Random Granddaughter's Terrible Table Manners

Many of my postings portray my family. The superstar of my family is my granddaughter, known online for entertainment purposes as Random Granddaughter, or RG for short.

She's probably over the hill now, having reached the ripe old age of almost three years old. The following tale was first related almost year ago, when she was almost two years old, at the peak of her powers.

We tell the terrifying tale of Random Granddaughter's Table Manners.

Through careful observation, Random has discovered the two basic rules of RG's table manners. Only two, you say?

Well, she's only a toddler. When she gets older, I am sure she will discover lots of rules, and let her beaux try and figure them out from the tiniest, most imperceptible clues. In fact, the laziest beau will say, "I don't understand you at all."

[Mr. Random has been trying to figure out Mrs. Random's rules for forty years, and as the song goes, "The closer the destination, the more you slip-slide away."]

But for now, here are RG's two rules:

   1. If it's on the floor, it's good to eat.

   2. If it's on the table, it's good to play with. (Actually, there is a third rule, also.)

   3. Food on somebody else's plate is much more appetizing than food on my plate.

Let's begin at the beginning. After birth, Random Granddaughter's first food was mother's milk. Not very complicated table etiquette involved in getting that, though she was rather impatient with snaps and buttons.

As she got a little older, RG noticed a spoon starting to approach her mouth. "INCOMING! DIVE! DUCK! DEPTH CHARGES IN SIGHT! TAKE EVASIVE ACTION!" cried Random Granddaughter.

Then Random Granddaughter took control of steering the spoon herself. "Let's see," she said. "I bet this goes into my ear very nicely. No? Hmm...let's try an eye then. Not that either, though viewing the world through porridge-colored eyeballs does give me an interesting slant on reality. I know! Let's feed Little Cat! I bet she's just yearning to try some porridge. Now, hold still, kitty. Here, I'll help you hold still."

[Fade to a new scene]

Mr and Mrs. Random are visiting. Random Granddaughter sits in her booster chair, a plate of yummy food in front of her. Mommy assured her it is yummy food. RG has her doubts about mommy's assurance. RG eats a couple of bites. Thinks. Picks up the plate. Thinks. Turns plate upside down. Says, "Look, mama. I discovered Newton's Laws of Gravitational Attraction. The table top attracts the food. Isn't that interesting?"

Mommy scrapes up the food, puts it back on the plate (right-side-up). RG picks up plate and turns it upside down. Now in one smooth motion, like a center of a basketball team grabbing a rebound and making an outlet pass it to the point guard. RG slyly looks over at Grandma and Grandpa. They are laughing themselves silly. RG smirks, very proud of herself.

Mommy says, "I guess we're done eating, aren't we? Down you go."

Indignant howl. "When did I say I was done? I was just getting started. I could play this game for hours! You never let me have any fun! Don't you speak toddler?"

[fade to a new scene]

Christmas Eve dinner. RG and mommies are visiting the Randoms. As usual, RG is playing with her food. There are so many interesting ways to combine all the different shapes and colors. In fact, with a little effort, one can make new shapes and colors.

Grandma brings out the Christmas cookies. "Look, Random Granddaughter, here's a snowflake cookie. It's got green sprinkles on top of it."

RG studies the snowflake cookie. She picks it up. Turns it this way and that, studying it. Indeed, she thinks, these green sprinkles are an interesting advance in the culinary arts.

RG starts trying to lick the sprinkles off the cookie. RG has been studying Little Cat and notices that Little Cat, not having opposable thumbs, can do clever tricks with her feline tongue. RG is ever-ready to learn, especially if the lessons come from sources other than parents and grandparents.

[A note about Big Cat and Little Cat. Despite being twice the size of any normal housecat, Big Cat is a coward. As soon as he sees RG he runs away and hides. Little Cat, despite being half the size of any normal housecat, is an adult kitty who will never get any bigger. When RG sees Little Cat, Little Cat comes up and purrs. Not only that, even though Random Granddaughter violates the Geneva Conventions about treatment of feline prisoners about every five seconds, Little Cat never scratches RG. Little Cat is a saint among kittycats. And saints are even rarer among kittycats than among Moslems, Hindus, and Buddhists. Actually, I'm not sure about Protestants. Aren't saints a Catholic thing? But Little Cat is surely a saint among kittycats. Random will have to check with the Pope about seeing if Little Cat is eligible for beatification.]

Anyway, back to RG and the Christmas snowflake cookie. RG becomes bored with trying to lick the sprinkles from her snowflake cookie. She notices Grandpa's cookie. Grandpa has a star cookie with green sprinkles.

"Star" says RG.

"That's very impressive, little Random Granddaughter," says Grandpa. "I'm awed how you that you are learning the names for shapes."

"Star. Star. Star!" says RG.

"Oh," says Grandpa. "Are you saying, you want to eat the star cookie?"

RG nods.

"But Grandpa is eating the star cookie. See?" Grandpa takes a bite. "You have a very nice snowflake cookie. You haven't even taken a bite of your snowflake cookie. Here, you take a bite of your snowflake cookie and I'll take a bite of my star cookie. We'll do it together. One...two..."

"NO!" says RG.

"Down." says RG.(She's now learned to say "down" when she spots the look on mom's face that indicates RG going to be sacked for a five yard loss if she doesn't call a "fair catch" of her own volition..) As usual, she finds grown-up logic incomprehensible and she doesn't want to play the dinner game anymore.

"RG," said Grandpa. "Just be glad that Mrs. Random is your Grandma, and not Martha Stewart. Because if Martha was your Grandma, she would have a stroke."

RG also has revolutionary ideas about nutrition. For example, she has discovered that raspberries contain all the major food group nutrients, and can sustain life for long periods of time. Vegetables, on the other hand, are one of the deadliest poisons known to toddler-kind and RG sensibly avoids them at all cost. (Cost being parental enticing and nagging.)

Which brings to the topic of peer pressure. When Random taught high school, he noticed many examples of peer pressure at work.

"If your friends drive their cars at 80 mph while drunk are you going to drive your car at 80 mph while drunk?" parents of adolescents ask.

"If your friends take strange pills are you going to take strange pills?" the same parents ask.

"If your friends take their clothes off with strangers, will you take your clothes off with strangers? they ask. (Do parents ever learn to stop asking questions like these?)

Random won't even bother telling you the answers.

But Random is surprised to learn how powerfully peer pressure works among toddlers. For example, at about a year and a half, RG learned the concepts of cool and uncool. Uncool is what your parents suggest. Cool is what your friends do.

For example.

One weekend, Random Daughter (RD) (aka Mama) and Random Daughter's Out of Law Partner and birth Mom (OP) (aka Mommy) went to a class reunion at the International School in Canada RD attended before she went to a real American college. Her best friend at the International School is from Finland. (RD has been to Finland a couple of times to visit since those days.)

Her Finnish friend also brought a toddler. Who speaks Finnish, amazingly.

Anyway, there's probably something very strange about Finnish toddlers, because they come from such a strange, far-away land and have "furrin" customs. Because everybody was eating, and the Finnish toddler was eating his vegetables. RG watched the Finnish toddler for a bit, and then she picked up her vegetables and started eating them with every appearance of enjoyment and delight. Of course, as soon as she got home again and there were no more Finnish role models around any more, RG lost all interest in consuming vegetables again.

Just the other day, the Randoms went to the playground and RG got a turn on the swings right away. She didn't even have to wait for a turn. In the next swing over, RG saw a six-year-old girl. RG forgot even how much fun she was having swinging. She turned and stared as attentively at the six-year-old as an anthropologist studying an African tribe. Just watching every move and gesture with rapt attention. Figuring out how to be a grown-up, I guess. (To a toddler, six years old is very grown up.)

Here's Random's advice for parents. When your child is quite young, hire a designated peer. Don't leave it up to the child.

Carefully choose a child just a little bit older who has cool charisma.

Set up a private interview with the designated peer. "Here's the deal," you say. "Play straight with me and you will never lack for money for skateboards and video games."

"I will give you a script of attitudes and behaviors to model and advice to give to my child. Because I know my child will be very reluctant to follow my good advice because I'm a parent. But my child will want to emulate you because you're a peer and known to be cool. So I will pay you to advise my child on the sensible things I want him or her to do because they will listen to you when they wouldn't listen to me. Just be sure to present my advice as cool and slightly forbidden. Do that, and you will be very well taken care of."

You're welcome. No, it's nothing. You don't have to send me anything. Random just wants to help. That's all the reward he needs, is knowing that he has been helpful.

Oh, yes. Random is trying to convince one of the cable channels, perhaps Discovery Channel, or TLC, to offer a new show: Random Granddaughter's Etiquette Tips for Toddlers. RG isn't allowed to watch TV, but that doesn't mean that she can't be filmed by a hidden camera so she can share her wisdom with other toddlers who do get to watch television.