Monday Morning Coming On...

Rudely awakened at 3:43 a.m. after another too-brief night of fitful sleep, my incredible high-tech wireless indoor-outdoor temperature gauge is beeping like crazy.  I have had this wonderfully handy item since July, when it typically registered temperatures between 90 and 100 degrees (F) here in the Twin Cities.  It does everything I could want, including telling me the highest high temperature we've had this year (103.7 degrees) and the lowest so far (19.3 degrees.)  It also lets me know what's happening as far as changes (trending up or down) and bad weather.  I think it may even tell me when I need to go to the bathroom... amazing.

Guess what it doesn't do?   It doesn't let me turn off one of those little features that you wouldn't even think about for most of the year.  Namely, the freeze alert.  What is that?  Well, when ever the temperature enters a predefined range (within -5 to +5 degrees of freezing) the clever little device displays a snowflake above the temperature reading.

 "Wonderful"  you're probably thinking... I wish I had one of those.  Well, hold that thought.

Along with displaying the little snowflake icon, it issues a piercing set of staccato beeps... not once, not twice, but approximately every minute while the outside temperature falls within this predefined range.  Now... consider this:  I live in Minnesota.   That's as in Minne*F*ing*Sota!  For that past month or so there has hardly been a 24 hour period where the temperature didn't fall within this magic range.  Some days we may reach 50 degrees for the high, but we'll almost certainly hit 30 or 34 for the low.  Other days we may drop down in the 20's for our low, but we'll almost surely reach 27 or 28 until we're well into December and January. 

If it hasn't yet become evident, this means that my obnoxious little device resonates throughout my apartment for hours, letting me know that there are possibly conditions conducive to freezing out there.   And if it does somehow time-out, it re-activates when the temperature increments up or down each one-tenth of a degree!  Were I contemplating a 3 a.m. run to the convenience store, this could be valuable information.  If I were about to leave for work and drive the 20 miles into Minneapolis, traversing multiple overpasses (they freeze first, y'know) on I-694 and I-35, this would indeed be useful knowledge.

But, as I mentioned earlier, at 3:43 a.m. I'm going to be in bed.  Ideally I would be asleep.  Under these circumstances, minute by minute announcements concerning possible freezing conditions are bit less critical to my well-being.  In fact, they are extremely contra-indicated for someone in my naturally unstable mental condition! 

Not to worry, though.  I remain calm... I even have the presence of mind to dig out the little sheet of instructions for setting up the little pissant of a thermometer... just need to figure out how to turn-off the alert option.  Hmmm... how odd... it seems that all of the other beep-based options can be optionally de-activated if the user so chooses.   As far as the potential freezing conditions alert, the "option" is not an option!  It's a given!

Did I mention that I live in Minne*F*ing*Sota!   I'm supposed to put up with oh-about-4-or-5-hours of incessantly annoying beeping from mini-*F*ing-obnoxious-pissant-son-of-a-rectal-thermometer device! 

Well, I'm not going to take this lying down, people!  I'm nothing if not determined... well, now, at least... I live on the fourth floor... I have a balcony... do you here me you little spawn of the devil thermometer!  Ahaaa!  Who's laughing now!  Save your pathetic little pleas for mercy... it's too late!  Good bye and good riddance... how is your new life as frisbee?  Haahaaaa!  Guess what?  I DON"T CARE!!!!  Haaaaa!  Victory is mine!  Revenge is indeed sweet...

Finally, I can return to bed and sleep in peace.  It pays to be decisive.  Take action, that's the ticket! 

Getting sleepy now... it's so quiet... how nice... hmmm... s'pose I could've just taken the batteries out, couldn't I?  Oh well... too late now...  

And then... as though from a great distance... a persistant sound begins wafting across the early morning air...  {Beep beep beep!... Beep beep beep!... Beep beep beep!... Beep beep beep!...}