Making Good Relationships Great

MAKING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS GREAT

By Bill Cottringer

     If you are already in a good relationship there is good news and bad news. The good news is that you are in an elate group compared to the majority of people. Congratulations! The bad news is that you can't even keep it let alone make it better, without a lot of attention and effort. Fortunately there are many clues to help a good relationship become a thriving, great one. But it won't happen by chance. Here are a few suggestions to consider.

1.     First of all, be absolutely certain you are in a good relationship—one that started out right with the right person for the right reasons. It is easier than you may want to realize to fool yourself into believing this is so, when it may not be. If serious attraction, love, compatibility, trust and commitment aren't obvious it probably isn't a good relationship. If there is any ounce of doubt, admitting the relationship may not be as good as you want is an honest start at improving things.

2.    Always remember the purpose of the relationship—to help you grow into the best person you can be and to get more out of life together than you can each get alone.

3.    Never stop communicating unconditional love and acceptance for your partner, verbally, with cards and presents or speaking the five languages of love (if you don't know what these are, find out!). None of us can ever can enough of this stuff. Our love tanks always have room for more.

4.    Attend church together regularly and get involved in church or community charity activities. If you are not presently religiously inclined because you had a previously bad experience at a church, consider giving it a second try as things have changed for the better. If you were never religious, at least commune in nature frequently with each other.

5.    Attend at least one relationship enrichment retreat together and read relationship and personal growth books. Talk about what you are learning.

6.    Find something to laugh at several times a week, maybe before going to sleep to have funny dreams. Humor is the best medicine for all ills.

7.    Keep a scrapbook of good memories to help keep things in proper perspective when adversity and bad times hit,

8.    Find little ways to help each other become your best personally and professionally, gently, freely and supportively, not critically or in a controlling way. Take interest in what the other person is excited about.

9.    Don't let sex get boring. Always experiment and look for ways to be romantic when it is least expected. The fire will go out without stoking.

10. Don't take your appearance, grooming or dressing style for granted; always upgrade your looks and clothes to be stylish and ever-appealing. But don't pressure your mate to do this. Take the lead instead.

11. Have plenty of friends and socialize frequently to avoid becoming too isolated or self or relationship-conscious.

12.  Replace all traces of individual competition with cooperation as a team working on goals together. Look for ways to positively compliment each other's weaknesses.

13. Don't forfeit the initial politeness, no matter how familiar you become with each other.

14. Catch yourself sliding into the bad habit of noticing annoying differences instead of remaining focused on what you like and admire about the person. Find ways to keep the possibility of "familiarity breeds contempt" in check.

15. Never get depressed, angry, annoyed or frustrated together. This is the time for one person to acknowledge that the issue or situation may be more urgent and important to the other person and he or she needs your understanding and support.

16.  Eat, sleep and recreate sensibly. Today's information overload and mega stress can be debilitating without proper diet, rest and relaxation.

17. Have the courage to confront inevitable conflicts as they come, carefully communicating past them to get through to the other side. When you avoid conflicts for premature peace, they will hunt you down with more fury.

18. Accept the reality that harsh, unfair adversity is a test of character React by standing tall and fighting the retreating and quitting temptations with all your might. You will never be sorry for doing the right thing when it might be the toughest time to do so.

19. Never even think about starting nasty name-calling, disrespect or being verbally irresponsible in any way Your questionable intentions never count, only the permanent impact of wrong, hurtful words. Once out, they can never be erased or forgotten.

20.  Retain a small, legitimately "private" life of your own with a separate friend or two with whom you can relate to graciously and easily. This is to prevent suffocation.

21. Forget infidelity of any sort, emotional or physical. It won't ever have a happy ending. If you have a good relationship you have what you want and need; not paying attention to what you have will only make it worse, not better.

22. When either of you sense the relationship is getting stale, bring it up gently without any trace of complaining. The way to do this is to not blame anyone, as both of you are usually at fault one way or the other.

23. Revere traditions like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries as these are often what give you the most fun, enjoyment, meaning, positive feelings and fond memories.

24. Become as optimistic as you can be—explaining the good and bad things in positive terms. Work on thinking you deserve the good things and don't deserve the bad things; that the good things will last and happen again and that the bad ones won't. Optimism is the one thing most common in great relationships.

William Cottringer, Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security in Bellevue, WA. He is author of several books including Passwords to the Prosperity Zone, You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too, and The Bow-Wow Secrets. Bill can be reached for comments and questions at (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer@pssp.net