by Tricia C.
Member since:
August 8, 2006

Comments made when someone dies.

December 02, 2006 02:34 PM EST
views: 376 | rating: 10/10 (6 votes) | comments: 28

Why is when someone dies that everyone asks how you are doing?.. Hello, so and so just died... Can't you see I have been crying and I am not ok!!

 We have had 2 deaths in the family this holiday season so far.

 The first was a baby that did not make it before delivery. (Her brother did, and he is doing really great.)  The second person was my sister.  She killed herself. 

 We also have another person we know that recently found out she had bone cancer and they keep finding more spots on her all in one month.

 So, this holiday season is not the greatest for me.  But the first thing everyone asks is how i am doing.  Hello... Time is shitty, but I will lie  and say that I'm ok...

 Ok, I'm done venting. 

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Comments: 28

Joe T. Dec 2, 2006, 2:43pm EST
I lost my father this year. No one can explain the loss or the feelings that go along with it.

I am sorry for your losses.
Tonia, who hugs trees G. Dec 2, 2006, 2:47pm EST
Trish - if someone asks how you are doing, I would just tell them the truth. They may really mean it and want to know.
Mary McCartt Dec 2, 2006, 2:55pm EST
I can only imagine what you must be going through. Go ahead and vent all you want to. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Heather B. Dec 2, 2006, 2:56pm EST
I am sorry for your losses also. Sometimes people just really want to know how you are doing and lack any other way of asking. They don't know how to grieve with you if they don't know the truth. It is not *they* that need protecting by hearing "okay."
Jolene Garcia Dec 2, 2006, 3:02pm EST
I think what it all boils down to is that people have no clue what to say in that situation. So they say the first thing that comes to mind. How are you doing?
Tricia C. Dec 2, 2006, 3:04pm EST
I agree with you all... thanks for commenting...
Fran S. Dec 2, 2006, 3:13pm EST
Trish, my sympathy and thoughts are with you.... I TRULY do understand what you mean, and how you feel. Sometimes I'd rather people didn't even ask how I am because I cry at the drop of a hat. So you hang in there Girl!!
Tamara L~will view, may comment~ S. Dec 2, 2006, 3:21pm EST
I am sorry for your losses. I think that sometimes people also ask how you are doing so you can talk about it. Talking about things and getting it off your chest is a healthy way of grieving. Maybe it is their way of saying, "It's okay to open up to me." My heart goes out to you and your family.
Nanci B Dec 2, 2006, 3:24pm EST
I'm so sorry Trish.

Please don't be so hard on people who just don't know what to say. Just because you are crying at this instant, they don't know how you are doing. For example, I was at a birthday party 7 (nearly 8) years after my brother's death and I all of a sudden remembered that that day would have been HIS 40th birthday and I just lost it. It wasn't that I was doing badly, I just started crying at that moment. So a crying jag doesn't really cover the depth of what people are trying to express.
Linda R. Dec 2, 2006, 3:30pm EST
Trish. My heart goes out to you . I know you must be feeling miserable.

Anyone who asks how you are at a time like this and expects you to say that you're doing fine is not being realistic. I agree that people say the wrong thing because they don't know what to say, but that doesn't obligate you to provide the answer you're looking for.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Ang, inspired by good, G. Dec 2, 2006, 3:34pm EST
Trish ~ My heart goes out to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just keep on venting.

So sorry for the loss that your family is dealing with right now. Hope things get better soon.
Tricia C. Dec 2, 2006, 4:00pm EST
Thank you all for your prayers and keep us in mind.... I did not come down hard on anyone and pretty much broke down when someone asked... It is just one of those questions... you know noone is doing good about it... but we all will make it through... I try to make sure that I tell those that I need to that I will be there for them if they need a shoulder or an ear.
Travis B. Dec 2, 2006, 4:03pm EST
Trish it would be nice if we knew the exact words to say to those who are suffering grief, but even death doesn't bring out the sage in most people. Take care.
Jennifer Kirkpatrick Dec 2, 2006, 4:17pm EST
Sorry to hear of this happening, Trish. I think the "how are you" question is simply an expression of saying "I care". Best wishes.
Hank W. Dec 2, 2006, 4:34pm EST
Trish,I am truly sorry for your losses and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.No one knows exactly what to say at a time like this but I believe they have your best interests at heart. Take care
.
Leigh V. Dec 2, 2006, 4:39pm EST
Trish, I too am sorry to hear about what you've been going through and are still going through. I lost my sister to cancer and the first day I went back to work, of course everyone asked me the same question. To most of them I told them I will be alright if I don't talk about it and they left me alone. I did talk to friends who were close or who had been through the same thing. I also went to counseling for awhile and that helped. Each holiday is a painful reminder and it's a good idea if you prepare yourself for the fact that it is normal to feel the pain all over again. One thing you can do that will help, is to do something different for the holiday so that it doesn't remind you so much of your loss. I wish you well, allow yourself time to grieve.
Lori C. Dec 2, 2006, 4:41pm EST
Trish you and your loved ones are in our prayers. I think that the people are just trying to find out what they can do to help you through your trying times. They want you to know that they are there if you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. Take them up on it and let them know how you are feeling. You have one ray of sunshine right now. The baby boy made it and is doing fine. Give him lots of love. If you need to vent any more we are here to listen. We care.
Amanda "middle of nowhere" C. Dec 2, 2006, 5:28pm EST
You're in my thoughts. This will be a rough one for you. As for the comments, I think sometimes people just don't know what to say. They mean well.
Tricia C. Dec 2, 2006, 5:53pm EST
yes, they all do mean well... and Lori, you are right.. we have had something good come out of all this.. my step brother's baby boy is doing sooo well. He was born at 6 months gestation and was only in the nicu for like a day or two... He is still in the hospital, but i dont think it will be long before he comes home....
donna h. Dec 2, 2006, 6:45pm EST
Trish -you have my deepest sympathy.
donna h. Dec 2, 2006, 6:47pm EST
I forgot to tell you my prayers are with you for your nephew.
Tricia C. Dec 2, 2006, 7:24pm EST
Thank you Donna...
Shawn "left this place" W Dec 2, 2006, 7:39pm EST
Trish, Honey, I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. You are in my prayers.
Michelle W. Dec 2, 2006, 10:53pm EST
It is okay to vent Trish. We all have to do so every now and again. As far as people asking how you are, tell them. Don't lie to them. Maybe they want to help and if you keep saying you are okay when you are not, they can't help. I will keep you in my prayers.
Janet H. Dec 3, 2006, 1:31am EST
I am sorry for your losses. It sounds like its going to be rough holiday season for you. I am praying for comfort for you.
Nancy S. Dec 4, 2006, 2:06pm EST
Trish I know just how you feel. I lost my son in August and this is the hardest Christmas I have ever had to work thru. I just don't have much holiday spirit. I keep trying though because I know my son want that. He loved Christmas as much as I usually do. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Layla Morgan Wilde Dec 9, 2006, 8:11pm EST
It's so hard to say the right thing. I try to stay in my truth. If something bad has happened and I feel awful, I don't say I'm fine. I say the truth, briefly.
The other thing I find useful when grieving is simply feel your feelings, be with them, know the pain isn't bottomless or forever.
Tricia C. Dec 9, 2006, 9:31pm EST
Thank you all for your comments... I want to add that the person with the cancer is not going to be with us much longer. The decision has been made that the cancer has spread so quickly and all over that there is no saving her. They have given her at most a month to live. My odlest is taking it really hard as she was very close to her grandmother.

This holiday just keep bringing bad news as my Mother in law broke her hip and had to have surgery. She is doing fine and will be out of the hospital soon.

When it rains it really downpours over here.

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