How would you handle this situation?

Unfortunately, that is the law in just about all states now. The school system takes no changes. I had a boy threaten to bring a knife on my bus last year, and he got put on the "short" bus, which is for troubled kids.

I think your a "little" in denial. First, she probably did know what she was saying. Why not - she didn't say anything obscure. It sounds like she was pretty clear on what she would do. Albeit she received the notion from the video game, the comment had malicious intent. I think you should speak with your child about the behavior, letting her know it is unacceptable. You made several "excuses" for why your child made this comment, all alleviating her from any responsibility. I think she should solely be responsible for the comment and discliplined accordingly.

Hi Trish,I would just talk to her right now. Nowadays they take everything so serious at school because of what has happened in the past. I don't believe a 5 yo would actually do something like that. I might also get a new video game, try to sneek in something more educational(my daughter has some horrid video games)That might help and be fun at the same time. I think I had bought Scooby-Doo ones, and some math ones, something like that and just take away the violent ones. ..ps my youngest has ADHD.

I don't know that punishment is necessarily the solution here. I would have a "heart to heart" conversation with her and ask her why she said what she said (which will also help you to understand if she really knew what she was saying) and where she heard something like that. Talk to her about why it was not appropriate to say something like that (no matter where it is - home, school, neighborhood, etc.). Then, talk with her about things that she can do differently if she is upset or if someone is bothering her (walk away, tell a teacher, etc.).

It seems that your child needs some firm, loving discipline. It must be explained to her why she was punished and why it was wrong. It should also be reinforced that she is loved, but her behavior was wrong and unacceptable. Spend some time with her and encourage her to talk about her feelings and what led to her comment.

Perhaps the video games she plays should be closely monitored and/or curtailed. She is obviously being influenced to think violent thoughts from some source. I would also use this as an opportunity to reinforce your moral and values to the older brother as well.

I hope this works out well for you.

I agree with Erinn to a point. Your child might not understand that it isn't acceptable to threaten another child, or even what kind of damage that sort of threat can do. But she's at an age where making excuses for the behaviour can be just as profound and damaging, only to her, not other kids.

Sit her down, explain that what she did was not all right, and that it is not all right to threaten anyone else. A minor punishment such as revoking special treats, or giving her an earlier bedtime would not be amiss. Nothing too harsh, just something that will remind her that what she did was wrong.

You mention video games as a culprit of the type of threat she made. I'd seriously consider the type of video games found in the house, or that she either plays or sees played.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-video game. I don't love them, at least not like my husband, but I do get final say over the types of games the kids get, or are allowed to play, borrow, buy, or rent. Anything featuring guns or blood are just not allowed.

I think one of the best starter video games for kids are the old Nintendo systems, with things like Mario Brothers. They are not anywhere near as violent as things found on the shelves today, and they are easy for a 5 year old to play. Plus, you can find the systems dirt cheap at yard sales.

I tend to echo Heather. You need to limit her exposure to the more violent video games as well as tv and movies. It is incredible what the little ones pick up when we don't realize they are paying attention. They are little sponges. I believe some punishment is in order, as it is inappropriate to ever threaten violence to another.
She is at an age when she just does not grasp that the hurtful things she sees in games, tv etc.. are permanent if they occur in real life.

Ok.. I didn't mean to sound like I was making excuses... I was trying to give you a little background on her... and she did get punished today.. she had to stay in bed all day long ... no toys.. no tv. .just sit there along with a good stern talking.... also told her that what she said could get the cops called on her and then she would have to talk to the officers. So, we did give her a punishment and did not excuse what she did... I just wanted to hear from others on what they may have done on that situtation.

This is indicative of a problem that is far more complex than a few video games or her ADHD brother. I personally think it's a great deal more widespread than most people realize.

Children are growing up with a sense of entitlement. They are being taught that what they want is paramount, and that everyone else's needs or wants are secondary to what THEY want.

What prompted this little exchange? Obviously the other kid said or did something that angered your daughter. Finding out the whole story is first. THEN you need to decide what steps to take to remedy this.

Her saying this could have farther reaching consequences than her haing to speak with the police, and trying to scare her with that is not a course I would EVER use on a child.

we are doing all the things you all said... i just wanted to see what type of punishment you all would have done and get more of a perspective to see how I might have been able to handle the situation better.. which I have.. thank you

"...also told her that what she said could get the cops called on her and then she would have to talk to the officers"

PLEASE!!!! Do not ever "threaten" a child with having the cops called. One day she may be in a situation where she needs them, and it would be a pity if she were more afraid of the law than an attacker.

Donna, they will indeed call the police to talk to a child. It is no more and no less than the truth to tell her so.

I notice a lot is being said here about what to do with the kindergartener...ADHD or not, I think my choice in this situation would be to talk to my son. My eldest has Asperger's, and has trouble making good choices because of his difficulty making models for behavior. I frequently talk to him about the effect his choices in word and action can have on his little brother, and his responsibility as the elder brother. I would also, as someone else suggested, get rid of those video games! Forget sneak--who's the parent here? Try something like the Zoombinis--it's educational, fun for all ages to play together (my husband and I even play), and nobody dies, ever.

Hang in there, Trish!

Good advice from others already, and I echo the careful monitoring of video games, and other sources of stimulation. People are less sensitive to effects of even the most seemingly inoccuous violence. When my sister noticed escalating fights between her first and second born, she also happened to observe that the conflicts usually occured while they were watching cartoons or movies. From that day on she severely limited their access to TV, and carefully monitored the content of anything they wanted to watch. The fighting didn't stop altogether, but it was less toxic, and less violent.

ADHD kids are especially susceptible to the suggestive and imaginative influence of violent video games and other stimulating images. Many professionals think that regular exposure reduces their coping skills when they are faced with stressful situations.

Your five-year-old was wrong to threaten another child. I'm sure she understands this by now. To prevent the likelyhood of it happening again, it is important to establish consequences well in advance. I would hope that you have also expressed and clarified a system of rewards. When children comprehend a definite system of consequences and rewards, they are often empowered to make more positive choices. Good luck.

Thanks Lydia... my 10 year old has the ADHD... not the 5 year old.... I wish they would just make educational games for the common systems out there.. my kids dont want to play the baby games as they would say those systems are... they want the real gaming systems... maybe i should write to microsoft and sony about making more educational games for kids to play and make them available to the public.. and to all the stores to that offer the games we buy... we need more diversity in our games... and not just games that should only be for adults.

I should also add.. that my chidren are not the run of the mill kids who cause trouble either... my adhd child and my oldest who is a senior in high school has never been suspended for any reason.. my oldest gets all a's and b's... and has not once skipped school... so i have somehow managed to raise good kids... this incident just floored me is all.. and i wanted to make sure I was doing all i could to make sure it would not happen again.

thanks cheryl... somtimes i forget to stress the positive in my kids... but I am learning to do that more and more... thanks for the reminder.

Trish, what was the context when the threat was made? What prompted it?

I am not sure... but her brother was being a butt to her this morning (while his meds were taking affect).... I am sure that someone was annoying her... she would not just come out in the blue and say something like this... she often has to defend herself against her brother and now im wondering if they use this on each other??.. not sure.. but the principal said that this is not the first incident this year and they are having a hard time with other students her age with this same situation...

Good ideas and thoughts, all of them. A child at this age is usually frustrated because they cannot say in words what they really mean in their heads. I would first sit this child down and have her explain her feelings to me. Then I would stress how wrong it is to even suggest this verbally. Finally, she should write a letter of apology to the child and teacher (if she cannot write yet, she should dictate an apology letter which you write, then she signs).

You haven't asked her what happened? How can you possibly determine what action to take if you don't know what the situation was?

OK.. new update on this situation... my oldest just got home from church and in another elementary in the area.. they are having the same problem with kindergarteners.... seems it is not specific to my daughter at all.... as my daughter made the comment it is the new thing to say... not that it is right by any means... but this is an epidemic. .not just my child doing this... my child is the one who just happened to get suspended.. one day from kindergarten mind you...

Yes, I did ask her several times what happened.. but she does not like to talk about anything... i cant even get out of her what she ate for the day.... or what she learned at school for the day....

Yes, I did ask her several times what happened.. but she does not like to talk about anything... i cant even get out of her what she ate for the day.... or what she learned at school for the day....

Our youngest son grew up with older brothers who watched MTV in front of him. There was a song on MTV that said, "I want to kiss you all over." Our youngest son, about 5 or 6 at the time, went to school and said that to one of his female classmates. She told the teacher, we got a phone call, and our son was in big trouble. He was repeating what he'd heard on TV and I don't think he even realized that he was saying anything wrong. He really didn't catch on too fast when it came to social relationships in school. He spent an extra year in kindergarten because he liked to hug people whether they wanted to be hugged or not. He was like an overly friendly St. Bernard, which resulted in him getting some counseling on social relationships. He never threatened to hurt anyone. He just wanted to love everyone to death!

Trish, yes, I understood which kid had ADHD :). Zoombinis is a computer game--and it can be quite difficult, as it teaches mathematical concepts (not that the kids would know that if not told!) Wherever the comment came from, my recommendation of it stands.

Unfortunately I see this a lot with kids in school. And I agree, a lot of the problems and language that kids bring to school is either from video games or TV programs. I don't know if you remember it or not but when Teenage Ninja Turtles began there were cases of kids being badly hurt because they were emulating their "heroes" and believe it or not, there were a couple boys when I was a kid who tried to emulate Superman and fell from garage roofs while they were "trying to fly".
My advice would be to speak to the school or your church counselor for the best way to discuss this situation with your daughter. She may need to speak to a professional to get the notion of "knives" straightened around. Until you figure things out, I think I'd also put a "time out' on the games for everyone until you can more closely examine them to see if they are influencing the kids in negative ways. Good luck....it's hard to know what to let the kids watch and play but we need to keep up on this stuff. If you even want to post a list of the games you have, we could all give you our opinions as parents (and myself as a teacher) on age appropriateness and whether they give bad images for kids. Just a thought....let us know! good luck!

Thanks susan.. with my oldest daughter's help, i think we have narrowed down which game it is.. but she also hears others at school saying this not just her... We have discussed things with her along with the school...

In some of my comments, it may sound like I am pushing things off and laughing about it, but I am not.. I take a threat like this seriously... It is hard with games due to the fact that even in mario games, you have to kill something to beat the game... I just wish they would make educational video games for the systems like xbox and nintendo and playstion.... so that you dont have to go and buy a system just for them to play educational games... the systems now adays cost enough as it is and my husband and I are big gamers.

I know you are taking it seriously. I can tell by the tone of your writing that it is a situation you don't take lightly. It is hard to know what games to get for kids and what music too. If I had a quarter for every time my husband has made my son return an inappropriate CD he purchased on the sly, I'd be a wealthy woman! I don't want to freak you out but these kids are good at "lending" each other inappropriate games and hiding them from us. Even at an early age you sometimes have to "frisk" your kids to make sure contraband either isn't leaving home or coming from someone else's home. You can always do what we do....we take and hide the controllers and the kids have to "earn" the right to use them. It may sound harsh but trust me, they won't shrivel up and die if they don't get their daily dose of XBoX and it might be just what you need to stop the situation in it's tracks! good luck! :-)

I totally understand Susan.. and the kids here do know that they have to earn the privelage to play their games... any acting up and that is the first to go along with the tv in their room... then they have to earn it back to get it back... it has really worked in disciplining our son who has the adhd... not much else worked on him... but taking it away and making him earn it back

I didn't read the comments above, only the article. I would have a long talk with her about how what she said is inappropriate and why. I would also discuss different ways of handling problems, anger, and frustration. She needs to be equipped with appropriate ways to voice her feelings.

I have taught kids as young as first grade. This is a big problem that needs to be handled at home, with reinforcement at school.

I don't know that I would do the child any type of punishment. I would so talk to both of your kids and let them know what and what not to repeat.

I think they need to start looking at the actual child, and at the attitude of whoever is doing the teasing or whatnot. A comment like that has to have some sort of reason behind it(I was a shy kid once too...I believe her to have been bullied too much).

OK, you asked for opinions, and I can tell you now that you're not going to like what I'm going to say so if you're thin-skinned, you may want to click out of here now. You said:

"Yes, I did ask her several times what happened.. but she does not like to talk about anything... i cant even get out of her what she ate for the day.... or what she learned at school for the day....

THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!! She is five years old, and she has made a death threat. If this were my child, life as she knows it would stop until she DID talk about it, like it or not, and depending upon what she said that just might be the case for a long, long time. You are the parent. Running a democracy isn't in the parenting rule book, and in fact it's a bad idea even with minor infractions. She should not get a vote. For something this serious, if she were mine, when she came home from school her room would be stripped except for her clothes and her mattress on the floor and it would stay that way for a long, long time. She would come in and immediately go to her room to do homework. She would come out long enough to eat and bathe, and go right back in her room. No TV, no computer, no video games, no phone, no nothing, and I DO mean nothing. Any and all privileges, including her furniture, would have to be earned back.

No restaurant food, no parties, no play dates, no guests and no going to anyone else's house.

I honestly don't think you know how serious this statement she has made truly is. You've said her brother was annoying her, the kid she threatened probably annoyed her, other kids are doing it too, it's the video games, it's this, it's that, it's something else. Do you even realize that it is nothing short of a miracle that she was not permanently expelled and that school staff will be watching her like a hawk for the next twelve years because this kind of stuff DOES go into her cumulative file. It could even hurt her chances for higher education. I'm amazed that the school didn't require a psychiatrist and ongoing therapy.

Further, sending her to her room for the afternoon is nothing, nothing at all. You've taught her that serious infractions do NOT cause serious consequences.

You'd better get a firm grip on this child, because if she's making death threats at five her teen years are going to be sheer hell for your entire family and for everyone who comes into contact with her.

We used to live in Ks. and it was cold the only coat my 12 year old has was a trench caot. This, having been shortly after Colombine, caused quite a stir and he was first suspended then strip searched for quite a while even after i refused to allow it it was done behind my back.Needless to say we left the midwest and moved to Fl. where our youth are treated as individuals not causlualties of a situation ,albeit horrendous. they seem to be judged more fairly. Five years old is a lot extreme and you should persue it to the max

For a five year old she needs to be taught about respecting others and about what death is. Does she know what would happen to mommy if she did such a thing? bring it back to her reality and punishment isn't necessary here. Just teaching an parenting. As far as anything your other child with ADHD said he needs to be questioned and if he instigated any of it, a good ass whipping is in order. I'm sorry, but I find that parents will excuse the most inane behavior of their children just because of some diagnosed problem that seems to be an issue.

Dee... thank you for your response.... I think what you would have done would be a little harsh. She really is not this bad person you are talking about. She just happened to be the one out of 20-30 students this week that said this and she is the one that got into trouble.... not all of them got suspended... she was made an example of... and yes i know how serious this is... if it was my child that the threat was made to, i would have screamed to hell and high water and may have called the cops... she had no tv no nothing.. only ate peanut butter sandwiches.. no toys. .no playing.. so i think her punishment fit the crime for this time.

now it was not just an afternoon in her room.. she knew she was in trouble and is actually a very fragile child. for another person to even discuss something with her when she does wrong sends this child into perile... meaning she starts balling and has other effects socially because of it... today she is home sick.. no fever, but is throwing up now... not sure how much is that she is really sick or a back lash of what happened yesterday and is now afraid to attend school.

Travis... we do teach respect in our house... and we keep animals in the house for that fact of teaching death first hand. Ok, that sounded morbid, we don't kill the animals, but pets have a way of getting hit on our road quite often. Not that we want that happening, but it is a fact of life.

Now, if this situation continues to escalate and becomes a real problem then yes, a harsher punishment will be alloted.

You have already had many good suggestions. I believe the fact that you asked for opinions shows you already have some doubts about what you have been doing. Parents seem to be so overwhelmed today. To be honest, it's not just today. I was too. And I certainly didn't handle things correctly in many incidents. Yet, one day my son told me the reason he and his brother didn't get into a lot of trouble was because I pretty closely monitored them and was fairly strict. I agree the video games may need to be changed. Parents (and I was included in this) for years thought if they permitted a child to watch or play violent things, but talked to them about it and explained it was just pretend, they would understand that. Yes, parents should talk to their kids about the things they watch and play, but I have since changed my mind about the rest. Violence watched and played does generate more violent behaviors in children. Limit exposure in the home, and continue to reinforce what is acceptable and what is not by communicating with your children and you will be taking a big step in the right direction.

Thank you Pamela... at first I did not have doubts about what I have been doing... but everyone has their own way of discipline... I didnt really want comments on my form of discipline, but to actually see what other forms of discipline people on gather here would have used... I have taken many different parenting classes and other types of classes through counseling.... ( im not a bad parent, I just like to learn as much as i can)

i guess we need to start getting active to the companies about the video games they put out for sale.... what was the last education game for xbox or playstation that you saw on the shelf??? I only ask those gaming systems, due to their popularity and they are found in most all home... stressing most...

My son was suspended for one day in third grade for spit balls on the bathroom ceiling. Not a biggie but I did explain to him that there are rules and when you break the rules there are consequences, both at home and out of the home. The hardest thing to teach children is to think before you do or say anything. They are impulsive. We all should learn from our mistakes and hopefully this will be a lesson learned.

Am I the only one who isn't surprised. Kids, especially smaller ones, sometimes get mad and threaten other kids. Their emotions are very close to the surface. They're nowhere near being fully socialized. My mom always said that children don't do well with abstract concepts and cause and effect until they're eight or so. I doubt the idea of the finality of stabbing someone is completely clear to her. If she doesn't have a pattern of violent behavior, mistreating animals, or bullying I wouldn't worry too much.

I think it's a good idea to explain that what she did isn't acceptable behavior and you don't want her to do it again. She needs to know that this is the last time she'll get away with it.

Nippy, I'm not shocked that a child of that age made a threat. I'm shocked that she included that she would be using a weapon, and would kill the person with said weapon.

Like it or not, kids learn it somewhere. Trish, my kids go to the same public schools as yours do, and I have NEVER had or heard of this problem in Mount Pleasant, especially not with kindergartners. I have my doubts that it really is an epidemic.

I have no doubt a few might be talking in a way that is threatening, but I've sat in on classes, watched playground behaviour, and have had to deal with trouble in the past year in Mount Pleasant, and yet, never once have any of my children made a threat that involved killing another kid, or have they had that threat made to them.

I know from past posts here, and JB that you have an XBox 360. That's a nice machine, but not exactly kid friendly in the choice of games. Rather than sorting out which one game might have made a knife reference, how about just getting rid of those games (which will earn you money), and putting it towards getting a slightly older non-babyish machine.

You want educational games? Offer those instead of blood and guts games. You are the parent, not the 10 year old, the senior in HS, or the 5 year old. You and your husband made the choice to buy the game system, and made the choice to buy the games that were bought. They have ratings on them for a reason. Making an excuse is just saying that you aren't doing your job as a parent, and approving and disapproving of what types of games they play.

Our kids have an SNES (yes, an anceint system), and kid friendly games- the graphics might not look like a movie, but you also won't find things like Grand Theft Auto in them. They also used to have a regular Nintendo, but we sold it on eBay. They have a game cube, but we buy the games, we approve the games, and we play the games before they are allowed to.

If it's not kid friendly in a way that our 4 year old can watch it, then it gets taken into Game Spot, and traded in for a different game.

We also have a Game Cube and a PS2. The kids are not allowed to play the PS2 at all, because that's my husbands, and the games are not kid friendly. The only games my husband plays (of his own choice) while the kids are awake are Football, Basketball, or Hockey.

You can find a TON of kid oriented, kid friendly games in the Nintendo series of machines.

The bottom line is this- I don't think you are a bad parent, but you are continously making excuses in this article about why your daughter said what she did, and that you still do not even know why she said it. If your daughter won't tell you, ask the principal. If the principal can't tell you, then ask to speak with the parents and child involved.

I would also recommend that you have your daughter apologize in person, preferrably in front of both sets of parents.

If my child came home, and I heard that another kid made a threat like that, you can be darn sure that without an apology, I would be talking to the school and the police.

The type of remark your daughter made is unnacceptable at any age. She is old enough to know that regardless of where she heard it, there are things that are just not acceptable- threatening a person in anyway is one thing that is unnacceptable.

Think about it this way- how would you react as a parent if your 5 year old came home and said that X person said the same thing to HER? Would you expect more to have happened to the other child?

I'm not suggesting you call in the cops on her, and scare her silly. That would be dumb. But as a parent, you have to look at both sides in the matter of a problem- how would you react if another child had done this TO her, instead of the other way around.

OK, I'm going to say this, and you may not like it but I frankly don't give a rip. First of all, you're fluffing the fact that your child, your FIVE YEAR OLD made a specific death threat with exact articulation of how she is going to carry her threat out. THEN you say you keep pets so you can teach the kids about death when they get run over????

WHAT KIND OF FAMILY ARE YOU????

If her eldest brother s always picking on her, she may be frustrated and tired of being picked on. An ADHD can be very demanding and take up most of your time, therefore she maybe feeling a little neglected as well. Set aside a day just for her. She needs to feel cherished and know that she is special too even if she doesn't have a learning disability.

Talk to her about her threat explain to her why she shouldn't threaten to hurt others, but don't harp on it.

Trish, if my son had done the exact thing when he was five(he's twenty-two now), I would have whipped him, he would have been scared to threaten anyone for the rest of his life . I don't & didn't play that, you don't threaten to hurt others. I'm concerned about the threat & I am equally concerned with you daughter. She may need a little more snuggle and cuddle time. Because it doesn't sound like she's very happy.

Please take your daughter into your kitchen, ask her to pick up a knife. Then ask her what people do with knives. I tend to think the answer will be insightful. Get all of your children to a counselor. If they are watching movies, playing video games or doing anything else that might give any of them the idea that knives are for harming people or other living things, then you have a problem. Nip it in the bud. Please take away the games and movies.

Heather... Ok.. I didn't mean to offend you or make you made... yes it sounds like im making excuses.. but I am not and we did handle the situation here at home... too many people here are criticing me for what happened.. all i asked was what you would do in the situation.....

Heather... yes we have the 360.. kids are not allowed to play it.... at all.... they have the nintendo 64 and sega dreamcast.. those are the systems they are allowed to play... I have never heard of this happening in the schools before this year either... Even the principal said that there were several children at her school (they may attend the same school system, but not the same exact elementary).... and when my oldest talked to one of the pastors at the church, they mentioned that it was happening to others too.. so it is not an isolated incendent with my daughter. The school would not tell me who the student was that she said it to... and she wont tell me either... but we have dealt with the situation and she knows now .. not to say those words again...

she is not mean to the animals in any way... and i know how i would feel if it had happened to her... it happened to my oldest a couple of summers ago a student at the school im'd her and told her that if she did not have sex with him he was gonna kill her.... he was a junior high student at the time.... so i do know how i would feel... but at 5 they really do not know the impact of their words they say most of the time when others are pushing them to the limit and wont stop and an adult wont step in to stop things...

dee.. i knew that would come around.. no we dont want our pets to die... it just happens... we have lost at least 4 animals in a 6 year time period to that road... its just a fact of life... we are not a weird family....

whipping a child is out of the question as that is considered a form of child abuse.... but we did handle it in a way we know that it would get across to her and she would understand...

Now judith.. why didnt i think of the knife situation.. guess i have not lived in a big city where teaching safety first hand is important... counselors costs money and most of the time they really dont help out at all... our adhd child has been to many counselors in the last 3 years...

now if she continues to repeat this behavior.. then more action will need to be taken... but i really dont think this situation will happen again...

but like i said.. i did not want to be criticised on how I handled it.. I just wanted to know from others who they would handle the situation.

Trish, say what you want, but responsible pet owners don't lose pets to a road, and especially not four times in six years. You might lose one if it darted around you at an open door, but I'm 58 years old and have NEVER lost a pet to a vehicle....not once.

Dear Trish,

I am the mother of a large family - we have eleven children, including three children with special needs.

I can't believe that I ended up on this site. I had been looking at a Christian Family site and now I am wondering if this was just a link --

How much time do you spend with your daughter? Per day?

As a family, do you eat all your meals together? Do chores together? Do you work together in a cheerful atmosphere? Do you ever read to her? Do you ever take walks together (and if you are quiet long enough -- they talk)

I am sorry, but from glancing thru the various e-mails I think many people are very, very wrong. I think the Dr. Ray methodology is extremely damaging to small children. I think that the fact that the national guard was called out over a comment that a little five-year child made MISTAKENLY, is utter nonsense. Who of you out there have never said anything in your life that right after saying it you thought "oh why did I say that?" Small children will not only repeat things they hear and witness out in the world, they will very easily say things with no meaning. I would not for one minute have taken her seriously. Yes, she should be mildly corrected with a simple talk that we don't talk like that.

Think about it, the next time you make a mistake, how would you feel if your husband hollers at you, makes you feel like an idiot and then tells you to go to your room and stay there for the whole day. (Now that is a good way to breed anger in the deepest part of a childs heart!). You would feel like a nothing.

I would simply have talked with my daughter, assured her that the school overreacted and tried to show my support by sharing my belief in all her good qualities.

Our children will become what they are surrounded with. If you turn off the TV, no videos, and instead spend your free time being fully available to your children as a parent you are in a very concrete way (without any speeches) telling them you love them and they are so important to you that you want to be with them and do things with them. TV, videos, computer games are merely a way to avoid being parents to our children.

Go to Barnes and NOble, the library, and pick out a good book and come home, pop some popcorn and read to her.

I think that it is beyond horrid that parents would strip a room and take away everything and do anything as degrading as even putting the mattress on the floor. How cruel. If you do things that are mean to your children -- they will do mean things to others -- including your grandchildren. What a violent culture we have grown to be. It is one thing to make sure are children as they grow up know they are accountable for their actions and that there will be consequences, but to be treated in a way that demeans a child's dignity is damaging. You will make behaviors escalate, not go away if you do not meet her deepest needs.

We want happy, loved children who know how to love others with compassion.

You don't need a counselor -- then your daughter will really feel like something is wrong with her. Don't do that.

Give her your focused attention. Stay off the phone. Don't let it interrupt your time together. Stay off the computer. Be a mom.

A wise doctor once said, "overpermissiveness and being overly harsh with children are both the same thing. A lazy parent telling his children he can't be bothered with them."

She is only five. Don't give silly things she says so much overattention. You tell her this is wrong and work on building your relationship with her -- you will see -- I have found consistently as a mother for 25 years. If their tummies are fed and their hearts are fed, those without handicaps do not have behavior issues.

I would also recommend that you go out and get any of Maria Montessori's work. Don't read a book about Montessori or someone presenting the work. Read her work. THE MONTESSORI METHOD has two separate chapters on discipline that every prospective mother should read. Just a couple of quotes that have always stuck with me in my dealing with my children (yes, I am still in the throngs of raising children, from 2 to 24) "no man learns self-discipline through hearing another man speak" true? true! "the end is obtained, not by attacking the mistake and fighting it, but by developing activity in spontaneous work."

Is your daughter learning sewing, cooking, any fun little hobbies to help her feel productive and creative?? And don't just drop her off at a class -- take it with her!!
My eight year old is working on a little simple cross stitch. Go visit an elderly person once a week -- better yet, the day before, make something together in the kitchen to take to your elderly friend. Help her learn in a concrete way, that kindness has its own reward -- deep peace.

I want to be clear, I am not advocating a loose approach to parenting and I am very opposed to just giving children whatever they want -- but if the marriage between the parents is good, if they parents treat each other with love, respect, helpfulness -- then the next step is to make sure that our children know they are loved and wanted by our not trying to get them out of our hair, but by guiding them in good things, ie. working together, playing games together, reading together -- if a child is raised in a joyful, peaceful atmosphere then you are helping your child and making tomorrow's world a better place by sending into the world a capable adult who can make wise decisions instead of sending into the world another love starved misfit.

Do you pray together as a family? Start with a Hail Mary a day.

I will pray for your family tonight. Love your children -- they are your mission -- and no one else can fill the job if you refuse!

Maureen

Thank you Maureen..... yes we do take time for the kids... and we read to them and we work together as a team when we do things in the house from cleaning to homework .. whatever it is... even though we have tv's in the house, the 2 younger prefer not to watch tv and love playing together.. which i encourage... yes they have tv's in their room for quiet time along with many many books... there is a time limit on the tv's that we have set the tv's to so that they only get so much tv to watch anyways...

we do eat together... but we do need to start praying together... i am not catholic (it sounds like you are) but that does not excuse the fact that we do not pray together.... i agree that you really dont have to give harsh punishment.... but sometimes it does warrant it... I feel she took that punishment well and it did not impact anger in her...

with the idea of stripping the room down to a mattress, I only think that should be used in extreme cases... My oldest son is ADHD/ODD and before I had him, I had the notion that children would never act that way unless you were not doing your job as a parent... well i found out wrong. .there are some kids that really do need the medication and do have a difficult time and the stripping of the room is the only thing that does come across to them.... and for them to re earn that stuff back... but not all children need this... this is for those one in a few cases that need this...

and i totally agree with you if a child is raised in a joyvul, peaceful atmosphere......... they really do turn out better.... especially when they know they are loved.. my kids know they are loved... and i make sure to tell them and show them everyday...

again thanks for your response....

I agree, there are some kids who do need medicine to help them. We have one too. I especially wouldn't strip the room of a child having difficulties for the very reason that this child most likely does not feel very good about himself already and stripping him of all his possessions will only confirm in his mind that he is no good. He might need more accountability, but we must treat children with dignity. How would you feel if someone stripped your room -- we must protect their dignity. Definitely, there can be a loss of privileges, desserts/snacks, assignment of extra chores etc. so that the child is accountable for his actions.

I would never put a television in my children's rooms. This is totally unproductive and very, very bad for them. How about a table with little jars of markers and stickers and paper instead? There is so little on television that is truly noble -- so very little to help our children become fantastic adults. We believe it is poisonous to give them regular programming. And even if you were to say we only allow history and science programs, think of how much more they could be doing with their time. If you have a school age child, large amounts of reading good classical literature (not modern garbage) will help them so very much in the tenth grade when they have to take their SAT's and ACT's for college. The years pass fast , as I am sure you are already noticing. Every little habit we allow them to develop -- FOR GOOD OR FOR BAD, will be what they take into adulthood with them. You want to encourage time positively spent -- in front of a TV may help the house get quiet -- but it is not helping the child to grow and develop, they need to use their minds, exercise by being outside, develop creative outlets. Now we are not so extreme that we have thrown our TV out, but we have weaned to only one in the house and there is no cable or satellite -- we have a family campout night in the family room and that night we all watch a movie together (video or DVD's of films with high morals)! They don't feel totally deprived, and we know that we are doing what is better for their formation. Besides, it is much better for them to be reading, cooking, playing outside and doing something than to have them mesmerized into the zombie state. I remember my own father calling it "the boob tube" -- he was very right. This is something we had to work very hard towards in our home. I used to love to watch all the news programs on television and Oprah -- but as I had children, I realized that it was not good for them, so I had to wean myself first and then thru my husband still kind of nudging me that this wasn't good for the kids, we have practically eradicated it altogether. And I have peace that this is better for them in the long run. There are so many better ways to spend quiet time.

This is very good that you want to pray -- it will open up a whole new and better world for your marriage, family and children. Start with a little, but PRAY EVERYDAY for your spouse, for your children and as a family. Keep the time short to start, but talk to God! He loves you and each of your children very, very much, and wants you all to be happy.

I know that you are not Catholic, but I want to leave you with something that I came across as I prayed last night -- "In the family, which is a community of persons, special attention must be devoted to the children by developing a profound esteem for their personal dignity, and a great respect and generous concern for their rights. This is true for every child, but it becomes all the more urgent the smaller the child is and the more it is in need of everything when it is sick, suffering, or handicapped." JP II

One thing about parenting, we have to acknowledge that we are striving and always strive to do more!! If we work on ourselves first, even to correct these parts of our lives, the children see this and it teaches them so much (without any long winded speeches at all) that we are trying to improve ourselves and that we are striving higher out of our love for them! You show that you are a good parent already by seeking input from others because you know that you have had this experience that has left you with that nudge in your heart that there could be other ways to handle things.


Best wishes!

And oops, I forgot to add about books on tape. These are also a good alternative to mindless television, mindless video games. You can get them at your local library -- a friend got us started with OLD YELLER and RASCAL. These are great in the car.

Our culture has been so duped by all the stupid video garbage we feed children, and then we can't understand the outcome.

You say that you love your children, and tell them everyday. It is not what we tell them -- it is our being and our actions that tell them the real story.

When I went to add this comment about the stories on tape, I had trouble with the site letting me add another comment. I had to go out of this article and back in to add this. I then noticed that you have other articles and that you head groups. This computer stuff is addicting too isn't it??

If we sit mindless in this activity too much, our mothering our children will suffer. I have never done this before and I am not going to do this at a site again. The computer can and sounds like in your case IS taking you away from your becoming a better wife and mother if you are on it so much.

I am really not on it that much... I do leave the computer on all day.. but i come and go as my children need me.. but i really thank you for your insights marueen... I will take what you have said to heart and with everyone's comments try to change in areas that need changing... but i think we can all take these messages into heart because not one parent out there that that ultimate answer and knows it all....

This is an old post, I know. I was wondering how everything worked out for you? I know of a child in my son's class in first grade. He is extremely mild-mannered and a very well-behaved kid. There is a girl in the classroom who is VERY bad. She antagonized him so bad one day that he got angry and he isn't the yelling type so he drew out his frustration with this terrible child. Unfortunately he drew a picture of killing her with a knife. When it was discovered they asked him about it and he explained...then was suspended for a week. He is not a bad child. He is a young child who does not completely understand how to express his feelings. Some people here have practically said you are a bad parent with nutjob kids which doesn't seem true at all.
My son won't talk sbout things either. I spoke to the principal about it and she said that is typical. They aren't trying to be bad by not talking about it- a lot of times they forget. If they are having a bad morning but have a great last half hour of school then according to them they had a great day. Or vice-versa. If they had a great morning but the last 10 minutes someone was mean to them then their day was horrible. Many aren't capable of more than that. They also make rash decisions ALL the time. It is their nature.
What I would have done...I would have sat down and tried to figure out where she learned that action or where she heard it and would attempt to eliminate it- the video game, the show she saw it on, which I am sure you would do. But if it were her brother causing it I would try to explain that sometimes people say things like that when they shouldn't and that he has trouble sometimes...but to be sure not to let it be an excuse for him in her eyes (I learned that the hard way- my son cries at inappropriate times because I told him that that is what babies do when they want something because they can't verbalize). I would tell her that words like that should always be taken seriously and never be used for any reason. You probably did that too.
My son would lose video games and non-educational television for a long while. I really like the idea of EARNING things back. We always use a time limit like "lose it for a week" but earning seems a way better idea!
For kids, long term punishments aren't a good idea because they will easily forget what they did wrong and reminding them too much doesn't seem like a good idea. Bad attention is just as good as good attention to them. If you yell at them for an hour for doing something wrong but praise them for a minute for something they did good then they are going to notice that they get more attention for misbehaving!

I'd love to see what's going on with her now!