State of Oregon Special Edition Barbies (joke)

These are the new Demographically Appropriate Special Edition Barbies, and this is a list of the Barbies that have been chosen to represent key cities in Oregon:

Corvallis Barbie:

This blithe little number comes with a travel coffee mug and optional scrubs for working at Good Samaritan. She also comes with a Volvo that has an OSU alum sticker in the back window. The bike rack comes standard. Other clothing included: jogging outfit and Beaver t-shirt. Bicycle and HP-worker Ken doll sold separately.

Lake Oswego Barbie:

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. She comes with a Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late."

Salem Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. This model is available at most pawn shops, but only after dark and it can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

Sweet Home Barbie:   (my favorite because she's from my hometown!) 

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker & a 2007 Oregon Jamboree ticket absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Pendleton Barbie:

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica T-shirt, and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's behind when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double-Wide Trailer.

East-Side Portland Barbie:

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.

Eugene Barbie:

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru Outback (LAV- lesbian assault vehicle), you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker & a pass to the 2007 Oregon Country Fair.