The modern academic position

I actually sat down at the keyboard to do something constructive, but my eye fell on the page my daughter had been reading. She, and then I, were taken by an ad for a research specialist. The ad was very long, only a small section was devoted to the specifics of the position, which I finally inferred was grant writing. This was not, however, clear. Most of the ad comprised an astonishing list of required or desired skills. I have copied below, a small section of the desired qualities in applicants. Although the pay scale was abysmally low, I was so taken by the description of desired skills that I was moved to send the following application.  

   "A minimum of a master's degree in Anthropology, History, Geology, Biology, or a closely related field and a minimum of three (3) years of full-time research or equivalent part-time research in a relevant research area subsequent to the baccalaureate degree is required. Relevant areas include New World or Southeastern historic or prehistoric archaeology, geoarchaeology, soils or geomorphology, stratigraphy or micromorphology, remote sensing and geophysical survey, historical architecture, archival research, historiography, field biology, wetlands and endangered species biology, enthnobotany, zooarchaeology, and osteology."

I believe the committee, having written such an ad, deserves the following application: 

Dear Search Committee:

I would like to apply for your cultural resources specialist position, posted on your website. I could not believe my good fortune when I read the research areas relevant to this position. At first, I was somewhat confused by the presence of the gratuitous ‘n' in the word ‘enthnobotany,' but I decided that this might have been a simple error, and the ‘ethnobotany' was meant. My previous work, subsequent to obtaining my doctorate in stratigraphy, was in deepest Africa where I apprenticed for seven years to Dr. Zgubu N'gama of the little known Wairobu tribe. It occurred by accident as I was remotely sensing strata of land, in the hope of finding bones. I was accosted by a group of pygmy natives who brought me to their village in a remote part of the Congo basin. Here, I was treated quite well as it appeared that my presence had been predicted by Dr. N'gama, the village witch doctor, whilst he, too, was remotely sensing. Through gestures and drawings, the friendly villagers explained to me that I was destined to be the next witch doctor of the tribe, but that this would take a twelve year apprenticeship.

I quickly learned the language and the wonders of native medicine. The abundance of herbs and medicinal plants in the region rivals that of anywhere else in the world and I was being made privy to this most puissant of healing arts. Unfortunately, after seven years of such apprenticeship, I grew restive for my American roots and said a sad farewell to the Wairobu tribe to return to the United States. I began searching for employment and chanced upon your marvelous ad. After contemplating the remarkable fit between your needs and my skills, I began to wonder whether, in fact, you really did mean ‘enthnobotany' and that my skill with herbs and potions might be irrelevant to your needs. So I promptly endeavored to prepare myself as an expert in this field. I only had one week to do so as the ad stated that the application had a closing date of November 22. I am now pleased to state that I have obtained a master's degree, in enthnobotany, from Freedom University, through correspondence. They appeared to have a very flexible curriculum so I wrote them and asked them what they offered in enthnobotany and this new master's degree (fully verifiable) is the result of that enquiry.     

So, you see, I have all contingencies covered. If, indeed, you meant ethnobotany, then my seven year apprenticeship and training in herbs and potions should meet this need. If, on the other hand, it was not an error, then my new master's degree should suffice for that field.

For verification of my apprenticeship with Dr. N'gama, you may reach him at the Wairobu village which is but 650 miles (as the dhub-dhub bird flies) from the nearest airport and can be reached by mule back. There is, of course, no telephone or radio in the village but you can find Dr. N'gama quite easily once you enter the village from the south, the only way you can enter. His hut is the second largest in the village after that of the chief.

As a scientist versed in stochastic analysis, I deem it quite unlikely that you will find a person with greater qualifications. However, I promised Dr. N'gama that I would return for one more holiday before I took other employment. Therefore, I shall prepare to begin my duties at the end of the Wairobu annual festival of the search for virgins, the length of which is indefinite because of a recent scarcity of that commodity. Last festival actually lasted 12 years because we had to grow our own. We are, as you can see, backlogged for eleven festivals. I shall send a message regarding the date of my return. Of course, I expect to start at the very top end of your salary scale.

Respectfully yours,

M'batu se' N'gama Johnson