For the past three weeks (though it seems far, far longer) I have been trying to give up coffee, for health reasons. I haven't managed to wean myself off completely, but I am down to one cup a day. One precious, life-giving cup. In some ways I'm really an ideal candidate for a coffee moratorium; I'm so fatigue-ridden, headache-prone, and short-tempered on a daily basis that it's difficult even for me to tell whether I'm actually suffering from caffeine withdrawal. But this morning I had no doubt that I needed my single cup of coffee, and soon.
I'd thrown away all the coffee and tea I had in my house, to avoid temptation; since I had to go out for coffee, I thought I might as well have breakfast while I was at it. I stopped in at my favorite local breakfast spot, and nearly moaned with pleasure when my cup was filled. My waitress was approximately two hundred years old; when she staggered over with my order, she asked, in a croaky rasp: "Need anything else, hon?"
I was halfway through the cup of coffee. I wanted more. Just this once. Just once. What harm would it do? "A little more coffee, please," I said.
I sat reading my book (Kick Me, by Paul Feig, which I highly recommend for anyone who had a miserable time in school) and nibbling on a piece of unbuttered toast with marmalade, waiting for the refill. My waitress was fussing around by the cash register, arranging menus, polishing silverware. Finally, she picked up the coffee pot and started to make the rounds. She walked by my table, glancing at my nearly-empty cup. And she deliberately passed me by. I realized that she must have misheard me, due perhaps to her advanced age, or to the emotional trembling of my caffeine-deprived voice. She must have thought I'd said I didn't want any more coffee.
I suppose I could have called her over and asked for a refill, but for some reason I have a strange horror of being misunderstood on small matters, and didn't want her to think I'd changed my mind. I also didn't want to explain that she hadn't heard me correctly. This kind of thing causes me undue consternation. I eked out my remaining quarter-cup with miserly care, and decided that Fate had pushed me to keep my resolution.
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Comments: 47
I hope you beat it, man. If there's hope for you, there's hope for my 32oz morning Dr. Pepper buzz!
Sorry you did not get your second cup, David. I hate when that happens. If I am with my older daugher, she gets up, grabs the pot and fills my cup. She has even been known to go around and fill others' cups. Sometimes I really like her for that. Sometimes it's a pain.
"I'm so fatigue-ridden, headache-prone, and short-tempered on a daily basis that it's difficult even for me to tell whether I'm actually suffering from caffeine withdrawal." pmsl, such a quandary, but I'm sure your chronic symptoms are indeed exacerbated by withdrawal. Yours would be a strange constitution if it weren't. I've found caffeine to be the only one of my drug addictions that incurs actual mind-splitting pain on withdrawal. Going without my jinkies simply makes me fidgety and sad, trying to survive without my smokes consumes me with oppressive feelings of impending doom but only caffeine withdrawal is physically 'painful'. So of course I never go to sleep without being sure there's a can or two of bubbly caffeine in the fridge for morning. Pain hurts. Avoid it.
You ascribe to poor communication, sir, what is really an excess of delicate courtesy.
Ed -- I don't have to, but it would be a good idea if I did. I doubt I'll get down past a cup a day . . . but the reason I'm cutting back is that caffeine is a food allergy for me, so there's actually a good reason to take it out of my diet, much though it is killing me emotionally. Decaf just isn't even coffee . . . it's like making love to a blow-up doll instead of a woman. (Not that I'd know.)
Many years ago on a whim I decided to give up alcohol, cigarettes, and coffee at the SAME TIME. I'm not sure why I decided to do it, aside from deeming it an interesting experiment which, as you can imagine, went horribly awry. The psychosis which I entered two days into that journey lingers with me, like a nutjob halo hovering around my otherwise reasonable visage, to this day.
Decaf coffee is like non-alcoholic beer. It is a cruel, flat, and lifeless imitation of the real thing. Drinking such a beverage would drive me to... well, to drink.
So, here I am, reading down the comments when I choke on my coffee while reading A. Turner's comment about the blow up doll. Let's just say my monitor, keyboard, mouse, desk and phone are now as clean as the day they came home. However, my bills are coffee stained, but I think they'll still cash the checks.
Oh, David, sorry dear. I drink exactly one and a half cups of columbian roast with fat free half and half per day. Lovely and just enough. You can do it.
I have been trying to kick the colahabit for about ten years. I have my good days like today, a small coke at McDonalds and then my bad days like a couple of 32 ounce cups yesterday. Its a hard road to travel, but if I can kick smoking, i can kick the cola.
Mr. Turner, how DARE you take the sainted name of Our Holy Douglas in vain? I despair of your soul, sir -- really I do.
David back to what you were addressing before you article turned in to the commedy hour, it really would be awful to be allergic to Caffeine . Gosh more good things than coffee have caffeine. I do like my coffee, but I seldom drink more than 24 oz's day I think .
Americans are the only people I know that have coke or other softdrinks for breakfast . yuck !!
David, I wish you the best.
David, your description of the reaction is not an allergy and I suspect (NOT MEDICAL ADVICE) that it would not manifest with two cups, or so, a day. Has your physician told you to go off coffee, entirely?
Mr. Rochester.....I had some theories:
1. perhaps the ancient waitress was one of the wizened old women you referred to in your chapter. She "knows" you better than you know yourself.
2. you are suffering severe coffee withdrawal symptoms. who knew lack of caffeination caused such vivd hallucinations?
3. you salted your coq a vin breakfast omelette. you took a sip of coffee.....and instant allergic reaction. the older woman being wise to the signs saw the situation and did the non intervention intervention.....thus saving your life.
Do you think any of these are possibilities?