Overview Of My Past

1. I started life as a cry baby.  The doctor had no explanation for it, so my mom ignored it.  My grandmother lived with us, so I clung to her like a leech to a blood vessel.
2. I was an overachiever in school.  Hid ten-year bedwetting problem and dealt with teasing on a regular basis.
3. Spent first thirty years of my life in two strict Christian religious sects.  I now belong to a non-denominational church.
4. Depression was a lifelong issue.  Anxiety kicked in during teen years.
5. First panic attack I remember was at age 21 when I was a cashier at Wal-Mart.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I never died, so I shrugged it off.
6. Full-blown symptoms kicked in during five years in customer service.  Symptoms included fainting, fatigue, dizziness, migraines, sensation of falling through the bed when I tried to go to sleep, appetite either too high or too low, excessive crying, acid reflux, numbness and tingling in extremities, suppressed immune system so I caught everything (flu, pneumonia, bronchitis, etc.), loss of hair, jittery, insomnia at night and sleepiness during the day, irritability, and fear of sudden noises.  I'm sure I left out something.
7. Several trips to ER and no one ever found anything wrong with me.  Also had stressful situation with roommate and family members.
8. Saw family doctor for first time about problems in 1998.  Was diagnosed with hypomania with associated anxiety.  Medications worked well for several months until stress level went up.
9. Passed out at church one Sunday night in 1999, so doctor upgraded diagnosis to anxiety disorder and depression.  Was given stronger medications.
10. About one month later, a stressful event at work led to a severe panic attack the following day.  Saw my obituary flash before my eyes as I lay on the floor at work with a burning chest, a completely numb left arm and difficulty breathing.  An ambulance takes me to the ER, and my vital signs were fine.  Was referred to behavioral therapist, saw regular doctor weekly and could not work for almost a month.  Dealt with hot flashes at this time also.  Learned about deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.
11. Behavioral therapist referred me to another doctor because current doctor had me on an anti-psychotic when I wasn't psychotic.  Had MRI and no problems found.  Returned to work and placed in position that did not involve answering the telephone.  I was feeling better, the fainting spells decreased and the hot flashes were gone.  The house where I was renting a room had caught on fire, so I moved back in with my mom.  Hoped we could get along better the second time around.
12. The bottom fell out in 2001.  After moving out again due to conflict, I started having more panic attacks, especially at night.  After 9/11 and watching it all on TV for two weeks straight, I had nightmares.  Because of medical bills, I had to file Chapter 7 and earn extra money by selling makeup and scrubbing toilets for extra money.  My older sister lost her car and my mother's car tag expired, so I was taking them both to and from work and picking up/babysitting my sister's kids.  I was sharing my car with them, so I did not always have the car and had to squeeze in doctor's appointments, etc.
13. In January 2002, I went to bankruptcy court, and I quit the janitorial job.  That same month, the stress level in my department shot up, I was having trouble coping with being put back on the phone when I was told I wouldn't have to be on it.  My company stock became worthless after the tech bubble burst, and people were being laid off.  One afternoon, I got an angry email from a coworker because of a mistake I made, and I left the building and stood in oncoming traffic in an attempt to end my life.  A car never came near me, so I felt like I failed that too.
14. A day after the suicide attempt, I called my therapist to tell him what happened.  He told me to go to the ER and get one-on-one counseling because he was booked.  I did what he said, and the man asked me if I wanted to stay there and get some rest.  I was tired, so I agreed.  I didn't know he meant the psychiatric ward.  Spent three days in acute psychiatry, then they moved me to intermediate psychiatry (PHEW) where I spent seven more days.  Intermediate psychiatry was a lot better because I got to go to the cafeteria, I went to counseling sessions, and I painted a rug (smile).
15. After being on medical leave for a few months, I quit my customer service job before my fifth anniversary.  I volunteered at a law firm for a month (the attorney was in the red), and then I worked for a small business who did computer repair and graphic design.  I liked working there, but they couldn't afford to pay me much.  I moved to another apartment complex since my place got burglarized twice.  Even though the place was a studio, I never had any problems.
16. I applied for disability and got turned down.  I needed more money, so I gave up the job I liked to do temp work for a government agency.  Most of the people were nice, and I liked what I did except for answering the phone when the receptionist was not available.  At least it wasn't all day, right?  I temped for at least a year, but I had no benefits.  I went to a county clinic for basic health needs, and I went to a mental health clinic that had a sliding fee scale and gave out prescription samples.  In 2003, when a position became available at the agency, I applied and was hired, but it wasn't where I was before.
17. I HATED my new position after being there a couple of weeks, but I decided to stick it out since I finally had health insurance again.  Plus, I was glad that I could take time off and still get paid – at least until I used up all my paid time off going to doctor's appointments and getting sick often.  The job itself had unattainable goals, so I was constantly in fear of being fired.  I had the opportunity to prove myself in another capacity, so they had me doing that instead, and I felt better for a while.  Unfortunately, I did not get along with the supervisor, and I was constantly going to the manager for help, so that made things worse.  I even had a panic attack at work during that time.  I was finally getting somewhere with that problem when I started having problems with one of my coworkers.  She got upset about something that management would not let he do, and when I sent her an email to try to make her feel better, she directed all her anger towards me.  She wouldn't even let me say "Good morning" to her.
18. I decided to not say anything to her since that's what she wanted, but I felt guilty about not saying hello because her desk was right next to mine, she was old enough to be my mother and I did not want to be disrespectful to her even if she was mean to me.  I asked a minister at my church what I should do, and she told me to speak to her anyway because God would hold me accountable for not doing so.  That added fuel to the fire, and we both made separate requests to management to be moved to other desks.  We all met in the manager's office to discuss the issue, and as son as I tried to make amends with the coworker, she cut me off.  Management said they would move us, but that never occurred even though I kept following up with them about it.
19. One day, we had a loud argument, and I went to the manager begging for help.  We agreed to let me move my computer and paperwork to the conference room so that I could get some work done.  While I was setting up my equipment, I felt a panic attack coming on.  I went to my supervisor's office, and shortly after I walked in there, I collapsed on the floor.  They called an ambulance and my mother since she was my emergency contact, and we decided to wait until my mother got there.  I still don't remember why we did that unless I was just freaked out and wasn't thinking straight.  Anyway, my mother got there and asked me what was wrong.  I had already been telling her what was going on, and all I could get out was, "That lady…"  Well, my mother has a short fuse, so she went ballistic and said out loud that there will be a lawsuit.  After I got home from the hospital, I found out via telephone from one of the top administrators that I was terminated.  I was still on my 1-year (!!!) probation, but the other lady had been there for years, so they did nothing to her.
20. Even though I felt like dirt, I asked to be taken back to the office to get my things the same day because I just wanted to get it over with and not have to see them again.  My mother, older sister and I went up there, collected my things (except for a plant one of the managers gave me – they could keep it), and was escorted out of the door like a common criminal.  I moved back in my mom again, got a letter from the doctor so I could break my lease, and got unemployment for the rest of the year.  In 2004, I got another government temp job, but only lasted about a month because I went into a deep depression.  I quit the job and applied for disability again.  This time I got it, and since I have a work history, I was switched from SSI to SSDI.  I got more money but I lost my Medicaid coverage, so I had to fight to get that back.  Medicare kicked in this year, so I have more health benefits now. 

I hope I can get additional medical coverage to fill in the gaps because I want to make sure I fix whatever's broken before I seek employment again.  My ultimate aspiration is to be a full-fledge entrepreneur and not have to work for anyone but myself.  I've always liked art and technology, so I am using both to jumpstart an online graphic design business.  If I start earning enough money, I could do more in fine arts and interior design.  I also like carpentry, so who knows?  The sky's the limit at this point since I'm not punching a clock right now.

I'm still getting therapy and taking medication, so I still have a way to go in my recovery.  My mom and I get along fine most of the time, but there are times we want to strangle each other.  Based on what I've recently read and heard, mother/daughter relationships can be intense, so at least I know I'm not the only one.  My dad stepped in once to help when I got really overwhelmed and helped us talk things over, so my mom and I had a long talk about our likes and dislikes.  We wrote them down first, discussed them, and gave each other a big hug.  We've bickered off and on, but overall, we are keeping ourselves in check to avoid big flare-ups.

I am also struggling with some other physical ailments that I don't have a diagnosis for yet.  In the past year, I have been checked for lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, colon polyps, kidney problems and gout, and the tests came back negative.  I know anxiety and depression can cause physical pain, but the pain I have been feeling is beyond what I am used to.  This month, I am following up with the doctor who checked my knee, and I am going to get tested for food allergies and chemical sensitivity.  I've done research on my symptoms in books and online, and the symptoms are similar to fibromyalgia.  From what I've read by other fibro sufferers, I know it takes a long time to get that diagnosis for many people, especially women, so I don't know how well I will be able to get the specialists to listen to me, but I will certainly try.

Overall, after all the junk I went through in my life, I decided to throw in the towel by attempting suicide.  However, God threw it back when He wouldn't let a car come within six feet of me.  Not only did He throw the towel back, but He glued it to my hand.  I can't shake it off no matter how hard I try.  I thought about killing myself again, but God wouldn't let it get past my thoughts.  I thought about self-mutilation, but I took it out on a wall instead of myself.  I think about running off into the woods and living like a hermit, but I think about how much I would miss my loved ones and I don't.  I went through not wanting to leave home or drive at night, but now I'm doing both again.  God won't let me quit.  Maybe there's something He wants me to accomplish first, even if it's just typing this story for all to see.  All I know is that I am thankful to have a Friend who will stick by me no matter how many stupid stunts I pull.

I'm glad I never experimented with drugs or anything like that because Lord knows what would have happened to me, but just because I didn't smoke a cigarette doesn't mean I'm better than anyone else.  The way I see is, that lie I told or that extra helping of cake I didn't need doesn't make me exempt from being fallible.  I'm human, and as long as I am human, I have to fight with temptations just like anyone else until I leave this planet.  Of course, I can't leave until God says I can go because He won't let me go.  He won't stop the world so I can get off, so I am seeking Him to find out what I should do to help this world while I am still on it.

Thank you for your attention.