The Question was written December 26, 1996, the day my wife of 15 years arrived home from work to inform me she no longer wanted the honor of that title. As one can imagine, the devastation was complete. The Question reflects that despair.
The Answer was written December 30, 1997 -- the day after our divorce became final. With the help of a wonderful, caring woman -- Linda -- I learned that I was, indeed, capable of loving and being loved again. To her, I will be forever deeply and eternally grateful.
| The Question What happened to my life? Where did I go wrong? I thought I knew how to love How could I've been so wrong? If help is what I need Then help is what I'll get But will it really matter if my life has turned to shit? I know I'm not perfect, and that I've done some terrible wrongs But they were not done out of malice The reasons are many and long I offer no excuses, and my guilt is plain to see But I do want things to change For my wife and family -- and me I'm told that now it's best for me to leave my family and home To figure out my problems But can I do that when I'm alone? If I had the answers, or even turn back the clock I'd never do some things again and my love would be a rock But, alas my greatest fear, the one that I most dread Is that it really is over and my woman's love is dead How could I've been so stupid? It's really not like me To waste so thoroughly a love that was meant to be Can I be forgiven? Is there even a chance? Please, don't let this be my swan song I want a least one more dance If given a chance an opportunity to redeem I'd be very much different not nasty and mean I know that I've blown it That fact is crystal clear I've lost the love of the woman I've always held so dear Can I be forgiven? Please say that it's so I want my family back and I don't want to go How did this happen? Can someone please explain? The last thing I wanted was to cause so much pain A chance, just one more is all that I seek I'll be stronger this time It's no time to be meek I will try to win back her love I know I can succeed In giving her happiness and meeting all her needs Can I be forgiven? I MUST believe that I can Without that glimmer of hope I'll be only half a man Please someone help me ease this pain that I feel Wake me from the nightmare and tell me it's not real What did I do? Oh God, what have I done? I must have bee so stupid To mess up this one I WILL win her back That's all I can do It's a long shot I know But I'll do it for you Can I be forgiven? Is there still hope for me? I'm hanging on to that thought and of my life with my Dee | The Answer Yes, I can be forgiven By the one that really counts I choose to forgive myself And a new horse I will mount The help that I needed It;s now so easy to see Was not what she wanted But, what was important to me Yes, I am forgiven My life is mine to lead A belief in myself Is all I really need The failure I experienced Was not mine alone The blame belongs to both All the blame I will not condone My love she rejected My spirit she tried to kill But, I can, and will survive Because that is MY will. I accept my part Responsibility I won't evade But, she has to do the same My peace of mind she will not invade The love I had was hers And hers alone But she turned it aside Cast out like some old bone Well, it's her loss One she'll see someday But, I will go on I'll just make my own way I AM a good person And, a damn fine man too And the love in my heart One making things much more clear My swan song was an illusion My end wasn't meant to be I'll show her and everyone I'll be okay. I'll be the best me Can I be forgiven? Yes, it's already occurred I'm forgetting the harshest words A man has ever heard Mean and nasty and unhappy Was what was said about me Well, those were HER perceptions She was as wrong as wrong can be I proclaim my independence From her and all her ills I take back my self-confidence Let her pay those painful bills Yes...I am forgiven For my mistakes I have atoned I am starting over with a new life And a new love and new home So my bygones are gone My future will be bright My life will be even better My horizons aren't even in sight So I say good-bye To the pain and the rest And I say hello To a love that will be the best Good-bye my sweet one The wife I called Dee My life is mine now And, I'm looking out for me But thank you I must say For all the times we had Even though we hurt each other Not all the times were bad I have two sons Boys through and through No matter what has transpired They're a reflection of me and you Yes. I am forgiven For a most dreadful sin I'm starting over I'm beginning again |
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Comments: 18
It is such a shame that people turn to other people for comfort when they are just as sinful as they are. If only people would turn to God and give the overflow of the love to their partner, then the world woudl be a much happier place. It is when they pull off each other that they tear apart their relationship, because we do not have an infinite supply of love apart from God.
NWJ Keep up the good work and God bless (+=-)
I had a major deadline today, so the prospect of a quiet night and a glass of wine was a blessing!
-John C
I just dragged some old papers out of storage, and found among them my poems of the 1970s. I liked the concerns, I liked recalling who I was, and I've blown off the dust and plan to come back and work with them again. I want to keep the substance of the experiences, but I'd like to apply some of the technique I've slowly learned.
I think your subjects are important, both to you and to potentially to other people. Given this distance in time from these poems, are you looking to finish carving them out of the marble?
If so, I'd make the following two suggestions:
-- reconsider the rhyming; it's a very strong effect, and it gives the feeling that, while you were going through this suffering, you mind was half occupied by issues of poetic diction; and so it can undermine the feeling
-- look for words you can drop, single words, without which you don't lose the meaning, but you do lose the regularity of the expression; these experiences obviously pushed you way out of your ordinary feeling range, and by cropping out a few of the words like "is" and "a" and "the" you can interrupt the ordinary flow -- without losing any of the meaning.
Sorry if this is not the kind of response you were seeking, but it's what I would hope for myself, if and when I get some poems up here...
And glad your life goes on, with beauty and joy.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll review the poems to see where I can implement them.
; )
I learned that you can't make someone love you back.
Sometimes God closes one door to open another. It is great you found someone else. Sometimes love is better the second time around! My second husband and I will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary in June.