Losses

I've lost alot this past year....

My friend and neighbor, Laurie Jorges, past away this morning. She never came out of the coma she slipped into last week.  She was only in her very early 50's, but was always laughing and joking when one saw her, so if you had to guess at her age, it would've been impossible. I've known her since I was about 10/11 years old. Her kids were my taste of having little sisters...they stayed weekends with us while I was growing up, and both my mom and I use to babysit them on a regular basis. Laurie, Roger, Kate, and Tracey would come over for dinner and games; we exchanged gifts; they were like extended family. I had wanted Katie in my wedding, but it didn't work out and I've regretted that ever since. She was such a cool kid. And so was Tracey. I can't remember if Laurie and Roger were more like older brother/sister to me, or aunt and uncle ...but they were family.

<sigh>

I've lost many friends this year. The real ones stayed, tho', so that's ok. Better to know who the real ones are.  I lost my other boyfriend, who couldn't handle being third AFTER my kids & Brian. Too bad, they are great kids. And I miss him.

I've come close to losing Brian too many times to count, but it's one of the reasons I keep putting off marriage: there's too much to learn about each other that I'd rather learn now than later. That's very important to me, mainly because of my kids.  I can at least say, that even if we don't make it, at least we can stay friends....

I've lost respect for many people.

I also lost the need to live with my family. I've lost the need to be a barrier. I've lost alot of my strength(mental, emotional, and physical), but I haven't lost the need to show that there's still some left. I won't let go of my need to stand strong and firm. I still follow my heart(my head's often too confused, I swear). My dreams and plans for the fututre? Well, with the recent loss of strength, one dream is gone...my schooling was for  nothing--except my own well-being. I cannot stand long enough anymore to think about giving a massage(without pain), let alone give one.  My other dreams still linger, so I'm not so old(no matter what my body's been telling me recently).

I've also gained some new friends, and very recently. I think that blogging at Gather has gained me people I can relate to on subjects closer to my heart. I've earned more respect from my peers there with my writing, than from anywhere else. And I've started over with the poetry, although there are some from just a couple of years ago I wish I could find, because I feel they are worth sharing, too. I may keep more to myself in person, but not so much online.

So--.

That's about it. There's more, but that's for another time, maybe.