why is it that the light only shines on some of us? I feel as if Im in an abyss of shadows. as much as I try to look beyond-i see nothing, but i feel that life can be so different. it can be joyious and everything that Ive been working so hard towards.
Why is it that only a little affection and praise come this way. The dark entities are chasing me down, and Im barely surviving. Ive got to get ahead, ive got to get my kids from this wreched hole.
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Hang in there. It does get better. PM if you need an ear. I'm here. You don't have to feel alone.
about the affection coming your way, i think most of us , including me big time, don't realize the blue bird of happiness is in your back yard!
In my own life I cannot tell you how many times I have walked in the shoes you are in, wondering when the light or at the very least, peace, would come to me. There have been numerous times in my life when tragedy struck so hard it knocked me to my knees, or constant problems kept hurling themselves in my direction I was so exhausted I wanted to give up. I never did, but the desire to do so nagged at me. There have been times when I wondered why I was the poster child for grief and loss, problems. I wondered why some friends seemed untouched by life's pains, while I wound up getting most of their shares and then some. I wondered what I had done wrong Karmically and in a past life. I have since learned that these were lessons for me, and true gifts I use all the time. In pain I found knowledge. I have never been stronger and yet, never lost my ability to love, forgive, and accept. Despite my problems and my hurts, I have no regrets.
12 years ago I went through such a time; I separated from my husband, with whom I had been married for 10 years, sold our house and relocated an hour from NYC (where I am from) and gasp, now had to drive to work (which was initially great fun but now is annoying - but I am older) and was starting a new job. I was going along well enough (but still redefining myself as a separated woman) when I had to have female surgery, my 6th. After I returned to work there were weird vibes there - bad energy, actually - and people were acting strangely towards me even though they denied it upon confrontation. I knew they were lying. I had sensed the bad energy before I left when we were asked to assess our work and performance, but thought the stress in my life was prompting me to feel that way and I set it aside. The place where I worked - a University - was having financial issues and we had to justify our positions. It was the first time I feared for my job, something I had never done before. When I returned to work after my surgery the vibes I had turned out to be true...I was called into my boss's office and told I was going to be let go. I was distraught. I had only my income to count on. That day I went home and sobbed, chained smoked throughout the night and returned the next morning, my head held high. The Phoenix reborn.
At work people tried to ignore me, but I forced them to say hello at the elevator, including those who were part of my being let go. I forced them to look at me as a person and not avoid my eyes - they needed to see my humanity. I stayed away from the others who were also let go because of this budget crisis because they were impossibly negative and toxic for me. I didn't want to be a part of the fray and complain outside on the street, so I decided to carry on as always, business as usual. One of the big wigs was so impressed by my strength he helped me get interviews at one of our colleges. I told him what was going on in my life and thanked him for believing in me all those years (18), and for giving me chances I never dreamed I would receive. I told him I wasn't going to give him a hard time, but I did need a job. Of the people who were let go June 1995, I was kept on through to the end of September; was off from work one month, and started a new job that October 30th, at the college where I am currently employed.
It was the best thing that happened to me.
Since that time life has dramatically changed. I reinvented myself professionally and am quite successful where I work. When I was working with my lawyer on my divorce years ago, I was able to get everything I wanted from my ex, especially things that were mine he wanted to claim as his. 6 years ago I met my second husband on line and we married a few months later. My friends and family thought I lost my mind, but I knew I met my soul mate. I have never been happier, nor has he.
Do I have problems? Sure. Everyone does. But there is peace in me these days that I never possessed before. I learned not to invest myself in negative energy, negative and toxic people(I let go of a lot of these people, as well). I learned to make myself my priority for a change. In the trauma of that time years ago, I found my voice, my deepest strength and my inner Goddess.
Believe, Amy - believe. The light is within you and it will come.
Another thing I hear in your words is the struggle of someone who wants better from the world. Of course, this is a wonderful thing - ambition and longing make us take stock of ourselves and then strive harder toward our goals. Complacency stagnates and we do not grow.
I wish you the best of luck and do keep reaching for higher ambitions.
Here's a click and another 10 towards your next cash-out.