Voters Nationwide Experience "RoboCall Withdrawal"

What I've Learned So Far... Today

Now that the elections are over, an eerie silence hangs like a pall over the American countryside. Phones have stopped ringing. People no longer arrive home to find hundreds of messages on their voice mail saying;

"Hi. I'm the best candidate. Did you know that if my opponent wins, he will personally invite Osama Bin Laden to live in your guest bedroom?"

Or;

"I'm eight years old, and my daddy wants to be your next governor. I just thought you should know that every day for breakfast my daddy's opponent eats a bowl of live puppies."

According to Dr. Calvin Syndrome, of the Syndrome Institute in Boise, Idaho, Americans nationwide are experiencing a sort of "shell shock" caused by no longer receiving around-the-clock automated political phone calls.

"Zis phenomenon," said Dr. Syndrome, inexplicably speaking in a false German accent, "is often referred to as 'RoboCall Withdrawal.' Many people simply cannot tolerate such a sudden absence of hateful attacks and baseless accusations."

Victims of RoboCall Withdrawal, or "RCW," often find themselves staring for hours at the phone, hoping for a chance telemarketer or obscene phone call, just so they can "get right" for a little while.

But help is available. The Syndrome Institute has introduced a new service, called "The RoboCall Patch," aimed specifically at RCW sufferers. During the first week of the service, subscribers are called hourly with messages accusing random people of everything from tax evasion and infidelity to crimes against humanity. Over six weeks the call frequency is gradually reduced, then eliminated altogether.

Dr. Syndrome went on to say, "Ideally, the RoboCall Patch is a product that renders itself obsolete. We can take some comfort in the fact that in less than 24 months we'll start creating a whole new batch of patients."

Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball