into the depression we hate ourselves because we couldn't do it. No one can do it alone. The most important thing I have learned over the years is that I am not omnipotent, not even when I feel as if I am. I will never be the ruler of the world, no matter how it feels when I feel good. We are all just people, - - - you, too - - - and that is exactly what we are supposed to be. Happy New Year, dear friend, I hope you are out of the doldrums soon. Don't hurt yourself. The world is what it is. If you can make even a small dent in it - through your writing, perhaps - you have done well.
Serina Matteson Dec 29, 2006, 1:57am EST
Thank you all for you most caring and compassionate words. You advise is what I needed to here a gave me that gentle nudege I needed in the right direction.GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

Ghostie, man you really hit the nail on the head.
♯ ♪ Dec 29, 2006, 9:32am EST
Serina, very moving. Every time I think things couldn't be worse for me, I see someone else is in worse straits and it makes me appreciate everything I have.
Μόףףý ● ķ ~ Dec 29, 2006, 10:24am EST
Wow Serina.
Amazing, Serina. You're obviously on a downswing with your illness. I'm not being mean by saying that, I just understood how you felt. I was having a bad menopause day recently and spent about 4 hours crying over things I had no control over. I'm not being facetious with you or downplaying your pain, I just felt what you were feeling.
Serina Matteson Dec 29, 2006, 11:59am EST
Ina, I know you weren't. Yesterday was horrible for me. And when I think about menapause coming around the corner it scares the living hell out of me. I don't know if my illness can incorporate any more unbalanced hormones/chemicals. You know what I mean. I'm just like a rollercoaster though. Today I'm flying high again but in some pain. Runnin a fever of 101. Probably have the flu. Just enough to get me going. Oh well, he is a toast to sanity.

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John S. (arizona) Dec 29, 2006, 12:14pm EST
Boy, that is a strong article. Not too much more I can say than the comments above did. In fact, they got me thinking about my own situation....
God bless Serina.
Rich Sadowsky Dec 29, 2006, 12:44pm EST
Please don't hate yourself. You are gifted in many ways, and you care about people. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by things last night and had a pretty serious anxiety attack. We are all human. Each of us with stregths and weaknesses. Alone, none of us can right all wrongs. Together, we can make progress one day at a time.
(((((Serina))))))
Sweetie, you have so MUCH to give, and you are such a wonderful person! I do know how you're feeling though and if I wasn't allergic to every antidepressant in the PDR, I'd be taking them. I also have panic attacks and Mark is bipolar and has panic attacks as well, as being a severe asthmatic. We get out, whether we feel like it or not and volunteer once a week, one day at two places, only because those places in our town needed us on the same day. It helps and you'll meet a lot of people that will look to you for their days smile. And you'll be the one who'll give it to them.

Love ya,

Marilyn
Carol Voigts Dec 29, 2006, 11:09pm EST
Give gifts of camels, cattle, sheep, vetinarian kits and bikes to OXFAM every chance you get. I've been giving everybody an OXFAM present all this year. And then volunteer regularly somewhere that strikes your fancy. In Michigan churches have a great program called Kids Hope where one goes in 1 hour a day to help a 1st or 2nd grader to tutor and mentor.
Stephen Schneider Dec 31, 2006, 8:14pm EST
Nice piece Serina, volunteering is one of my plans for the coming year to change my focus from myself.
Dawn M Jan 3, 2007, 11:09pm EST
Great piece Serina. Sure wish I could be there to offer you a {{{{{hug}}}}}. So sorry to hear that you're on a down swing at the moment and battling the flu or something. That alone is enough to make you feel down and miserable.
Serina there is no way that any of us can save the world, or rescue all those who suffer, but even doing things one step at a time can make a difference. Reaching out to just one person, or family or helping anyone in need, might be just what you need. I know I find that it helps to get out and away from the house and do something....anything. Even just going to the mall or the coffee shop can help me get out of a down mood. Follow your heart and do something for yourself Serina. You are a very special and caring person, and you can do whatever you need to do.
June M Jan 5, 2007, 2:43pm EST
Serina, Dear Dear Serina. I don't know how I missed this but I did. I think today you are in that lonesome, worthless feeling, mood. (It was something you wrote elsewhere.) I wish I could tell you to cheer up it will get better, but I can't. All I can do is endorse that you have friends here. Friends to share with, friends to cry with, friends to help you back on your feet when you feel your whole world falling in.



These feelings probably have something to do with your kids going back to school.
That always leaves a void when our kids aren't around. But imagine how they would feel if they knew YOU were no longer there. You give them stability and peace of mind just knowing you are always there. That is a major purpose, Serina, your kids. Keep them in mind at all times.


I love you, Serina, you have a lot of talent left in you. You are funny, impetuous, and a joy to be around. Hang in there, kid, we are here for you!
Shelly W. Jan 6, 2007, 10:47am EST
Pain comes in all forms to all people in some way, we all have our own fears and phobias,it is a constant battle between the angel and the devil in thought.I myself suffer with anxiety, social, and agoraphobia, the highs and lows of life in one's own thoughts.Have hope and faith that you are here for a reason, you are a deep and loving person with much to do, and much to say.I like your honesty, and the truth on how you feel, many people have problems expressing themselves in the simplest ways, so don't sell yourself short, and look at the positives of what you have done and accomplished, from just being you.Shelly
Julie L. Jan 21, 2007, 7:01am EST
Hey sis I missed this when it was new. My only excuse is Chris was home and I was spending very little time online because he was leaving on the 30th. This is very powerful. Very touching also. Please don't beat yourself up over things you can not control. You have enough to worry about without adding the rest of the world to your worries. I know you wish you could change things, I think we all wish that. The only advice I can give is use what you have for the betterment of society. You have and extremely amazing talent for writing about mental illness, you could use that talent to spread the word about mental illnesses and ways to get help. I love ya sis.
Erica Hidvegi Dec 18, 2008, 7:17pm EST
Brutal integrity shines in this ! Well done . . .

how I eased my suffering when realizing
Holiday Awareness of Relationships
amy r. Sep 13, 2009, 11:26pm EDT
When my thoughts ramble and I feel horrible about the state of the world, I find a way I can make it better, some small contribution. I don't have much, but in other parts of the world, they are really starving and sick and poor and unfortunate. I try to find ways to help at home even if its gathering canned goods or giving old clothes to a kid you know needs it. Anytime I see kids come over here that look tattered and don't have nice stuff, I find things to give. Often kids don't have parents that really look after them, so its a nice gesture to invite them over and share dinner. Its the little things that help people and make you feel great right at home!

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