CHRIS: A Love Story

...Just imagine the world as our ancestors knew it – world without modern communication, Internet and TV, the world where one could leave his (or her) home for months, maybe even for years, without any chance to contact those whom he/she had left behind… where almost every "goodbye" sounded more like "farewell". Maybe these remote ancestors knew something about human relationship what our fathers and mothers don't know and therefore not always understand – and what we, their progeny, are trying to recover now...

I did meet him for the first time in February 2003 - if only the word "meet" fits well here. We have just had Internet connection installed in the Russian State Library, and I used to spend long hours browsing through different web servers in search of much-needed material for my scholarly projects. I was always deeply interested in early Christian history, and when I found a site worthy of attention, I've decided to leave a note in the guestbook introducing myself and encouraging those who share my interests to write to me. I didn't put much hope on it, but several days after that I've got a letter from HIM. His name was Chris Pawlyk, and he studied religion in the Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond. I answered, without ascribing much significance to my message and hardly expecting to hear from this guy again. But next morning, to my surprise (and excitement) his response was already in my mailbox.

So we began to communicate regularly, exchanging E-mails, photos and books, discussing every kind of topics, from religion and politics up to personal life... and soon realized that we fell deeply in love with each other. It just happened - unexpectedly, as it seemed, for us both. He was the first to tell me about his feelings and, sincerely speaking, I wasn't too eager to believe him - I knew pretty well what men, both Russian and American, thought about Russian women seeking prospective partners abroad and therefore had no intention to join their ranks. But it didn't take much time to realize that I shared these feelings completely - indeed, almost from the very beginning.

"We seem to have so much in common and share many similar ideas and values about life and our world," - he wrote to me once. - "It is very true that you live in Russia and I live here in the US. But I have not meet anyone like you. No one can know what future holds, but I do not want you ever to think that I am misleading you or being dishonest. When we finally meet face-to-face, only then can we see what will happen..."

 And he was right. We did share much in common. Everything in him seemed to me deeply attractive - his kindness and openness, his wit and his charming sense of humor. A single message from Chris (and he E-mailed me at least twice, sometimes thrice per week) was enough to make even the most cloudy day shining - no wonder that I began to call him "My Sunshine." Unlike any man I knew before, with Chris I could remain my true self. I never even tried to play a beauty with him, and was absolutely (some would ever say, blatantly) honest in regard to my feminist views, as well as some of my health problems. But - believe me or not - all this failed to get him back to his senses. :-)

We have been dreaming about our personal meeting for more than two years and even described this long-awaited moment in colorful stories - but still it was far easier to say than to do. Chris never made a secret of the fact that he wasn't rich by any stretch - and a Russian librarian's wages are so low that I couldn't even dare to think about getting to the US without any financial support. He offered me money so I could visit him in Richmond, but I refused, stating very clearly that if I ever come there, it would be only and exclusively on my own. And so I did. After several months of constant searching I was able to get a grant support from ATLA (American Theological Library Association) for my PhD thesis which allowed me to spend three weeks in American libraries. I chose CUA Mullen Library in Washington, DC, realizing that Richmond was not so far away from Washington and that for both Chris and me it would be probably the only chance to see each other face-to-face.

But just when we were happily making our plans about how we would want to spend a day or two together, something fatal was happened. In April, 2005, my father has suddenly passed away from thrombosis - before my very eyes - leaving my mother a widow. He was only 60 years old. My Grandma, when hearing about this, suffered a stroke she never recovered from. She died a month or so after Papa's departure. I've lost two people very close to my heart during such a short span of time, and my shock was so severe that I wanted to postpone my trip to America or even to cancel it at all. Only the fact that I've already had the grant money on my bank account (the money I was responsible for) - and, of course, my everlasting hope to see Chris - prevented me from doing so. There is no need for me to add that he did his best to support and console me during the darkest days not only for myself, but for my whole family.

But it wasn't the end yet. When I first applied for the US visa in American Embassy in Moscow, they refused me on the grounds that I didn't give them enough proof that I really intended to return back to Russia after my stay in the US. Considering my family situation, the very thought that I could immigrate anywhere sounds preposterous - to say the very least - but such is the US official policy towards all foreigners who apply for a non-immigrant visa. So I had to address Mr. Norlin (ATLA Executive Director), and Mr. Norlin, in his turn, wrote to his congressman in Washington - no more, no less. And, of course, there is no need to mention that I've got everybody in my own Library head over heels!... Finally, after so much effort, pain and humiliation I've received my US visa and came to Washington... Oh, please, don't get me wrong. This job wasn't simply an excuse for me in order to see my boyfriend. I'm a professional first and foremost... an independent, free-thinking woman and a staunch feminist at that. Moreover, I do feel myself fully responsible before the people who were so kind and generous toward me. But it doesn't necessary mean that I'm not able to love - completely and unselfishly. If I had the strength to put through with all these difficulties, it was only because of my deep care for Chris and my strong desire to see him.

I simply couldn't predict what happened next. He wasn't able to meet me in the Dalles airport because of his car problems, so I had to ask a fellow librarian from Mullen to call a taxi for me. Next time, an emergency with one of his job colleagues prevented Chris from coming to Washington - how he explained me in his message, he had to work instead of that guy. I was naturally distressed and just wrote him so, suggesting Chris speaking with his boss and asking him (or her) for a little leave - after all, the next week should be my last week in the US, and it seemed pretty much unlikely that I would ever be able to come to Washington again! He answered that he understood my disappointment well. "Believe me, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you... I long to see your face just as much as you do mine." Then he asked me if next week worked for me and if I still wanted to see him. Of course, I responded positively, but I haven't been getting any messages from him for quite a time since then and even the greeting from Yahoo.com  I've mailed to him on my birthday inviting him to spend this day with me (as well as other numerous E-mails I've sent later) wasn't picked up. One can easily imagine in what condition I've returned to Moscow! Moreover, I had to hide my distress and my tears from everybody, first and foremost from my mother - she had suffered enough these last months, so it's only natural I did my best to spare her another trouble... only to increase mine.

As soon as I was back home, I've begun to search for Chris through Internet  - I was afraid that something unpredictable has happened with him... I asked my American friends to make inquiries, and some people offered me their help by themselves. There was no day when I didn't think about him... praying for a single word from him. There was no night when I didn't embrace him in my dreams... only to wake up with eyes red from sudden tears. I felt myself so desperate, so terribly lonely, that sometimes it seemed that my whole being has turned into a nervous wreck. Then, when my hope was almost exhausted, I've got the message from him - the first one after several months of silence - where he asked to forgive him for hurting me. He explained that he withdrew from contact with virtually everyone outside of his family because he needed time to reevaluate his life and to decide what to do next and what impact he wanted to have in this world. And, of course, I've forgiven him. I simply couldn't act otherwise. Maybe Chris didn't suspect that, but even if he was correct in his assessment of his own behavior, his positive impact in my life far supersedes any pain he could cause me - deliberately or not.

He contacted me only thrice after that. The last time I've heard from him was on June, 29. He informed me that he had finally embarked on a new career - he has enrolled in a Nursing program, "which is five nights a week and very intense." But, how he wrote to me, "I do believe in the end it will be worth it." He hoped to be able to work in Pediatrics with young children. Also, he made it quite clear that, even though he had no regular Internet access this time, he was looking very forward to hear from me again and that he was going to keep me in his thoughts and dreams. But I haven't got anything from him since then, and it seems that he had left Richmond, so his E-mail address is everything I have right now.

What is going on with Chris? Perhaps he feels himself somewhat guilty - and not entirely without reason - but, God is my witness, no matter how desperate I am, no matter how great is my pain, I'm still loving him with every fiber of my being and wish him only the best... if not with me, then at least with another woman. When my father was alive, I still could cherish a forlorn hope of being happy with my chosen one, but his sudden death changed everything. I simply can't abandon my mother who needs me so much and go abroad God-knows-where in pursuit of my own happiness. It would be extremely egoistic... if not worse. All that I can dream about is to meet my Chris face-to-face - at least once in my life. To touch him... to look deeply into his green eyes... to make it all real. All that I want right now is to know the truth. My feelings are swaying from hope to despair and back to hope, but one thing I can tell for sure. Even if he didn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve, it still doesn't give me the right to pay him back with the same coin. If he didn't betray or abandon me, of course, I would never betray or abandon him. If he did, I MUST know this for sure before making any decisions or conclusions regarding our relationship - just in order to let him go, quietly, lovingly and without any bitterness or malice, like a true Christian person is supposed to do. I'm still trying to hope beyond all hope that his feelings for me ARE genuine... and that our dream, our ultimate dream will one day come true. After all, how a Russian singer once put it, "death is costly enough to live... and love is worthy enough to wait."

I'm still waiting for you, my Sunshine. 

Svetlana Goryacheva

Moscow, November 9th