I should be happy, it is Christmas, I tell myself every year but the truth of the matter is since my grandmother’s passing in 1981, I have lost the true spirit of Christmas. This is not something I am boasting about. I should be happy but I am not.
This article really was not one I intended to write but I have to get it off my chest. When I write it is cathartic for me, it heals my tormented soul.
Ten years ago I completed my master’s degree in counseling psychology and I was so full of hope. I thought success would follow but it didn’t. I was a single mother who was one step away from welfare and I couldn’t wait around for my dream job to come. I had rent to pay and the landlord was not interested in dreams, he was interested in money.
I took telemarketing and then customer service jobs just to pay the bills. I wasn’t happy but at least I had a roof over my head and the bills were paid. I said that I would only do it for awhile and I would gradually find a job in my field before it was too late. Some how I lost focus on my dream and I lost track of time and then it was too late.
I stayed in customer service way too long and the irony of it all was that I began to hate it. The money was not as important as my mental health. To make matters worse, I got physically ill as well. I became diabetic, arthritic to the point that I could hardly walk and I contracted several other physical conditions which happened to be stressed related.
The only thing that kept me going for awhile was the fact that I published my first book, Picking up the Pieces: A Woman’s Journey in 1984. I worked as a customer service rep during the day and wrote at night. I began to identify myself as a writer and distancing myself from my actual day work. I lost my dream to work as a counselor figuring I had stayed out of the field way too long.
After three leave of absences from work, I had no choice but to quit the customer service job. My health deteriorated to the point that I could not physically do it anymore. I have not worked since February 2005.
While I was on sick leave I did write another manuscript Angels Watching Over Me. I also publish a very successful newsletter and I am a columnist for several magazines. My work has been published all over the Internet, in magazines and anthologies.
I do love writing and I would hope that one day it will bring in enough income so that I would never have to find a day job again. I am a freelance writer; this is who I am. This is my dream now.
In March I went to school to brush up on my French so that I could re-enter the work force and then I took a job search workshop. When it was time to decide which field I wanted, I was torn between my former dream and my new one. I wanted both. I wanted to counsel and I wanted to write.
It is now Christmas and I still do not have a day job. I have no money and I will probably be forced to go back to customer service. The thought of that makes me ill just thinking about it, but I have to make a living. My Christmas is far from a happy one.
Today I stared success in the face and I realized what a failure I am. I met a former classmate. We interned together in the same hospital. In the last ten years he worked for a few places as a counselor went back to school for more training and now has opened his own private practice.
I don’t know if he could see how sad I was. I wanted to cry. He asked me what I did for a living, and I know he expected me to say that I worked somewhere as a counselor, I made up a lie about working in a hospital and then told him I was off on sick leave. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I didn’t want to be reminded of what could have been for me.
I left him and posted two affidavits for Fate Magazine. They bought two of my stories. Dovetail Magazine also bought one of my stories this week. I should be happy but I am not.
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Comments: 83
Ya know, your friend mightn't be happy either. Successfullness doesn't necessarily equal happiness. But I understand how hard it can be to take in that someone else got what you were very much seeking after. It's just a little push, maybe for you to think in other directions/ways and figure out what's going on.
You're such a help to me personally, Carol, that I hope this helps you just a wee bit. I hope you get happiness out of the things you do for people online, even if the pay sucks.
Love you, and I wish you contentment the rest of the year..and beyond :)
I don't know if he could see how sad I was. I wanted to cry. He asked me what I did for a living, and I know he expected me to say that I worked somewhere as a counselor, I made up a lie about working in a hospital and then told him I was off on sick leave. I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I didn't want to be reminded of what could have been for me. >>>>>>>>>>>>>
DONT EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT.
You are no where near a failure. LOOK AT ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED!!
I can see so many things in this brief summary it isnt even funny.
LET YOURSELF BE HAPPY.
I know how easy it is to get into a certain mindset, do not let yourself go there.
If you have to go back into customer service find something "peak time" with higher pay for part time work. Leave writing open at least 50% of your time.
You have inspired me so many times with your articles & newsletters. You have made a difference Carol in my attitude SO MANY DAYS THIS YEAR. I am sure you have for many other Gather members as well.
I have to work I will be forced to take customer service again, and I have been trying so desperatly to get away from,
what |I like is counselling and writing, can't find counselling and writing is not a full time salary that can pay my bills daily.
I dont care if my classmate is happy he has what would have made me happy its not about him its about me, it certainly helped that he was 15 years younger than me and did have a wife that supported him while he looked for work, I had none of that,
I can sympathsize with running into your classmate. Just let it go. I don't think age is a factor for you. Many employers look for experience. I thought my age would be a factor when I applied for my current job. Many other applicants were younger, and the boss is much younger. Turns out, he was looking for someone more mature with a proven work ethic.
Being unemployed can be one of the worst experiences. E-mail me if you need to talk. I wish you peace and a worry-free holiday.
Don't get depressed. Depression never helps. Last Christmas was the lowest Christmas in my life. I had nothing. I know the feeling of wanting to crawl anywhere but where my relatives were. I had NO job, no money of any kind coming in, and couldn't buy one single gift. I didn't have gather friends either.
We may not be able to brighten your Christmas morning, by beating your door down, but we have one thing in common, A GATHER FRIENDSHIP.
I know that doesn't pay the bills, and there's nothing that can change that, but you've got friends to turn to who are good listeners. I hope this helps in some small way to make your Christmas a little brighter.
Success comes in all forms, yes money,the basic needs and not to worry about finances,but I am a true believer, in what you send out comes back.Have more faith.
HUGS!
I believe what you have poured out in words to us for cathartic reasons is an example of true courage. I also believe the pain, disheartenment and lack of enthusiasm you have experienced is an area of suffering that should understandable from the hearts of people who have had other types of tolls on them.
It's not easy to pull oneself out of all of these dilemmas when there is 'nothing at the moment' to show that things are going to change.
Saying to you, 'Oh, just cheer up' is like saying to one who has cancer "oh just tell the cancer to go away and it will.' I understand that cancer is physical and what you're going through is emotional but the emotions must be dealt with, too. You have experienced devastation. . . not just a momentary slap. Cancer changes peoples' lives. . . so do other devastations!!!
You are and have been in situations that have taken a psychological toll on you. It happens to counselors, too!
It does not take away from who you really are or the accomplishments you have made BUT you're going through circumstances that within their very nature are going to try to pummel you.
It is not an easy thing to be without money. It's painful It takes its toll on one's self-esteem. It's not easy, either, to run into someone who has the things that we are without especially when it comes to employment, money etc.
I think something did happen to you after you lost your grandmother. You and she were very close. Holidays have a way of revealing to us what is near and dear to our hearts. You do have problems right now, serious ones, involving lack of employment and health issues that must be addressed but because you have these problems does NOT mean that you cannot get back into couseling. If that is your love and a door opens down the lane (and I will be praying for you that it will) then you will be ready with your degree and the suffering you are going through will have done a work in you that will make you an even better counselor.
**I would like to interject an idea here. You may have already done this but if you haven't, frame all of your certificates and diplomas in regard to your education and other accomplishments. Put them up on your wall as a Christmas gift to yourself!!! A representation of what you HAVE ACCOMPLISHED and has helped to mold you into the person you are today.
I think gautami and April have inspiring thoughts. gautami's honesty about her own unhappiness will register with you in the time frame it's supposed to and how gracious of her to share that. I admire her for having done so. April's thoughtful words are very worthy of remembrance. She is right!! You do make a difference in our lives. I know that you are a very important Gather member.
I thank you for pouring out your heart regarding this very personal issue. It is a very revealing picture of one who wants to do the right thing. You want to work, you want to give and somehow down the road, that will be honored.
I find, Carol, that when we can't believe for ourselves (and it's hard at times), it's our friends' duties to believe for us. You have many here and I am going to remember you, pray for you and rejoice with you when the door opens. God Bless You and Comfort You in a very special way.
Consider that a huge percentage of your depression and negativity towards life is caused by your physical condition. I was 150 pounds overweight. I was taking four shots of insulin daily, without it really controlling my bgs. I had just had eye surgery for diabetic cataracts; my toes were curling from neuropathy. I had arthritis in my back, knees, hips, making it nearly impossible for me to walk. Just getting out of bed in the morning was a major ordeal. cleaning myself was problematic. Breathing hurt. I was employed (and still am) in a job for which I am massively overqualified and which is just incredibly boring. (It does have some rewards, but not meaningful work or good pay.)
When I had gastric bypass surgery, and lost 110 pounds, my entire attitude changed. For one thing, my diabetes went away. For another thing, I could actually move without pain. I could get up and do things, things that I could not even consider previously. That led me to really examine what I wanted to do with my life. All I could come up with was that I wanted to be more creative, so I enrolled in a certificate program for electronic graphic design. I could NOT have done that earlier, because I would not have had the strength or stamina to make it to class. Taking that class allowed me to get out of the house and meet new people, make new friends -- with whom I could socialize, because now I could actually walk down the street, take the train, etc. It opened up all kinds of career possibilities for me. It earned me some extra money. It resulted in my getting a raise at work.
So what I'm trying to say is, taking care of my physical problems had an enormous positive impact on my mood and my life and my outlook, in ways that I would not have necessarily predicted.
I don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but just let me suggest that your physical problems are within your ability to address and doing so would have a positive ripple effect throughout your life.
Firstly, please permit me to extend my empathies toward you. I know what it's like, and I think everyone knows what it's like, to feel stuck and in a rut and disappointed and just plain . .. stuck. It's awful to feel as though one's potential life is just out of reach, especially when it's a dream invested in and worked toward. I too have had the experience of feeling like a failure when I met someone who is doing everything I always thought I would do . . . it had nothing to do with envying that other person, but rather with seeing what I myself might have been . . . if only. If, if , if. You can drive yourself crazy with "if".
What I do, when I am stuck like this, is to look at my life and see what is actually within my control. Sometimes it's not much. It's especially hard when one of the barriers to achievement is a health-related issue . . . seemingly undiagnosable or incurable health problems have haunted me lifelong and have disabled me on several occasions. Anyway, when things seem very bleak, I just ask myself what I can do today, right now, in this moment, to make my life better. Sometimes I get an answer. Sometimes the answer is simply to keep asking the question. Just asking the question admits possibility into my life, and it seems to help.
The road ahead for you might be something you never dreamed of. I think that's one of the hardest things about investing in a dream . . . we become so attached to that dream that we do not see other opportunities or paths opening in front of us. The investment is good for its own sake -- dedication and love of what we do helps us to grow and expand. But when disappointment puts blinders on us, we cease to see what we might be, I think. No work is ever lost; no progress is ever useless. But often, I think, our dreams come true in ways we did not expect, and which we might not recognize. It's hard to be open and receptive when we are clinging to what we thought we would be, and what we thought we wanted. Generally the great world is wiser than we are, and gives us what we need. Sometimes what we need is to be stuck for a while, and to learn something from that. When I am very very stuck, I always wonder what I am supposed to be learning so that I can move on. Sometimes I am surprised at what turns up.
Merry Christmas, Carol. I love you.
three paying articles was great!
As I said, I'm not suggesting that necessarily, just noting that our physical condition can have a huge, even unimaginable impact on our mood and our attitude about life. And it IS something we can do something about, even if to only make small changes. I can only say from my own experience that being seriously overweight is a horrible, horrible experience; conversely, losing a lot of weight makes the whole world seem new. It's the body-mind connection thing.
You really should get paid for all the help you give everyone online, seems like there should be a way to set SOMETHING up.
I have been investigating that and actually waiting on one but it seems forever to get them to respond, I had the interview already but still waiting for the final go if they gave it to me that is.
You have a great gift of many concerned friends with thoughts and prayers. I pray that it helps you on your way.
We all love you and look forward to your articles. You are not a failure. I do suspect that you might be emotionally unwell. Your hopelessness mirrors almost exactly the way I have felt when I needed to get in to see my doctor.
Your financial problems seem insurmountable right now. Is there somebody you can turn to for help? If so, don't let pride stop you. The help you recieve today can be returned to somebody in need later.
God Bless You.
Please take care of yourself and know there are a lot of people concerned about you and wishing you only the very best throughout the holiday season. ((((HUGS))))
I am a freelance writer, I do write professionally but not enough to make a living out of.
I see your life is much like mine, I owe, 60.000 for my student loan which I probably never will pay back, I will be 52 in march, the years are passing me by.
If you ever want to talk personally give me a shout and I will give you my personal email address
I had to go out and renew my medicare card yesterday, it was so hard to walk, I had to sit down on somebody's steps, 6 times, I cannot walk in the winter, my back and legs get too sore.