Late Night Encounter of the Miraculous Kind

From the department of random late night musings:

As often happens, I awake in the wee hours of the morning
after a miserably insufficient amount of sleep.  (Why does my
my mind sabotage my body so?) 

After a brief period of pretending that I'll resume sleep, I acknowledge
insomnia's petty little victory and turn on the television.  (The "tee wee"
as my Danish friend used to say, mostly to annoy me since he spoke
flawless English.)

Hmmm... what's this.  Another one of those "Super-Dooper Incredible
Cures and Home Remedies That No-One Wants You to Know About!
[Except Us Because We Don't Have A Profit-Motive-ish Bone In Our Body!]"

But wait, isn't that Hugh Downs interviewing the editor?  Certainly is.
Hugh wouldn't lie to us, would he?  I've known him since the 60's, when
he was a game-show host.. I think it was Concentration.   I don't remember anymore...
but he's a geniunely nice guy! He's practically like a grandpa to me. 
 He even shared his knee-replacement surgery with us on national tee-wee! 
Uh, I mean tee-vee.

After 15 minutes of amazing testimonials from Harvard Medical School
professors, Nobel laureates, and people with foreign accents (they must
know something we don't!)  I'm starting to be swayed... $118.95 value with
two free bonus gifts... but no!  I won't pay $118.95... not $89.95 ... not even
$59.95!   I can't believe my eyes!  For all of this I'll only pay... $39.95!!!
(plus Shipping and Handling.)

Ok, yeah Hugh.  That seems like a good deal alright.  Especially with all of
those experts with accents offering life saving information.  Apparently, they're
doing it out of the goodness of their heart(s), too.  Of course, it would be nice if
they just shared it with us right in the commercial and saved that many more lives,
right now, for free!  Hmmm... probably a legal liability thing.

Straddling the fence now, my mind clouded by the fog of sleep deprivation, I'm
about to talk myself out of making the purchase... possibly shortening my lifespan
by decades!  And then Hugh sets the hook!  He's oh so smooth and grandfatherly as he innocently mentions one last home remedy... involving, you guessed it.. DUCT TAPE! 
The handyman's secret weapon!

I'm immediately drawn in... seldom have a man's ears been more entranced by
two words.  Holy Grail... naked women... cold beer... bare breasts... free beer...
yes, these do have some of that effect.  Throughout history, men have become
completely awestruck at these utterances.  Yet seldom in modern times has
anything been a more potent siren's song than that simple phrase... duct tape. 
Even in it's more bastardized form... duck tape... men lose all sense of perspective.

So, what then, Hugh my friend... what is the magical home remedy secret of
duct tape?  I haven't felt such exagerated anticipation since I thought Geraldo was
going to find untold underworld wonders in the cave under Al Capone's hotel.  No,
don't tell me?  Just a teaser?  Hugh, don't fail me now! 

The timer is counting down... only seconds to go... this could be devastating for a
man in my weakened condition.  Hugh, my man!  Show me the love!  And then, when
all appears lost... the mystery is suddenly disclosed... WARTS!

DUCT TAPE REMOVES WARTS!!!  Is there symmetry in the universe? YES!!!! 

I realize that I haven't taken a breath for nearly a minute... this no doubt heightened
my orgasmic delight upon hearing this amazing addition to the arsenal of Duct Tape
applications.  Gasping for breath, sweating profusely, I'm renewed in my respect and
trust for Hugh... Hugh, you beautiful, silver-haired god, you. 

Such relief!  A new world has opened up to me... all because of this incredible
book.  As time runs out on the countdown clock, they remind me to order now or
miss out on the bonus gifts.  All that knowledge for such a small price... I have to
get it, don't I?  It is Hugh, after all.  Hugh wouldn't lie!

But then again, I've  already learned the Duct Tape mystery... hmmm...

Nah!  Too much knowledge is a bad thing.  Thanks anyway, Hugh.