What I've Learned So Far... Today
Washington DC, November 29, 2006
George W. Bush today once again emphatically asserted that Iraq had not slipped into civil war.
Natalie Clap, the Third Assistant Undersecretary of Bush's newly-created Department of Denial said in a prepared statement, "It just baffles us how anybody could call this a civil war. Ok, we understand that it's a little bit inconvenient to drive around Iraq, what with the car bombs, the burning Humvees, and the death squads. And ok, the bodies in the street do tie up traffic now and then, which according to Dr. Rice's fact-finding missions, really screws up business at the downtown Baghdad boutiques. But civil war? Hardly."
Pressed to elaborate on what terminology the White House might prefer to apply to the conflict, Clap said, "Let's look at the facts here. We have no more than two or three well-armed, organized, ideologically-driven factions battling each other for control of the government. And ok, we've had a few civilian casualties, but certainly not more than about 600,000. How could you call that a civil war?"
"These little problems," she continued, "are really just the kind of things that are bound to crop up in any fledgling democracy. In a sense, even though it might be unpleasant, all of this is as natural as breaking wind. So let's not get all dramatic and start throwing around terms like 'civil war.' If you really need to put a name on it, how about 'Freedom Fart?'"
Clap went on to say that whatever you choose to call it, the President is very concerned about the escalating levels of violence throughout Iraq. "Why, just last week he got so worked up listening to the Pentagon reports that he let his juice box get warm. Let me just say that you didn't want to be anywhere near the Oval Office after that."
Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball
If you enjoy What I've Learned So Far... chase all your friends on over to my Web site to sign up, so they can enjoy it too! They'll thank you, and so will I.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 19
But you might get an aggro visit from the neo-cons on Gather - they're in as deep denial as is George Dubya wandering lost in the bush.
Check out my recent Dear Santa 07: Baghdad and you'll see what I mean about some people being in deep denial.
Don, do you have a link to that interview with Bill Clinton? I missed it.
Will, I'm not sure where you got that definition, but the dictionary just says that a civil war is "a war between citizens of the same country." That said, the point of this piece is not really whether Iraq is in a civil war, it's how goofy it is for the administration to dig in their heels against virtually every expert from both parties (Colin Powell came out on this today) and adamantly deny it. With as many as 655,000 Iraqi civilian deaths since 2003 attributable to this bit of unpleasantness, I think there are a lot more important issues at stake than semantics.
And just remember, everybody out there, this is satire. I write jokes for a living, so if you think I'm an idiot, you're probably right.
- mike
My definition of Civil war only comes from a web site I came across. Probably o The point was that everyone defines "civil war" differenty. So I just get frustrated when people say it is a civil war just because of violence or some other reason when it just doesn't look that way to me. But that can be a entire different discussion. Just thought I would explain myself.
- mike
Imagine taking Mike Ball seriously? The gall.
- mike
- mike
Thanks,
- mike
- mike
- mike