"About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all."
- Rita Mae Brown, American writer and social activist (1944- )
There are some tough life lessons among those few words.
Being who you are is not "about all you can do in life." But it is the wisest choice. And that's what Rita Mae meant. It's a form of regionalism, meaning that her audience in the part of the country for which she was writing at the time would understand her intention completely.
"Some people will love you for you." That's comforting. In fact, it's said that more people likely love you than you realize. Just die and come back to peek in at your funeral or the interment service and you might be surprised at how many people love you because you made a positive influence in their lives. They won't say it to your face, but you likely wouldn't say the same things to their faces either. We save that for after people die. No one said it made sense.
Of course, that statement by Rita Mae assumes that there is something to love about you. Which is a matter for consideration for some people who think too much about themselves and care little about others.
"Most will love you for what you can do for them." Ouch! I doubt that means the greedy ones who try to suck you dry, as they don't love anyone. Again, it means that you have the ability to be a positive influence on the lives of many people. Many will love you for the help you have given them and others will respect you for what you have done for others.
"Some won't like you at all."Â That's about as plain as it gets.
We need to accept that some people will never like us. Some will dislike us, try to take advantage of us, even to use us for their own gain, or will try to hurt us because they are hurting and it somehow makes them feel a little better to see us hurt too.
It doesn't mean that we should mistrust everyone. It means that we need to learn ways to distinguish between those we can trust and those we shouldn't commit much of ourselves to.
That last is one of the three hardest lessons I have learned in my life. Not just that some people won't ever like me, but that those people don't matter.
The mud and pebbles that collect in the ridges of the soles of my boots as I walk in the woods matter to me. But the people who dislike me don't matter at all.
They have a right to live, as do I. I have a right to see that they live their lives in a lovely place that is as far from me as they can get. And I will wish them well. But not much more.
As children most of us are taught that what others think of us is important. Then many of us spend much of our lives trying to get past that lesson to the point where we understand that some people just aren't worth the trouble. Or our trust.
The lesson we should be teaching children is that some people matter, other don't. Learn how to tell the difference.
Choose wisely, taking into consideration that for every relationship choice we make there are consequences.
Bill Allin
Turning It Around: Causes and Cures for Today's Epidemic Social Problems, striving to help you tell the difference between the good guys and the ones that don't matter. Shouldn't matter.
Learn more at http://billallin.com
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Comments: 38
Lydia, I am delighted to see you say that. Some people still have those lessons to learn though. Some are Gather friends.
I love reading your writings, even your comments on other articles are well thought out.
I think you have a great way of looking at life.
Candy, it's very hard to love but not expect to be loved in return. But that's romantic love. Giving love without expecting it from others in a non-romantic situation is the best way to be. So few can do it because they are too drilled to be selfish.
Debra, you really do have a one track mind.
It is, however, on the right track.
Auntie, how fortunate you were to learn this critical lesson so young. When you decided that some people don't matter, others in the same situation felt crushed by the rejection.
Rejection is another subject entirely, of course. Many people feel rejected in situations that don't warrant that reaction.
Thanks Joe. I will do my best.
Notice that the mentally deranged individuals who have dogged me over the past week aren't around this article? I did not post it to some groups, notably the "post whatever the hell you want" groups. That's where the unbalanced people hang out and wait for the next lamb that walks into their abattoir.
Way to go, Bill! Give us a high five. You actually used the first person pronoun there. You gave us a little personal insight. It really helped to soften your usual voice-from- on-high, pontificating style. Keep it up, man.
Actually, Bill, I think that, in the case of M&M's, the explanation is dye, and in the case of human beings, it's melanin.
(And who are you calling "mentally deranged", anyway? Do you really think you are professionally qualified to make that kind of diagnosis? Could we see your curriculum vitae, please? )
Also good advice from Wilhelmine:
"Maybe the key to accepting that some people will never love you is to learn to love yourself."
To Angela:
I think it's a sad commentary on life that you feel compelled to insulate yourself so completely out of fear that you will be wounded again. I truly doubt that it has "helped" you, as you say. Throwing on a suit of armor only guarantees that you will never know the joy of the warmth of a human touch. It condems you to living only half a life.
Human beings, being what they are, will, inevitably disappoint us, or even injure us, from time to time. But you can exercise caution in your dealings with other people, without turning your back on them.
I can certainly understand the pain you must have experienced in your relationship with your father. Some say that forgiveness is the only way to find inner peace, but I realize that forgiveness isn't always possible. I think it would do you a lot of good if you could find some way to reconcile your feelings about your perceived betrayal by you father of your trust and love, though.
Edward, if you are correct about God, then that will give comfort to those among us who need it most.
i really enjoyed this article. it holds a lesson that i have only recently learned and taken to heart and i must say i am much happier, and less stressed, for it. i intend to carry as little negativity and hostility in my life as possible and when i feel those things from others i take it as a sign to move quickly, and quietly, away. afterall, they are entitled to their own feelings, as am i...we just don't have to agree.
others are here for a few moments or days that will change our lives forever;
others are with us to hang like lead weights for years (those in dysfunctional families know all about this kind of unrequited family/relationship love and suffering);
some are here to love and affirm us and be our steadfast companions.
They all count.
That is a difficult lesson for us "people pleasers." Intellectually I know you are right, but deep down in the nethermost regions of my heart a little voice cries we must not be trying hard enough! Sigh! I'm 40 now, perhaps before I am 50 I will learn this?
You can't please everyone all the time period.
I assume everyone likes me - if they don't then I'm glad they keep it to themselves.
Lots of good points, Bill. Salud,
Bill I must disagree here. I loved your article and all that you have said resonates in my being, but this statement stops me short of accepting it.
All people matter. All people have dignity. All people deserve love. Not all will live by these dictates, but that does not make them any less true. We are taught as children to treat others the way that we wish to be treated, that means that we love those who hate us and use us and abuse us.
This is the higher order. Not many desire the higher order or the narrow way because it is difficult, but it is the only path that leads to true contentment, joy and spiritual fulfillment. I teach my children to turn the other cheek, to pray for those who hurt them and trust that all things committed with evil intent would be paid in full by the one who see all.
Thanks for the article. It is well-written and very informative. By the way, congratulations on being the featured article on Gather!!!
I enjoyed the article, lot of truth in it. I also find that there are people that will be drawn to you if you are in a position of power and can do something for them. The minute you loose that power you can count on a single hand who really loves you.
I find that the only unconditional love is from God and who ever got truely touched by the spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ will find the capacity to forgive and continue loving others even through hurts inflicted upon us.
I grew up seeking approval from my father and no matter what I had achieved I was never good enough. After my conversion to Christianity I am able to reach peace in my heart and no longer try to please someone that is impossible to reach peace with.
Love to me now is being comfortable without pressure to perform.
I take it, then, from those words of yours, that you wouldn't bother to push one of those meaningless, worthless people who don't happen to care for you, for whatever reason, out of the way of a speeding bus. Right?
I take it then, that you don't subscribe to that age-old admonition to "Love thy neighbor as thyself". (I don't see any qualifiers there, such as, "just so long as he or she adores thee".)
And then, of course, to get to the real heart of the matter (where we Christians are concerned, at least), I presume you consider these words to be a bunch of hooey:
"...Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you./Bless them that curse you, and pray for them that despitefully use you." Gospel of St. Luke, 7:27, 7:28
And, one more, for good measure:
"And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have thee? for sinners also do even the same. " (Luke, 7:33)
Got anything to say to that, Bill?
(You see, Bill, even though you've called ME everything but a vampire--"mentally deranged", "insane", and "a potential rapist and serial killer"--all because I dared to point out the deficiencies in your logic, the inane conlcusions you arrive at, the amateurish quality of your writing, and your holier-than-thou attitude, I actually don't think you're such a bad guy. )
What if noone likes us? Would you teach the children that it doesn't matter and nothing matters but us, me?
I think you have read more into Rita Mae's words than she meant. Being who you are is worthless unless you are a good person. Charles Mansons is who he is and if you don't like it you don't matter.
I think Rita Mae knew that everyone matters and you do the best you can. If you love your fellow man and treat your neabor like you wan't to be treated, you have done your best and that is all you can do. That is all she meant!
That was a hard lesson for me to learn. It is not as harsh as it sounds. It does not mean that we wish harm on these people, rather just avoid them. I said it was hard to learn, but I learned it early. If the people who dislike me do not have a purpose in my life, than I should just forget about them. If their purpose is to make fun of me or mistreat me, why should they matter to me? I don't like to hurt or be hurt, but I will defend my friends to the end, those who don't like me are not my friends.