"Mom,", she would soon write, "please send my copy of Kafka's collected writings as soon as possible!"
She needed to make sense of her day in court
she needed to understand how like Kafka had written a man can stand in front of the gate of law and not gain entry , not be allowed , the firece guard blocking the entrance and then as he lays dying, the man asks the guard why all that time, all those years as he was waiting outside the gate of the law , no one else tried to enter?
That is because , now came the chilling reply," this gate of the law is for you only and only you may enter it.."
That is for her the complete irony of the law that is meant for individuals yet does not permit entrance..
For six hours she sat there next to the lawyer who kept telling her "be quiet" in a language the judge could not understand as she tried to be the passionate believer of human rights, as she tried to demand the judge notice what her husband had done, that he pay for his deeds and not be allowed free access to the children after he had turned violent one time too many..
The judge was judging her, he was saying his opinion, he was reading assessments of qualified idiots who had seen something, a social worker who had reported moths in the kitchen and piles of things in her bedroom..
The judge warned , the judge threatened but most of all the judge judged her and had put her on trial ..
When asked what she did most mornings, she had admitted to writting on the net , mostly about domestic violence, she had said, her husband who sat quiet and morose still wearing the golden wedding ring ( she, one the other hand, had sold her gold wedding ring a year ago bought a jewish prayer book with the money and a mood ring instead which was on black now)after a year of separation , now woke up.. this was Alice at the mad hatter's tea party.. he screamed and cursed .
"Off with her head", the judge seems to have played the part of the queen of heart.
The lawyer, a religious man who spoke few words and seemed to have endless patience for her passionate outbursts had simply said every few minutes "be quiet!" in a language only she and him could understand then suddenly he was the white rabbit , he looked at his pocket watch and said he must go after he had translated the agreement, both sides had signed , and she was left with the judge who continued to judge her all the way down the stairs to the exit , as she continued to say what she thought even though the lawyer warned in no uncertain words to be "be quiet! ", "you could lose it all"
She took with her into the cool evening air the hug the translator had given her, a woman who could hardly translate and needed both herself and her laywer's help to decipher the judge's words..
she was antsy and nervous as her lawyer did not allow her to sketch caricatures of the judge , something that always helped her manage her nerves and thought that if there was a right time to jump in front of a moving train like Anna Karenina ,this was the time however she did not have feelings towards this or any Russian nobility nor did she feel her life was over simply because the judge had judged her, made threats , and made her financially lame..no, she wanted to live , she concluded as she hopped on a moving train, a young guy asked her for some change,begging for some drink or drug money and she yelled at him, very much like her husband often did," get a job!" and walked in the train with new earned pride, of someone who is not quite at the bottom of the pecking order , she sat and leafed through the free paper seeking storied of freshly divorced celebraties , Brittney Spears was getting speared by her ex. , what a relief not to be alone !
She stood in line for a hot apple pie in Macdonald's , this is thanksgiving eve, she had suddenly realized and decided the line would be too long and she had to get back home and give thanks to her freedom to walk and breath and make decisions even such as not wanting to wait in line.