"Dear Ruth,
On behalf of the editorial team here at Gather, I am very pleased to inform you that we are featuring grammarians on Gather, and you have been chosen to appear on the Gather homepage. Congratulations! Your icon will be featured on Saturday and Sunday, November 11-12 from 6:00 a.m. EDT Saturday. Be sure to tell friends and family to go to Gather.com to see your great efforts recognized.
Best regards, and thanks for contributing to Gather!"
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I'm so excited, I can hardly stop wetting my pants! I am going to be featured on the Home Page of Gather! And I thought receiving the International Clio was my high point! Compared to this Honor, that trophy is a mere bagatelle.
My only hesitation in accepting this paean to my greatness is the label "grammarian". I've been called many things, but this is a first, and I'm not sure how to take it. In my mind's eye, this word describes a stiff-necked, unbending, old-timey, ruler-wielding schoolteacher and I don't really see myself that way. Moreover, I couldn't parse a sentence if it were a sentence of death. I vaguely remember that "nouns" are things and "verbs" do things, but beyond that, I'm lost. I never remember the difference between an adverb and an adjective and the only thing I know about "passive voice" is that it's the one children use to say "yes, ma'am".
Now, "syntactician" is a label I could embrace. That one's got heft combined with a sly undertone (I mean, put "sin" and "tactic" together, and you've got a party, baby). But "grammarian"? What are Gather's standards for bestowing this title upon me? Don't I need some credentials, or at least a few more letters after my name? I admit that poor grammar affects me like a sharp needle in the eye, but does that make me a bona fide grammarian? And, if so, what are my duties and obligations? Am I now expected to monitor all Gather entries for grammatical or syntactical slip-ups? And, if found, what punishment am I expected to mete out to the offender? (Actually, that could be fun.. I can think of a few people I'd like to beat severely about the head and neck for language-mangling...but I digress).
I think the main negative result of this "honor" is that I can never, ever, under any circumstances commit a single language error on the pages of Gather. I will be expected to be a paragon of correctitude, every apostrophe, comma and ellipse examined and dissected by those who delight in deflating celebrity, regardless of merit. I will be inundated with a barrage of "gotchas" if ever I stumble and commit the slightest verbal misuse. I will forever be chained to spell-check and the weird MS Word grammar police, never again feeling free to write by the seat of my pants, living in constant fear of the misplaced colon.
The prospect has me so terrified, this may be my last entry for Gather. If so, stop by the front page over the weekend and bid me farewell. I will do my best to respond. Grammatically, of course.
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Comments: 43
ps
Congrats!
Rest assured that my esteem for you is as constant as the hobgoblin of small minds. I feel exhilarated with every breath knowing that it may contain a molecule that once passed through your trachea.
Seriously, having gotten to a point in my life where 80 is beginning to look like a goal, I have to admire you for maintaining your bad attitude and sick sense of humor.
Nippy, only 80? I'm living to 110 you know. 80 is nuttin...
Nippy... I'm far too old to be conjugating, although the suggestion does give me a little tickle of warmth in the groinage area. Additionally, try as I might, I can't keep my participles from dangling anymore...result of poor muscle tone, I suspect. As for my attitude and sick joke mentality, it takes years of practice, son. You are certainly well on your way to the big leagues, but you've got a way to go before you can compete in the senior division.
Thank you all for the congratulatory messages. I hope I can sleep tonight, being totally atwitter about making the Big Time tomorow. *giggle*
[shaking head] Donna, it's all in the pronunciation. You don't have that down pat. Here, let me show you how it's done:
Werd!
"wërd"
See?
Dame Ruth, you must be particularly careful with the placement of your colon if you are writing by the seat of your pants.
David.. you are absolutely correct, sir. Colonic irritation has always caused problems for my pants... both granny and psycho... If you can suggest a cure, we would be most grateful.
David.. I tried that stick schtick once.. still finding splinters. Not a pleasant sensation, although you evidently enjoyed it. What kind of stick did you use? (please don't say "chapstick").
Kudos on such an illustrious honor!
Your faithful psychpant, St. Joan (not a grammarian but I play one on TV).
I asked one of the gather editors why I was "chosen." The reply (as best I can remember and reduced -- as we foodies say), "People like reading about food on Saturday morning." That said, I have noted that the Gather editors don't feature idiots.
So well done, m'dear. Gather is lucky to have you and so set your own terms for the engagement.
One lump or two?
Kevin
Ah, crap. It's actually a word.
I'm pointing as we "speak" Jackie.
Now, back to my corner.
Best wishes,
Your Official Gather Grammarian
Aside to Sandy: are you alright, pimp o' mine? Your grammarian/pointwhore is worried. Check in please. I mean it.
I stand in awe of your superiority and am humbled by your mere presence. I am bowing in honour of you taking the time to even acknowledge us *little people* here. Your enchanting presence here on Gather just takes my breath away!