A Christmas without You.

I had a great holiday.  But there were parts of it that went missing.  I know that I may not have seen you today or that I might have.  I just know that this will be the first Christmas where I will no longer have the ability to tell you Merry Christmas personally.  It will be the first Christmas where I hear the space or the pause of my loved one's heartbeat.  The place where you were and now where you remain to be always.  The first Christmas where in the midst of all the festivity I will draw a sharp breath, let out a long sigh, and know...for sure....that though it will be alright....it will never be ok...again.

So for what it is worth....Merry Christmas to my two adopted brothers. 

Darryn...I thank the Lord for relieving your pain.  I remember our last phone conversation.  You knew and I didn't.  You did not want to hang up and I did not either.  You told me I was a good girl.  You told me you loved me.  I told you back.....but not like I should have told you.  You knew it would be the last time.  I felt a heaviness in it but I did not know.  And sometime I am angry at you for that.  Because my last 'I love you' was the everyday kind.  I loved you every day.  You protected us.  You took care of us.  You loved us.....even if you had a funny way to show it.  And we got mad with you sometimes for it.  The last time I told you I loved you....how could you know what your care, your songs, your guitar, your air kisses, your belief in me meant to me.  Meant to Doll.  Who will ever ask me to sing again? Who will make mama smile?  Cancer sucks.  And I miss you terribly.

John....How can I understand what happened to you?  I will never, ever, ever know what could have been so terrible that made you put a gun to your head.  How could you leave us behind?  I realize that you were never home past high school....but yet you were always there.  Nothing, nothing broke my heart more than to see you in a box unsmiling.  I have never known you not to smile....but evidently there was something else going on behind the bright smile to make you turn out that light.  And we will never know.  I am left with more questions than answers.....and mom is strong....but she has her days.  And Pam is strong and yet she is plagued with that patch of sadness that won't ever heal.  But I am glad that what ever it was that you felt you could not share with us that was so bad that you took your life, will burden you no more.  I miss your big beautiful smile, I miss the Judy/Trudy drama, I miss seeing you in your uniform, I miss that when you come to town how mom would get so excited and buy tons of ice cream sandwiches.....and lactaid.  I am glad you were buried with a box.  Miss you John.  I am mad at you.  But I miss you more. 

Angel.....how could someone steal your life?  And leave so many missing you?  Your precious daughters....your tough as nails wife.  I remember the day.  I was getting dressed for work and I watched the news....I watch a story of a double murder.  Something I choose to avoid.  I remember feeling like I swallowed a stone but I did not know why.  I remember the call to Lan.  Have you seen him, he would never do that, that's not like him......and the terrible sinking feeling that accompanied each call.  The knowing without knowing.  And then the final call.  And the scream.  And then realizing the tears would not stop, could not stop, and I had to work through them for the sake of Lan.  The upsetment to know that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And lastly being thankful that we had that dance the prior November.  One bachata.  'No Puede Quitarte Las Espinas"  and I can't.

So Merry Christmas to the wind, to the place where you once were, and perhaps will always be Darryn and John.  And a thank you for a dance, Angel. 

Come back to us soon....if only in our Christmas dreams.