A Smack Upside the Head

Erich Fromm wrote that: "The first condition for more than mediocre achievement in any field, including that of the art of living, is to will one thing. To will one thing presupposes having made a decision, having committed oneself to one goal. It means that the whole person is geared and devoted to the one thing he has decided on, that all his energies flow in the direction of this chosen goal.” 

What does that mean for people like me: scatterbrains, who have a difficult time focusing on any one area; any one goal? I wish I could argue the truth of the statement, but honestly, at the moment, I’m thinking that my life demonstrates it rather well. I was, once, a Child & Youth Worker. I loved it, I focused on it, and I was damned good at it. That was my one thing, my passion, my “chosen goal.” I loved being able to make a difference in the lives of children. I loved being able – not always, but enough – to help them move beyond the circumstances that caused them so much pain, towards being happy, productive and functional members of society. I especially loved being able to find strengths in even the most troubled, acting out hellions – and not only being able to find them, but to show them to the child, to give them something they could build on; to help them to feel worthwhile, talented – to give them hope.  But then I had a car accident, a head on collision at 100 km/hour – and suddenly I could not do the work – the hands on part – at all, never mind well.  

After four years of recovery; of pain, of physio, of proving my prognosis wrong – I was able to return to work – but not with children. A Child and Youth Worker needs to be able to physically intervene in altercations, to play, and to occasionally chase after runaways – and while I’d come much further than ‘they’ said I ever would, the physical demands were too great. And so I moved to the adult mental health system. It was not the same as working with children. It was not my passion. Working with adults drained me in a way the kids never had, and I burned out. Completely and utterly burned out. There was so little of ‘me’ left I don’t know quite how I found the strength to chuck it and go back to school. But I did.

The problem, of course, is that when I made the decision to go back to school, I was not in a great place. I made that decision not based on my passion. I gave no consideration, really, to that. I decided to become a computer programmer because it was a course that was available locally, and because at that time, I wanted nothing to do with people. Computers don’t call you up in the middle of the night and threaten to kill themselves if you don’t come up with just the right things to say. Computers don’t have feelings. They only know 2 things. 1 and 0. True and false. It’s right, or it’s wrong. No middle ground. No grey. And so I became a geek. Guess what? I loved going back to school. I loved learning. But I really really really hate programming. I can program. I can fix computers. I got great marks. But I only ever really loved what I was learning. Once I had learned it, I didn’t want to do it any more.  Many people in my program found one area of working with computers which they loved. They chose an area to specialize in: programming in a particular language; networking…whatever. Me, while, if I had to pick, I’d choose database – I never did find a passion for any one area.

So – those that can, do; those that can’t, teach. That would be me. I was given an opportunity to teach at the same college at which I was still, at the time, a student. Very strange, that – to be teaching as my work placement – and not only that, to be teaching a group of post grad students who would graduate before me! But I did it, and I loved it, and I’ve been there ever since.

I still teach – computer applications – and I do love it. The problem I have though, is that while I love the teaching itself, I do not love the content of the subjects that I am paid to teach. I have not specialized in any particular area of computers. I have not gone out and worked as a programmer, nor have I been particularly motivated to continue my education in programming. I do keep ahead of the technologies that I am paid to teach. I do fix computers for people on a part time basis. But I am not particularly passionate about the subjects that I teach, and I’m sure that it shows.  I also, of course, don’t have any real areas of specialization – which does little to recommend me for any sort of full time position.  I did try to get into the new Child and Youth Worker program that started this year. I would love to teach CYWs! But no such luck – the college knows me as a geek; my CYW experience is long ago, and they didn’t want me.

The other issue is that now that our college has a number of university programs offered through it, the desire to hire only those faculty who have a university degree is stronger than ever – since I don’t, I am not likely to get an offer of full time work – or even regular part time. Those of us who do not have degrees are offered the leftovers. I do not particularly care for leftovers – especially when, sometimes, those leftovers are not even in subjects that I feel particularly confident (although so far, I’ve always managed to pull it off.) And so, with the support of my partner, I began to work towards a degree.  Again choosing from the limited scope of what is available locally, I ended up in English Literature – not really my passion, but I do love to write, so….

When I started, I viewed the whole university thing as just another, bigger hoop that I had to jump through in order to be considered more valuable at the college. But I’m loving it! I’m still teaching, and fixing computers, and caregiving, and being a mom – but now I’m also carrying a full load of university courses. I’ll be finished my BA by the end of summer 2007 – and it looks like I will be going on to do the honours year, and maybe even a Master’s. Some of my professors have started talking about ‘my’ doctorate as well…. Huh? I told my husband about one such conversation and he supports that too…. Huh?  They – my profs, and my husband – think that I could do a Ph.d? And that I am a strong enough writer that I could – should – be published? Yikes!

Me? I love to write….but I have little of value to write about. I love to teach….but I don’t feel passionate about the subjects I teach. I like to muck about with computers….but I haven’t found an area in which to specialize. I like to have a million things on the go – and I am inclined to not necessarily finish them (unless there is a due date and a mark associated with them). I know that I should be working on my young adult novel this week. I haven’t made much progress with it. I know that if I’m going to enter a story in the Toronto Star short story contest, I have to finish one by the 31^st. I haven’t made much progress with it. I know that my customer would like their computer back – the one that is sitting on my workbench waiting for me to find a NIC to stick in it so that I can do the updates – I haven’t made much progress with it.

I am lacking that focus that Fromm (and Shawn Michel de Montaigne, in his article, Of Greatness, & of Bestness, which is what triggered this whole piece) spoke about. I do manage to focus, when the semester is underway, and I have to, or suffer the consequences in my grades and in my performance as a teacher. But give me time off and my brain turns to mush and I am quite content to muck about on gather, play Solitaire on Neopets, and chat with my kid, my sister-in-law, whoever happens to be online…on MSN Messenger.

So – am I destined to be neither the best, or great? Destined for mediocrity even though I know – and hell, even people around me, know – that I do have some potential, if only I could focus? Am I still sulking, 13 years after the fact, that I can no longer be a Child and Youth Worker? Oy! What a loser!

I have the financial and emotional support of a wonderful partner. I have connections who want to help me to get published. I have professors who want to help me – to get published, and to go as far as I want to go in university and then some. And I am sitting here playing Neopets?  I need a smack upside the head. Oh wait….I got one of those….thanks Shawn…I think I needed that.

So – onward… but that, I think, will be another article. Which I will write after I make my story long enough to go into the short story contest, and write a chapter or two of my novel. Because you know what? Both of those are related to Child and Youth Work – my passion. And suddenly, I feel motivated.