anxiety

Tomorrow I go in to a orthotics and prosthetics place to be fitted for a patellar stabilization brace--hopefully, since it's a place that specializes, this one will work. I've had many braces over the past 8 to 10 years, and had 3 surgeries within three years and nothing really worked. My second surgery was the best, because for a little while, I was able to at least jog around the yard with my girls and ride bike with them(tho' not very far). But I could do it.  But when that one went bad, it went very bad(I've had my knee cap "pop" out of joint for some number of years; for awhile, I could put it back in place myself. But it got too bad, that's when the surgeries started--when I couldn't fix myself anymore). I was helping my boyfriend move and did some heavy lifting that I argued I shouldn't do; stupid me, I did it anyways and screwed it up for good.  I ended up in the emergency room with my ankle facing out, my knee in, and my hip out. Smooth move. So much talent wasted.

Anyways, I had my last surgery this past spring, hoping for it to be my last. It doesn't seem to have done any good(nor the physical therapy), considering it "pops" weekly, hyper-extends at will--you name it. I wish I was a strong enough person to deal with it as is, but I can't. I can't handle days in bed, off my feet. I'm not good at being told to stay in bed. I'm sick of taking Viccadin, and I abhor oxycodon and the crap that goes with it. Most times I don't bother taking anything just because all's I do is sleep! And obviously, it's hell with depression. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just when I think I got a handle on it...it goes again.

<sigh> Right now it's easier to piss and moan about my knee, then deal with my anxiety about getting fitted for a new brace. I have to take anti's for anxiety, too, otherwise I'll be beyond sick to my stomach. I've been worrying since making the appointment. Actually, since the referral for the brace.  Maybe I'll be able to take care of some of that since I see my counselor tomorrow before- hand.  It's just so many more "what if's". Just another thing to try, until I go to the U of M to see that specialist, there.  I hope that she will listen to everything. I think it's deeper than the knee, and my oldest brother and sister both have knee, hip, ankle problems, too. I don't know.

Was hoping that writing would help, not sure now. Maybe I'll just go take my anti's all and get ready to sleep....