I received a charming note today from an editing client, written on the back of a menu from the deli where she had eaten lunch. The substance of her missive was a description of the difficulty she'd had in eating the egg salad sandwich she ordered; apparently the egg salad declined to stay put between the bread slices and fell out onto the table, into her lap, all over her hands, and somehow even besmirched several innocent bystanders. My client, who has been deluded by my manner of prose composition into thinking that I am dripping with politesse, concluded by saying that had I been with her, she was sure I would have fetched a few extra napkins and concealed my amusement at her plight. Painful though I knew it would be to her, I felt obliged to correct her, and sent this note in return:
WHAT DAVID ROCHESTER WOULD DO IF HE WERE HAVING LUNCH WITH A WOMAN UNABLE TO PROPERLY ADDRESS AN UNRULY SANDWICH:
1) Fold his arms, raise his left eyebrow, look down his nose, and fix the unfortunate lady with a look composed equally of irritation and disbelief. Past experience tells Mr. Rochester that after being the recipient of this look, his companion will either: a) give up and throw the sandwich away, or b) slap him.
2) Pick up his own lunch, which he is of course consuming with impeccable grace, and move to another table, disclaiming any acquaintance with "that egg-salad-eating slob."
3) Ask her, with an edge to his voice that everyone who knows him absolutely hates: "How long, exactly, is it going to take for you to realize you need to eat that with a knife and fork?"
4) Remind her that he told her not to order the egg salad; he knew it would be messy -- doesn't she wish she'd listened to him?
5) Clear his throat delicately, and turn his gaze away while she eats it, as though he were trying to avoid looking at the scene of an accident, or an indecent public display of affection.
It is sometimes less than pleasant to be so painfully aware of my own idiosyncrasies; if I were a better person, I suppose I'd use this awareness in order to effect some positive self-improvement. But I haven't yet evolved quite that far.
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Comments: 26
If I were anywhere near you, I would make sure I never took a bite or a drink of anything in your presence! And I would have to find some way of not laughing in front of you for fear that I'd drool or let out that unladylike snort that sometimes finds its way out of me when I am really enjoying my laugh. How I would do that is beyond me because you constantly make me laugh!
This is by far, a wonderful portrait of you as a non-computerized personality. You literally jumped off my screen and I felt like I was the girl with the unfortunate sandwich.
Great writing, David.
By the way, since you gave her that note...
I hope she burns you at the stake.
Shifting out of the sarcastic third person, I don't do it as well as you, anyway, I shall continue. I strongly suspect that the lady in question is right in her prediction of your gallant behavior, but that does not address two other points of concern. First, what is this food phobia you so eloquently express in several articles? If ingesting food with sloppy gusto, or lamentable accidents of haste, fill you with the horror you imply, you are missing a great pleasure in life.
However, of more overriding importance, as you continue en route to the marvelous style of S. J. Perlman, your apparent ego ideal, remember that he died a lonely, embittered, old man whose early brilliance was lost in the depths of his increasingly real cynicism.
It is a damned funny article, though, fully worth the 10 I assigned it.
Great writing, David, I enjoyed it very much and worth of a 10!
Or I might just say, "Would you like another napkin?"