Today's Chat with Santa

Questions for Santa Claus

The philanthropist, saint, and Christmastown CEO talks about his headquarters, Superman, his amazing workforce, and The List. 

Q: It’s been some time now since you opened your workshop at the North Pole. At the time it probably seemed like a pretty remote location, but in terms of accessibility, you must be feeling pretty exposed. Have you considered relocating? No. Actually, I didn’t chose the NP because of remoteness. The elves were here. The remote location was just a value-add. I wouldn’t say we feel exposed, but it certainly doesn’t have that “ends-of-the-earth” feeling it used to have.

So how do you remain hidden? We’ve got a fairly advanced technology arm. I’ve got a good policy team. And there’s magic involved.

Policy? So you’ve worked out treaties, then, with Canada and Russia and the United States? Well, nothing formal. There’s an understanding. I can’t really go into detail here. The elves do most of the spadework.

But how about security? The world is smaller and certainly not as benign as in bygone days. Do you get aid from your neighbor nations? Again, I can’t really delve into specifics. But back in the Thirties, you know, Superman set up his Fortress of Solitude not far from the workshop, so we feel pretty comfortable with our arrangement.

Superman? Yes. He’s a stand-up guy. The elves love him.

So he socializes with… your staff, I guess you’d call them? Oh, yes. When he’s here. I mean, it is a fortress of solitude, so he has his requisite solitary time. But usually before he heads back, he’ll swing by, take some of the elves for a spin. He can fit something like 175 elves on his back. Well, he’s Superman, he could carry goodness knows how many, but any more than that really isn’t safe for the elves. Still, it’s something to see.

It sounds like it. He’s a toy nut. He loves choo-choos, Slinkies, and Super Balls, of course. He bounced one off the moon once. I’m not exaggerating.

Since you mentioned elves, tell me about them. How many do you have? You know, I don’t really “have” elves. I don’t own them. They just work for me.

So how many work for you? All of them. Or as many as it takes.

Can you give us a ballpark figure? Well, we’re not as big as Wal-Mart, but we’re pretty big. I just set the schedule and the deliverables. The elves are responsible for the labor mix, project planning, hitting the milestones… They’ll ramp up when we have surge requirements. I pretty much leave it to them. I don’t micro-manage. No pun intended.

Has it always been such an efficient operation? No elves, no Christmas. And we’ve always had Christmas, so… Their performance metrics are consistently off the charts. You have to remember, elves are the quintessential geeks.

They sound fascinating. They are. But I really don’t know much about them. Elfindom is a pretty closed society.

Do they manage the List, as well? No. They do a little database administration, but that’s about it. The List is my responsibility.

So what’s the ratio of “naughty” to “nice?” Look, the song has it right. There are really only three rules: watch out, don’t cry, and don’t pout. If you just follow one of those, you’re okay in our book. And we have a very broad interpretation of “watch out.” A kid has to be a real sociopath to get flagged.

That sounds a bit permissive. It’s not my job to raise somebody’s kid. If there’s a discipline problem, it’s the parents’ responsibility.

But if you still give presents to a problem child, aren’t you undermining the parents’ ability to discipline? You’re got to remember, back when we started this whole thing, being a child was a pretty miserable experience. We weren’t giving presents as rewards for being good. We were trying to bring a tiny bit of light to their otherwise dark, short, wretched lives.

That sounds rather grim. How have you managed to stay jolly all these years? I do yoga. I don’t really follow current events, and I don’t watch television. And I chat a little everyday with my very good friend, Mr. Johnnie Walker. (Chuckling) Helps one take things in stride.

Your favorite Christmas movie? Oh, you’ve got to love “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” Even the credits have typos in them!