Kerry Reacts Angrily to Dry Cleaner, Refuses to Apologize

BOSTON, Massachusetts. Democratic Party leaders descended on Boston's exclusive Louisburg Square neighborhood today as they seek to put out the fire started by comments Senator John Kerry made to his dry cleaner yesterday.

Louisburg Square:  No, you can't park there.

"I apologize to no one," Kerry said, reinforcing his image as aloof and out of touch. "The guy said he couldn't get a ketchup spot out of my favorite Hermes tie, and I said that's what happens if you're not smart and don't study--you end up behind the counter having to deal with effete snobs like me."

"See that goober there?  That's ketchup."

Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.), who spent five years as prisoner of war during the Vietnam era, said whatever Kerry's intent, he should apologize to America's dry cleaners, most of which are operated by families, often immigrants. "Senator Kerry's remarks are regrettable, even if they tore a button off a shirt or something," he said. "I got frustrated when the Viet Cong gave me the same outfit every year, but I learned to bite my tongue."

McCain:  "Kerry's a clothes horse."

But Kerry didn't back down. "This is a page straight from the playbook of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party. Always taking my words and quoting them verbatim back to me, when they have their wives pick up their dry cleaning for them."

Democrats fear that Kerry's remarks may impair their chance to regain one or both houses of Congress in this year's mid-term elections. Charles Roberts, a pollster who is following key races for the Democrats, said initial reaction to the remarks by the junior senator from Massachusetts was negative. "Nobody likes to get in line behind a jerk, even if his complaint is legit," Roberts said. "You can just see it now--a bunch of swing voters rolling their eyes, saying 'Just get over it, wouldya?'"

Kerry is known for his expensive taste in clothes, which are paid for by his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, heiress to the Heinz ketchup fortune. "This never would have happened," said Roberts, "if Teresa didn't insist that they have ketchup at every meal."

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman