Clinton Falls in Polls on News of Lady Di Wiretap

CHAPPAQUA, New York. Political advisors to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton huddled yesterday at her home to develop a strategy for dealing with a public relations crisis--revelations that she ordered a wiretap on Princess Diana--that threatens her bid for the presidency in 2008.

"I did not wiretap that woman--Lady Di.  Hillary did."

"This is a story that could cost her votes among suburban women," said political analyst Jeremy Snow. "Lady Di has incredibly high favorable ratings among so-called 'soccer moms' because she was living their dream. She got to wear a tiara, she had an unlimited decorating budget, and she had a husband who was more interested in grouse hunting than sex."

Princess Diana:  "I can't alk-tay ow-nay because somebody's istening-lay."

The eavesdropping revelation appears in the book "The Way We Were" by Princess Diana's former butler, Paul Burrell. Clinton was apparently concerned that a wealthy New York businessman and a potential opponent in her 2000 senate race was romantically involved with the Princess and that her glamour would attract female voters. A transcript of one phone conversation has been made public by the National Security Agency, which orchestrated the wiretap.

"Another day, another stupid motorway."

Businessman: Hey beautiful.

Princess: Hullo, luv.

Businessman: How was your day?

Princess: The usual. Cut a ribbon at a new motorway. Hugged a few orphans at a charity event. Ate lunch, threw up, went shopping.

Kalb:  "I believe that if the First Lady has a UFO love child, that's legitimate news."

Hillary Clinton is generally admired by women voters, but has high "unfavorable" ratings among many swing voters who believe she ignored her husband's philandering in order to ensure her own political future. "My sense is that she enabled or even encouraged Bill Clinton to have extramarital affairs," said Marvin Kalb, former network news correspondent who is now with Harvard University's Joan Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, Public Policy. "Anything to keep stories of her UFO love child out of the major metropolitan dailies, although I saw it on the front page of the National Enquirer when I was standing in line at the grocery store once."

"Mister Leader of the Free World--We are not that kind of girl!"

Senator Clinton's husband, a master politician who was the first Democrat to be elected to consecutive terms since Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was rumored to have been involved in a series of extramarital affairs during his political career. Women whose names have been linked romantically to the 42nd president include Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and two of the original Shirelles.  He was rebuffed when he made a pass at the entire Hoxie, Arkansas High School women's volleyball team.

Juanita:  "Actually, I have to wash my burial shroud Saturday night."

The low point of Clinton's romantic escapades came during a tour of the National Geographic Museum as he examined "Juanita", a newly-discovered Incan mummy. "That is one good-looking mummy," Clinton said at the time. "If I were single, I might ask that mummy out. Heck--I'd do it now if I could get away with it." The mummy subsequently asked to be transferred to a secure room at the museum.

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman