Not Giving Up On Doing The Right Things & getting The Good Stuff

NOT GIVING UP ON DOING THE RIGHT THINGS  & GETTING THE GOOD STUFF

By

Bill Cottringer

     There is something we all want and always know for sure when we have it or don't have it. Sometimes it is difficult to define clearly or know exactly how to get, but we do know when it is there or not. What we want is the good stuff—a reasonable sense of happiness, meaning, success, contentment, achievement and peace of mind about getting somewhere in life. The trick to getting here is in knowing the important things to not give up on and being committed to hanging in there doing them to the end. Here is the right stuff behind the good stuff that helps me think and feel like I am getting somewhere. And I suspect these are some common things none of us should give up on.

FINDING AND LIVING OUT A PURPOSE. 

     The most unhappy and conflicted times in my life were when I either didn't have a clear personal purpose, was convinced someone had unfairly taken it away from me, or  didn't want to admit what I had done wrong to lose it. These few times were without a doubt the darkest and hopeless places that I ever want to experience. Searching for and trying to live a purpose has always been a central part of my journey and I can't fathom that case not being the same for all of us. Maybe some of us give up too easily or too quickly?

     Who really knows how we get a purpose; maybe it gets assigned from above, maybe we negotiate it in return for the opportunity to be here, or maybe it just evolves. At any rate, a life without purpose is surely an empty one. Finding your purpose is rarely quick and easy. Heck it took me over half a century, exorbitant tuition expenses, constant geographical changes, several careers and a lot of failures through trial and error. This is probably because it was so close that I couldn't see it, part of my skin if you will. Your purpose could be any one of these seven right things, all of them together, or something altogether different.

     Purpose usually has a lot to do with what your natural talents allow you to do well, what you are best at doing, things that give you the most fun, enjoyment and satisfaction or challenge you and bring out your best in extreme adversity.  Giving up on finding and carrying out your purpose will never have a happy ending so keep looking if you haven't found it; if you have found it, commit yourself more and more each moment to live it fully.

LOVING AND BEING LOVED

     Who doesn't want to love and be loved?  This has always been on the top of my wish list and oddly took the longest to achieve with more half-successes and total-failures than I want to remember. And in the end, we all have to learn the hard lesson on how to do this by becoming more lovable ourselves and learning how to love another person unconditionally, which is probably the hardest challenge for us all. We can do it with our kids, only to let us know it can be done.

     Loving and being loved is all about growing more tolerance and open-mindedness and growing out of impatience, making judgments, having set expectations and trying to change other people. However, knowing what to do is not that hard, but doing it is. I know personally that doing all these seven right things does lead to the best possible feeling I have ever experienced, but I don't always do them. Shame on me!

MAKING A SERIOUS WRONG RIGHT

     One of the biggest mistakes I have made is to not get committed to fighting fervently for a just cause. Unfortunately I always seem to see the validity of both sides of important issues, each having a side worth fighting for. But maybe it really doesn't matter which side is really the most right, because the side you choose to be on needs you. Don't you think there are people whose rights have been violated and they are in need of an attorney who is an advocate for people's rights? Don't you think some environments and animals need their welfare protected from irresponsible people? Don't you think that people need both justice and mercy, and both freedom and equality?

     A friend of mine has lived a life of being an activist in the area of animal rights. Unfortunately I am in a security business that protects other businesses that use animals for research and I have a lot invested in my position. Plus I think her views on some of these situations are really a crock and not that well thought-out. (Of course she would beg to differ!) Can some animals have unlimited rights or is responsible freedom a concept that applies to all the residents of this planet?  But all this being said, it is my friend's passion for her cause that I admire and maybe that is what is most important.  Who am I to say she is wrong?

BECOMING THE BEST WE CAN BE

     Some even say this may be the ultimate purpose of life—to learn, grow and improve in self-actualizing your potential, which is just a fancy way of saying to be the best you can be in the six main areas of living—becoming your ideal self physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, vocationally and spiritually. This is certainly a lifelong journey and a process that can yield some mighty rewards. Maybe this is the mission behind your purpose?

     A key to being successful in this process is to not focus on results, but rather on the changes you may need to make which will enable you to get results. For one thing, it may be more beneficial to shift focus away from improving your weaknesses towards developing your strengths further. And instead of trying to see the biggest possible picture of the future, it might be better to focus on the here and now and concentrate on using your knowledge and skills to improve a situation that you are part of right now, whether it is listening, talking, being a parent or teacher, solving a problem, finishing a college degree, eating, exercising or filling out a job application.

HAVING SOME BEST FRIENDS

     All the people I know that have an abundance of the good stuff have a few best friends. Friends build us up, help keep us on an even keel, give us ideas we need to consider, support our causes, give us companionship and help us connect with others. Tom Rath's new book "Vital Friends" will give you all the other good reasons you need to do this right thing. Apparently having best friends at work helps your performance.

     Personally, I don't know if I'd still be alive and well if it weren't for my best friends. There is an acceptance and trust level with best friends that allows us to tell the things that need to be told and not worry about being judged by some adverse reaction. And there are no egos or intimately emotional connections here to get in the way of the truth that sometimes hurts but always helps. Sometimes one person has to make more of an effort to nurture these types of friendships, but there is no sense in keeping score because you always get back tenfold what you put into a good friendship.

GETTING OUR FAMILIES FIXED

     I see families that are close in their relationships as a great source of joy, while broken ones as a major source of sadness. Not all family problems can be fixed by just wanting to and making the effort. Some problems are really more predicaments which need to be tolerated rather than cured. And even some problems aren't fixable at least on a permanent basis. Some "problems" are just opposite situations where the pendulum just needs to swing in a different direction. Time and distance are sometimes great healers.

     Close to importance with our families are old friends. I have noticed that I have more of an interest in renewing old friendships lately. I haven't been to many high school reunions, but the 25^th class reunion I did attend wasn't nearly long enough to catch up all those lost years and the e-mails following, just encouraged more contact. One good thing I did was to clarify my own shortcomings and real reasons for past serious failed relationships, in order to clear the air correctly. I strongly support the value of doing this. Forgiveness and understanding are important interpersonal tools.

LEAVING OUR KIDS A LEGACY

     As we learn along the way, getting the good stuff is a result of doing the right stuff. In our final area, the right stuff is to build and leave our children a meaningful legacy that summarizes the most important and useful things we have learned. It can be wealth, a base of solid religious spirituality, a summer vacation cottage, or a book dedicated to them. Or it could be a powerful poem or compelling picture, a vivid memory of pure love, a fabulously creative idea, just the persistent and consistent reassurance of believing in them or anything else that communicates the right stuff and makes a difference. Maybe the legacy should find a way to tie all these seven right things together in one love package.

     Practice any of these seven right things and double your supply of good things; practice them all and trade in a life of partial surviving to one of total thriving.